All About Conflict
Reminder: People make mistakes,
what matters more is what you do after.
what matters more is what you do after.
Middle School is about practicing skills ( & that includes learning how to handle tough situations ). Dealing with conflicts and drama isn't fun, but as you learn more about what works and doesn't, you'll feel more confident in knowing what to do.
Have a problem?
Step 1. Figuring out the size of the problem
How long will this bother me?
Are people's feelings (mine or theirs) involved?
Is this something I'm comfortable letting go of?
The smaller ones
won't bother you a day from now
none of the people involved feel strongly about it
the situation feels safe for all people involved
The larger ones
someone is acting in a way that is unsafe for you or someone else
will still bother you a day later
people feel strongly about it; lots of feelings involved from different people
it isn't your problem to solve, but you're worried about it
Step 2. Figuring out what you can do about it
What to do about the smaller ones
find a 'win-win solution' or a solution that you both can happily agree on
take turns, share, or decide by playing a game of chance (like rock, paper scissors)
do something else, ignore it, or walk away
What to do about the larger ones
There isn't always an easy solution for our more complicated problems. Finding a healthy solution often will take a lot of listening and communicating between everyone.
Sometimes you might need help from an adult (like a school counselor or a teacher) to know how to handle it.
Take a Minute (or more)- If you're feeling upset, take a minute to calm yourself. When we are feeling upset, we are less good at explaining what we mean in a way other people will understand.
If it's an emergency, and you need help immediately, get help from an adult as soon as possible.
Communicate how you feel and your boundaries within the situation: speak only about what you know (how you feel, what you hope for, how you want to be treated) using "I" messages.
"Hey, this is upsetting for me; I'm going to go do something else for a while, but can we talk about it after school?"
"Hey, I feel really uncomfortable when you make jokes about ___. I am not okay with them and would like if you could not make those jokes around me."
Telling people you don't like something can be scary, but people can't fix something if you do not tell them something is wrong.
Listen openly (without your opinions in the way): take time to understand the other person's perspectives; just because something is not upsetting for you, does not mean it isn't upsetting for someone else. Understand why this matters to them or what they experienced
Sometimes how people thought a situation happened looks different from different sides. Misunderstandings are one of the BIGGEST causes of drama in middle school.
There isn't always just one person who feels hurt. It's not about someone being right or wrong, it's about understanding each other and finding a way to move forward.
Asking for help: If you are worried for someone's well-being or if your attempts to solve something aren't working, get help! The counseling office is here to help you solve these things and to help you learn how to handle tough situations, so use it!!
How to Apologize (& make it count)
It's really easy to make hurtful mistakes while we are learning to get along or to be respectful to people we don't know or maybe even don't really like.
When we do something wrong or hurt someone accidentally, sometimes our automatic response is to push it away and say "I had to" or "I didn't mean to, so whatever" but at the end of the day if you hurt someone, it's up to you to make it right, even if you weren't trying to hurt them.
To be able to just say, "I messed up" is a really powerful skill.
BUT the problem isn't solved once you've said those magic words- there's a second step to a real apology.
Let's be honest- Saying sorry tells the other person that you feel badly about what happened, but without action or a plan, that's all it does, and that's not really apologizing.
For example: If you make a big mess, and say "I'm sorry," the mess doesn't get cleaned up. To make it right, you often need to clean the mess too.
Acknowledge what happened, and why it hurt them.
Acknowledge what they experienced
Ask them what you can do to make it right and listen
Take the action steps to make it right, or set a plan for how you can do things differently next time.
Back up your apology by showing them you are sorry. If you say "next time I will try to do ____," actually do it.
If more than one person's feelings get hurt, both people will need to apologize and come up with a plan together on how to do things differently next time.
Solving conflicts together helps to make friendships stronger. Pretending things are fine when they are not, pushes friends apart.
If someone says sorry and that they will change, but does not change their behaviors, it feels bad, and can hurt a friendship. Sometimes if a friend is consistently treated badly, they will choose to not continue the friendship, since the other person is not treating them like a friend.
On Apologizing 'Too Much'
Some situations don't need apologies!
If the other person already said they're OKAY with it
OR
Actually, YOU are the one who is feeling upset about it, not them
Often what you're actually trying to say is that you APPRECIATE something they're doing.
So, if you find yourself apologizing 'too much,' try thanking them or saying what you appreciate about them instead.
