Q: 

Dear Nest,

I feel like I’m bad at goodbyes, and I worry a lot about missing people, especially with college decisions coming out lately. How can I cope with this?

A:

I completely understand how you feel—this can be a stressful time for everyone, and while it’s nice to see people making big life decisions, it’s also sad to think of the departure that will follow. Unfortunately, the first step to being able to cope is to know that you can’t really change the outcome. Change is inevitable, and coming from someone who has had to learn the hard way, this is something that is going to happen no matter how hard you try to put it off. The best thing to do now, while it’s still somewhat early on, is to make the most of the time you have left with these people! Worrying about the future can only take away from the time you could spend making lasting memories, and doing things you might’ve been too afraid to do when you first got to high school. 

However, at the end of the day, there comes a time when you will have to say goodbye; thus I have accumulated some ideas that have worked for me thus far to make it a bit easier. First, make your next plans. If you’re parting ways with someone who you want to keep in touch with, talk to them about what you’ll do when you next see each other. See when your vacations align, or even if you can’t pick a date yet, at least talk about a set idea that you can follow through with. It could be a fun activity, like going out somewhere, playing mini-golf, bowling, etc. Or, it could just be a designated time to debrief about everything that has happened while you were apart. Whatever it is, as long as you have a plan, it can turn “goodbye” into “see you soon.” I find that always helps.

The other method that helps, mostly for people you’re close with and don’t want to keep waiting, is weekly updates. Once you have a decent sense of your schedules, you could designate a time each week to call them and catch up! That way, you won't be as worried about not having time to see them, because even just 15-30 minutes a week are guaranteed. If calling seems difficult, you could keep a shared note in your phone, and jot down any updates you feel are important—which only takes a few seconds to do as you think of them. You’re not losing time, and you can both read and respond to them whenever you have a moment to sit and look through. With this method, you’re really not missing out on anything—even though there is no way to physically be there all the time, the shared note can hold all of the memories you wish you could’ve experienced with that person. 

Finally, this is a bit more of a cheesy way to say goodbye, but it’s one that I’ve always loved, and continue to use. The last time you are going to see this person, set aside some time to handwrite notes to each other—and neither of you can read them until you part ways. This is a nice practice for many reasons: for one, it helps make a goodbye feel less awkward. It’s also sentimental, and it’s something tangible from the other person that you can keep and even hang up. Whatever you choose to do to make your goodbyes less difficult, remember that people come and go, but it’s important to always appreciate what they bring to your life even after they’ve left. Good luck!

Q: 

Dear Nest,

How can I learn to love myself more?

A:

I’m happy to help with this question, because like many others, I’ve dealt with some pretty low self-esteem in my own life. In the past few years, I’ve worked hard to become more loving toward myself, and I hope that I can use what I’ve learned to help you do the same.

My first piece of advice that I live by, no matter where you are on the confidence spectrum, is to make a list of things you love about yourself. It might sound strange, and if you aren’t used to giving yourself compliments, it might even sound hard to do—trust me, I understand. I started a list almost a year ago. At first, it started with only a few items, and it felt uncomfortable to write out a list of things purely about me. I think what most people struggle with, and what I felt when I started, is that we worry that complimenting ourselves makes us self-centered. If you haven’t already been told, this is not the case—being kind to yourself does not make you “narcissistic,” and is something that everyone should make an effort to do. The more you learn about yourself, and the more you love about yourself, the easier it will be to accept genuine love from others—you’ll be more aware when you’re being appreciated, or if you aren’t. The list that I started earlier has grown to over 200 items now. Some items may be repeated, some are weirdly specific, but it’s something that is so useful in building self confidence because looking back on this list will remind you of even the little things worth loving about yourself. You should add to it whenever you think of something, even if it feels trivial. One of the ideas on my list is that I prefer to write in pen, and another is that I cry every time I watch Interstellar. If those seem like small and unusual things to put on a list of good traits, that’s because they are. But the more detailed you get, the more you realize how much there is to appreciate—not just in yourself, but in others.

You may have heard of the concept of love languages before, but what people often don’t realize is the importance of receiving love in ways that speak to you. This applies to yourself too! The list-making idea may be helpful in gaining confidence, but that may not be what you specifically are missing. For those who don’t know, love languages are the ways in which people receive and express love. There are five widely known types created by Dr. Gary Chapman. List-making covers words of affirmation, but there are also acts of service, receiving gifts, quality time, and physical touch. If you are someone who enjoys quality time, maybe you’re not giving yourself enough time to spend doing things you love. If you need physical touch—and this may sound odd—try giving yourself a hug, or holding your own hand. Sometimes the love we think we want to receive from others, we really need from ourselves. It can even be less obvious, like with acts of service—maybe you need to work on doing things for yourself that we often put off, like cleaning your room or making yourself breakfast.

There are plenty of other small things you can do to start loving yourself more. I think the last important one I’ll mention is to be more understanding of yourself. Building confidence takes time, and we all experience setbacks every now and then. Most of us have grown up with social media and have been taught to have negative mindsets because of this. If you do catch yourself thinking negatively, take a second to ask yourself where it came from. Was that really the appropriate response to what happened? Don’t direct your anger from external forces onto yourself. Or, did the negative thought about yourself come from someone else? Loving yourself is all about what makes you feel most confident—if this is the case, try to identify when other people’s unkind words or self-deprecating ideas don’t align with your true feelings about yourself. Know what you deserve, and give yourself that—especially don’t settle for less from others. 

Finally, remember that you are not trapped in the person you are now. If there are parts of yourself that you feel are bringing yourself or others down, you can always act like the version of yourself you want to become, without changing the center of who you are. That just means that you first have to figure out who it is that you are, which comes with time and practice (and for some people, a really good list). Once you are more familiar with who you are at your core, and how much there is to love about yourself, you might find that there actually isn’t much you want to change—just parts that have gone underappreciated. Be patient with yourself, and good luck!