Merry Crittermess To All

'Twas a week before Crittermess, and...All of Precinct One turned up for the annual office party thrown by none other than Mr. Festive himself, Clawhauser. Out of all the excuses their chipper cheetah used for throwing a big, over-the-top shindig, Nick liked this one the best. This time of year, he could get away with more sarcastic jokes and jibes, because everyone else was all about goodwill and whatnot and wouldn't chew him out over it. He could be like that, too—when he so chose—but consider it a character flaw that Nick Wilde preferred to think of himself as naughty rather than nice.

Another perk...if he needed a time-out from the merrymaking, he could hide behind one of the many evergreen trees positioned around the room. In all the commotion, no one would look twice, and he'd blend right in, thanks to his favorite green top. He could use such a break right about now.

Clawhauser appointed himself DJ (again, alias Santa Claws this time), and was playing “Jingle Bell Rock” on a loop, or so it seemed. Apparently it was his “all-time favorite song of the season—EVER” and he wanted to share the joy. 'Tis the season.

Carrots was last seen chatting it up with Francine over their holiday shopping escapades. Nick would rather stuff his tail in an electric socket. Anything was better than being stranded between two women talking about shopping, so he wasn't about to stick around.

He would be perfectly content to stand there all night, except for the fact that he was starving. Naturally, there was never a shortage of food at a Clawhauser bash. The thing about that is, getting to it comes at a price—risk getting pulled into more dull conversations, or worse...onto the dance floor. Plus, Claw always stocked junk food. For Nick, no problem there on most days, but today he would give his right paw for anything blueberry. Sure—none were as good as the ones from Carrots' farm, but, hey, he was a growing fox.

Speaking of, what was he talking about?! He should be able to stealth his way over to that table, no problem. But, he was feeling lazy from lack of food. (Some would say, 'and what's the difference?' Nick would answer, 'Eh, minor details'.)

He scanned the room as he weighed these options. He found no inspiration whatsoever. But, then, suddenly...He caught a faint whiff of blueberry in the air.

The crowd closest to him parted, and he saw a small mammal carrying a tiered stack of trays. Whoever it was, they were big enough to brave carrying the precarious arrangement through a boisterous crowd, but small enough that their identity was obscured by said trays.

Nick's eyes locked on the spectacle. It was headed right for him. Instinctively, he reached out—to help, he told himself, but really because his nose was telling him that this was where the delectable smell was coming from.

“Let me get these for you.” The tray holder sighed a quiet 'thanks'. As he lifted the trays, Nick found a rabbit with soft brown eyes. She wore an apron and a look of exhaustion. “Are these for the party?” he asked hopefully, wondering if this change in his luck was too good to be true. The rabbit could only nod. “The table's this way, so I'll just...” A few steps from his tree, Nick found a stray chair; with all the agility of his species, he hooked his leg around its leg, swiveling it closer to his tree...and the waiting mystery rabbit. “Have a seat. Be right back.”

In no time, Nick had set the treats down amongst the buffet, popped one in his mouth, and grabbed a few for the road. Or, more accurately, the walk back to his spot, where he'd left Ms. mystery bunny. Between nibbles, he noted that the confections were decorated with designs drawn in brightly colored icing. By now, he was sufficiently cheered up and very impressed with the snack, so he took his sweet time (pun intended) getting back to his guest.

On the way, something caught his attention. In the middle of the ZPD's many predator cops laughing and having fun, the horse with a troubled expression stood out like a sore claw. Nick was perplexed for only a second before his super detective skills (if he did say so himself...and he did, often) kicked in. After all, if he'd learned anything from these crazy Clawhauser party without picking up a few things, most recently that tasty, eye-catching blueberry somethings + bunny with apron + worried horse=Herb and Sam.

Herb once stepped in as police chief when Bogo was down for the count—by Nick's own clumsy paw, that is. Nick felt really bad about that...mostly. On the other paw, Bogo had deserved it for being such a stickler, and if that whole thing hadn't happened, he and Carrots wouldn't have met Herb.

If Carrots was the most upstanding rabbit in Zootopia—which Nick figured she must be, and often teased her to that effect—then Herb was her equine counterpart. They were friends, and now that Nick had put two and two together, he could see that these guys could use a helping paw.

The quick red fox jumped into action. Racing through the crowd, he didn't stop until he'd reached Herb. To be heard over the din, he gave a loud whistle. “Hey, Chief—down here.”

The bespectacled horse turned to Nick, relief flooding his warm brown eyes. “Nick! Thanks for coming over. Have you seen…?” Nick nodded, grinning, even before his friend had finished the thought. “Thank goodness. She insisted on carrying those trays herself.” Nick led the way through the crowd, holding his own against his larger coworkers, and reemerged next to his tree, where they were greeted by a smiling Sam.

“There you are!” she said, and her mood seemed to lighten immediately. Did Nick call that one, or what?! Herb took in Nick's self-satisfied expression and said, “I take it you've met?”

“Not formally, no.” Nick took Sam's paw in his and made a show of bowing. “Nick Wilde, ZPD. Enchanté .” He lifted said paw to his lips and kissed it. He was going for 'gentlefox'--he hoped Herb would approve of his manners—but didn't mind that they both laughed a little instead. After what had happened, they could use some comic relief. Just as long as Herb didn't get the wrong idea…

“Nicholas Piberius Wilde. I leave you alone for, what, thirty minutes, tops, and you're already flirting with somebunny else.” Judy Hopps said the next-to-last word like it was some kind of plague. Nick sighed. Leave it to Carrots to storm in on a friendly exchange and hop to conclusions. But before she could turn tail and stomp away, Herb spoke.

“Well, my friend, it's nice to see that someone else is keeping an equally close eye on them.” Judy looked up, and, seeing that it was in fact him, blushed profusely. Whether it was embarrassment or—something else—Nick couldn't say, but he'd bet an entire bushel of Hopps blueberries that it was a bit of both. Thankfully, it was loud enough in here that nobody would notice the stir she'd caused.

She smiled weakly. “Herb! It's...um...great to see you, and that must mean you are...” she turned to Sam.

“Sam Lapin. I've heard so many amazing things about you, Judy. I followed your work on the missing mammals case, and then, as luck would have it, Herb filled in the rest when he took the position at the station.” So saying, Sam gave her a welcoming hug, which she happily returned, as bunnies do.

Under normal circumstances, Judy would have been delighted to note that Sam was just as sweet and soft-spoken as her husband, but at the moment, it only made her feel that much worse about her own behavior. “Th-thank you,” she said, wishing she could retreat behind one of the Crittermess trees like she'd spotted Nick doing earlier. Pausing to consider her options, she thought it best to put the mistake behind her. “Forgive me, I...”

“Absolutely,” said Sam. “Prey have just as much right as predators to defend what's theirs.” Judy nodded, though she seemed flustered at the mention of Nick as hers. “Thanks again. And speaking of, I am such a fan…!” Sam waved it off with a laugh.

“Only celebrities have fans, Judy! I'm not one of them.”

“Well, you could be, judging by how delicious those blueberry thingamajigs are,” Nick chimed in.

“Hear, hear!” Herb exclaimed, and the four friends laughed.

Now that the mystery was solved, and Carrots had stopped being ridiculous, Nick could afford to ask the question that'd been on his mind for half the night. “What exactly are said blueberry thingamajigs?”

“Blueberry snowflakes,” Sam told him. “Part cookie, part cake.” Nick had wondered about the pleasant texture that he couldn't quite put his claw on. He was debating excusing himself to go in search of more scrumptious snowflakes when Judy punched his arm.

“I thought you said that Hopps blueberries had spoiled you for the rest of blueberrykind!”

“I did, Carrots—I assure you. And it was the truth. But you know what they say--”

“What?”

“A fox has to have his blueberries, no matter the cost.” Judy scoffed and rolled her eyes at Nick, then looked from one friend to the other as if it say, 'can you believe this guy?!'

“I don't, in fact, believe I've ever heard anyone say any such thing, Nicholas.” Up until that point, Herb had been content to let his wife have the spotlight, but, he'd decided that Nick deserved some good-natured teasing of his own. With this, he now had three pairs of eyes on him. Nick's were looking nervous because Herb had used his most authoritative tone, the one that his friends had determined was best described as 'teacherly'.

Nick dropped his head into his paws. “No fair, Chief!” Judy laughed.

“You just out-Wilde'd a Wilde, Herb! Way to go!” Just as Nick was about to change the subject, Clawhauser called,

“Hey, everybody, it's singalong time!” Nick groaned.

“Great—more embarrassment.” He was only half-joking; singing was not his thing. As usual, Carrots was totally gung-ho as she grinned and grabbed his arm.

“C'mon, Nick! Don't be such a Scrooge McDuck!”

Everyone gathered around Clawhauser, who clapped his paws in excitement. “Oooh, I've been looking forward to this all night! How about we start with 'Jingle Bells'? Everybody ready?” A cheer arose from the crowd...all except Nick, who stood sulkily beside Judy, arms crossed. She wasn't about to ruin anyone's fun with her froward fox, so she had to think fast...which, luckily, was her specialty. She feigned a weary sigh.

“O-kay, Nick—if you don't want to join us, I'll go stand next to Herb.” She took about three steps in that direction before she felt Nick grab her arm; even big city foxes can't resist defending their territory.

Nick hoped beyond hope that Carrots' little stunt hadn't caused a scene. He glanced around the crowd and, when he caught Clawhauser's eye, he knew he was doomed. “Nick, that's sooo sweeeet! You guys really are adorable together! I mean, seriously! I love it!” Nick was sure he'd never hear the end of Clawhauser's gushfest when Herb chimed in.

“Ben, you were saying…?” The look on Clawhauser's face suggested he'd just gotten a teacherly stare along with that tone. Nick glanced at Herb and mouthed, 'thank you'; Herb only smiled.

“So...” Clawhauser began again. “ 'Jingle Bells'.” He waved his paws in the air. “A-one, two, three...”

Dashing through the snow

On my trusty Beetle sled

O'er the fields we go

Laughing all the way

Bells a-hanging ring

Making spirits bright

What fun it is to laugh and sing

A sledding song tonight

Oh, jingle bells, jingle bells

Jingle all the way

Oh, what fun it is to ride

On my trusty Beetle sled

Jingle bells, jingle bells

Jingle all the way

Oh, what fun it is to ride

On my trusty Beetle sled

A day or two ago

I thought I'd take a ride

And soon Miss Fanny Bright

Was seated by my side

Our course was clear and smooth...

But suddenly was not

We got into a drifted bank

And then we got upsot

Dashing through the snow

On my trusty Beetle sled

O'er the fields we go

Laughing all the way

Bells a-hanging ring

Making spirits bright

What fun it is to laugh and sing

A sledding song tonight

Oh, jingle bells, jingle bells

Jingle all the way

Oh, what fun it is to ride

On my trusty Beetle sled

Jingle bells, jingle bells

Jingle all the way

Oh, what fun it is to ride

On my trusty Beetle sled

No sooner had they finished the song than Nick was plotting his escape. But Clawhauser had other ideas. “Super job, everyone! Let's see...who's up for “Deck The Halls?” More cheers. “Here we go…!” Judy was watching him. Carrots: 2, Nick: 0.

Deck the halls with boughs of holly,

Fa la la la la, la la la la.

Tis the season to be jolly,

Fa la la la la, la la la la.

Don we now our gay apparel,

Fa la la, la la la, la la la.

Troll the ancient Yule tide carol,

Fa la la la la, la la la la.

See the blazing Yule before us,

Fa la la la la, la la la la.

Strike the harp and join the chorus.

Fa la la la la, la la la la.

Follow me in merry measure,

Fa la la la la, la la la la.

While I tell of Yule tide treasure,

Fa la la la la, la la la la.

Fast away the old year passes,

Fa la la la la, la la la la.

Hail the new, ye lads and lasses,

Fa la la la la, la la la la.

Sing we joyous, all together,

Fa la la la la, la la la la.

Heedless of the wind and weather,

Fa la la la la, la la la la.

There. Two down. How many more could Clawhauser possibly… “Okay, guys, big finish; 'We Wish You A Merry Crittermess'. Hit it!”

We wish you a Merry Crittermess,

And a Happy New Year!

Please bring us some figgy pudding,

And a cup of good cheer.!

We won't go until we get some,

So bring it out here!

Good tidings we bring, to you and your kin

Good tidings for Crittermess, and a Happy New Year!

The room erupted in applause, and it was a few minutes before Clawhauser could be heard over the noise. “Hey, everyone—that was awesome! I hope you enjoyed it...” He seemed hesitant to say any more, and then… “especially because Chief Bogo opted to cut me off at two parties a year from now on, so no more New Year's blowout.” The crowd groaned. Nick couldn't blame them; Bogo was a real stick-in-the-mud. Still, Nick felt relieved...until he saw the light go out of Judy's eyes.

“Aw, cheese! Now, with our hours, we won't get to see Herb as much anymore.” She had a point, Nick realized; that was a bummer.

“Thank you, my friend.” Herb and Sam had stayed nearby after the crowd dispersed, and both were smiling at Judy as Herb spoke. “That reminds me...I suppose now is as good a time as any to make my announcement...”

Before Nick or Judy could think to ask what that might be, Herb addressed the crowd. “Excuse me, everyone—There's something I'd like to share with all of you. As you know, I thoroughly enjoyed my time as acting chief of the ZPD, and it's been a pleasure to join you at Ben's wonderful parties. To thank you for being so very welcoming to me, I'd like you all to be the first to know that next year, I'll be in the running for mayor of Zootopia.”

Nick and Judy high-pawed. Clawhauser beamed. There were congratulatory shouts all around. Judy's next move was to go in for a group hug; Nick knew what she had planned just by the look in her eyes, and stopped her in her tracks by whispering so that only she could hear. “You bunnies—so emotional. Tell you what: why don't we leave the lovely couple to do some celebrating of their own and sneak out of here so that I can show you a good time, huh?” He wasn't sure she would buy it, but it was all he had.

To his surprise, she did. “You're right, Nick. Let's g—Oh, mistletoe!” Cheese and crackers! He hadn't seen that one coming. She'd spotted a sprig across the room. It was...above the exit. He was all for sharing the love, but he'd rather do it in private. He wasn't some millennial mammal who needed to broadcast his every move to the masses.

She dragged him straight there before he had time to think of a single excuse; he was losing his touch. He closed his eyes and waited, trying not to think about how the entire precinct could be watching. Well, at least Bogo wasn't here. Instead, he heard her voice. “Hey, Nick?” He opened his eyes.

“Yeah, Carrots?”

“Do you think we—you and me, I mean—do you think we'll make it as long as Herb and Sam have?” Wow. That came out of nowhere. She'd caught him off guard, and he was sure it was written all over his face. The best he could do was answer honestly and hope he wouldn't hurt her.

“I didn't know you wanted me for the long haul, Carrots.” It was her turn to look surprised.

“You didn't? Well, it's true.” Nick sighed in relief.

“Same here. I see no reason why we can't stick together just as long as they have.” Visions of tuxes, gowns, and kits danced in his head, to the tune of the hope in her eyes. He wrapped his arms around her and pulled her close, and when they kissed, Nick forgot to care who was watching.

Still dazed from their kiss, not even the chilled air bothered Nick as they left the party paw-in-paw. Once his brain was working again, he cast a challenging glance at Judy. “Okay, Carrots—my turn to ask the tough questions. That legend about the Twelve Days of Christmas—what gives? I mean… '3 French hens, 2 turtle doves, and a partridge in a pear tree'?! What's all that about?!” While Judy would've been thrilled to continue their sub-mistletoe conversation, she couldn't fault Nick for being Nick—the witty and clever (and a tad evasive) fox that she loved. She laughed and said, with a shrug,

“Some kind of black market, maybe? But don't look at me...If anyone should know the answer to that, it's you, Slick.” Nick feigned disappointment, all sad eyes and paw over his heart.

“You wound me, Carrots.” Judy laughed some more.

“Yeah, right. Anyway, maybe it is really just a myth. Don't you think so?”

“I guess. Most birds are way too annoying to be bothered with anyway.” Judy gave him a look, and he wasted no time changing his angle. “But what about the '5 golden rings' part? That's not so bad.”

“Point taken. But who needs five?”

“Alright, I'm gonna stop you right there. I'm not prepared to talk about girl stuff.” Before she could reply, he went on, “Next question—why call it 'Crittermess'? Any theories?”

“Actually, I know this one. But I want to hear yours first.”

“Oh-kay...I'll bet some backwoods mammal saw all his friends gathered around singing, sipping nutnog and all that and said to his mother, 'Look, Ma, it's a whole mess of critters'.” His directness reminded her of the day they met, when he'd pegged her as a farm girl. She could do without the assumptions sometimes, but he was an expert at reading people, she'd give him that. To top it all off…

“Yeah, that's pretty much the story I heard.” Sometimes she hated it when he was right. She glared at him.

“Stop looking at me like that. Think of it this way, Carrots—No matter who we are, or where we come from, that story means we all value the same thing about this time of year.” Just when she thought she knew everything about him…!

“Aww, Nick, what a sweet thing to say!” He was in the mood to keep going, too—as long as she didn't have her carrot pen stashed somewhere to catch him on the record. He didn't see it, so he ventured,

“I'm feeling generous. 'Tis the season, and all that. Plus, I think Herb might be having a good influence on me.” When Judy laughed in surprise, he waved it off. “So, where was I? Oh, that's right...” He leaned in close, whispering in her ear, “I'd give you 5 golden rings, because you'd deserve every one of them.” She turned to face him, and her eyes shone as tears of joy mingled with the city's festive lights. “I love you, Nick.”

“You took the words right out of my mouth, Judy Juneberry. I love you, too.” Now there was something he'd have wanted the carrot pen for.

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