Senior Satire roast

In this article, Haddix Blackmon tries their hardest to ignore the depression caused by the seniors leaving. As a (hopefully not final) goodbye to these amazing people, Haddix Blackmon will be making fun of them in the sweetest going away present possible.

Dealing with the loss of the elderly HIGH SCHOOLERS

By Haddix Blackmon

There comes a time in everyone's life when they become too old for certain things. Your joints stop working and you lose track of the new trends the young folks are into. Pretty soon, you start asking what the newest meme is and have to ask the small kids how to use a pretty basic device. Sad as it is to say, our very own seniors have reached this age in which they must leave us. For this reason, it has crossed my mind to give them the best going away gift I can– an article insulting them through various sarcastic comments and hoping to make them laugh.

How do these people manage? So many of these seniors are stressed out of their minds. Others are just outright not caring about anything. Actually, I don't think any of them truly care anymore. They have even gone so far as to classify this as “Senioritis.” One of the seniors I met through theater and Scroll, Evan Tucker, straight up said, “I don’t give a ‘heck’ anymore” in regard to school. Such extreme language, I know. These poor kids need a therapist, a vacation, or both. Some seniors I have met are officers for multiple clubs, perform on stage every other weekend, and are still taking advanced classes. They somehow stay alive off of espresso and energy drinks. Meanwhile, the freshmen are whining about the final project at the end of English, which amounts to a drawing of a book they read. HOW DO YOU LIVE, SENIORS?! I want the energy you seem to possess, but a part of me knows that all of you are just dying inside. But, hey, at least by taking on all of this stress now, they have more opportunities after school– that is, more opportunities to be even more stressed. To be fair, I’m following in these footsteps next year, so now I’m just giving myself bad karma.

Left - Milan Guerin, Right - Sean Glover. I swear this is the first thing that popped up when looking up elderly people. Picture taken by Milan Guerin.

Photo by Pixabay - Real picture of seniors finally going outside after finals.

On the other hand, I have a lot of respect for those who are sticking to the basics. You all dodged a bullet. At least, if you take normal classes, you don’t deal with nerds in your class and can instead focus on that darn crossword puzzle. Maybe you’ll actually have time to do something you like outside of school. Take up golf as a hobby like the boomers you are. I’ve heard golf is fun. Easy on the ankles and knees. Anyway, for those of you taking it easy, I hope you have fun in the future. I’ve been told that overworking yourself is overrated. Plus, I’m positive that any senior not doing anything extra has already been insulted by literal adults for not overloading themselves. Wow, we really need to make sure words that begin with “over” are not what we expect of people. They all need someone to cut them some slack for their decision to not require (much) therapy later in life.

Also, how do any of these people have relationships and jobs? As I have mentioned, some of them are doing absolutely everything they can in school, yet some of them still have jobs and have time to be a part of a power couple. Like, come on! You guys cannot have everything! I mean, there is only so much time in the day and yet you still manage to earn money and have a love life? The seniors without relationships are absolute Kings, Queens and Monarchs. It seems difficult to juggle, but it has always been something that everyone wants. Those without one are generally just tremendous people with actual good standards. That’s not something you see very often, is it? Now, of course, anyone who does have that special one is fine, too. I have a lot of respect for many of you guys and how mature y’all can be. Obviously, when I say mature, I’m ignoring some of the jokes I’ve heard you make. If we take those into account, you need to head back to elementary school.

Photo by pxhere - Seniors when they finally get time alone with the other half of their power couple.

You all are so out of touch with this new generation. I bet that you still listen to the radio, don’t you? Shaving your hair and listening to rock music in order to feel edgy? AJR and NF blasting in your MP3 players. Yes, I know this is not the accurate time period, but it makes it even more embarrassing how you know that is wrong. I am willing to bet that you still go back and watch the Disney channel just to remember “the good times,” but nothing you do will fix it. Life after high school is haunting, isn’t it? All of your school stories shall bore your future kids, nieces and nephews. Isn’t making decisions on your own horrible? Taxes, bills and student debt will forever haunt you. Mwahaha!!! Dang, I should be writing for the horror segment. However, it’s a good thing you guys at least know you’re old. In the wise words of Sean Glover, the vice-president of The Scroll and my fellow satire writer: “We are senior citizens, senior classmen, old people with back pain.” How’s that for supporting evidence, Mrs. Tyrrell?

I have loved my time with you wonderful batch and I am seriously going to miss you guys. The relationships I have with these crazies is one of the best things about starting high school. In fact, having the seniors being kind to me ended up being what made me love this school so much. Many of them have become such great role models for me and the right people for me to look up to– or, for the many of them who are incredibly short, look down to. Meeting seniors through activities like theater, band and The Scroll has been one of the greatest blessings of my life. Hopefully all of the seniors who know me are crying at this point. To anyone outside of those groups…you don’t actually exist to me, but I’m sure you have done a lot of interesting activities within your time here. I just don’t really care to know about them. Either way, I thank you all for your service to this school and more so for actually surviving it. I wish you all the best for your future and, if I ever see you again, I will be bullying you for whatever you ended up doing-- whether it be at a gas station or on Broadway. Wherever it is, I do hope I see you again. I’ll truly miss you, Boomers. Love you guys. <3

Signing off for now,

Haddix Blackmon

Final Regards- Hopefully I get a few select seniors to cry here.

Dear Sean Glover,

You have no idea how much you have done for me. I was having a difficult time with confidence in myself at the start of this year. I knew almost no one and I was nervous about everything. I didn’t even feel worthy of talking to most of the other students at the school, especially not the seniors. Not until I joined crew for All Together Now did that change. I loved theater, but I still was incredibly nervous about joining the group and didn’t feel like I could ever be as good as anyone else there. Heck, I had only ever seen one musical on Disney Plus and that was my knowledge of theater. How could I ever be as good as the other kids who have been a part of this for years? However, when you helped me get better at crew in theater, when you helped me prepare for my audition for Puffs and then when you continued to cheer me on as I started helping with more shows afterward, I gained more and more confidence. I felt better in my own skin. The idea that such a skilled senior who I had barely known could show me the same support as a good father or a good brother could was unbelievable to me. That confidence you helped me gain got me into so many other activities– including (but not limited to) The Scroll. You have been a better role model for me than most people I have ever known. You continue to cheer me on and have continued to help me through my first high school year. I truly hope that I have made you proud. I hope you enjoy life after high school, but I am going to miss you so, so much. I had better see you at the next high school performance.

Your kid and random theater child you met,

Haddix Blackmon <3

Dear Bryce Robertson,

I am going to be completely honest with you-- I was incredibly scared of you at first. You seemed so professional and so good at everything you did that I was scared to even talk to you. It was the same fear as when you see a famous person and feel like they are simply above you. Not to mention you had a resting face that made me feel like you were always disappointed. When you played Wayne in Puffs, I loved watching you perform but never had the courage to tell you how cool it was to watch you act. So that compliment is a little late but still holds true. When I went to join tech for Shrek the Musical, I was terrified that you might have hated me, so I almost didn’t send you a message about wanting to join. I spent an hour rereading that message that just said, “Hi, is this Bryce?” I am so glad I sent it, though. Working with you was amazing and, every time you told me I was doing well, it gave me the strength to keep going with that show– my most difficult show I have been apart of. Despite that, I loved the time I got to have with you, and I am honestly kind of upset with myself for waiting so long to ever say something to you. Thank you for, you know, not hating me and for actually seeming to care about my well-being during that hell of a show. Thank you for being such a good actor and for being someone that I can look up to in everything that you do. I wish you the best of luck in your future endeavors and I really hope I see your name in a Broadway cast list one day.

The random freshman you saw every now and then,

Haddix Blackmon <3

Dear J,

Having you as a stage manager for Puffs was a delight. I didn’t realize that was your first time managing a show and that is because of how well you were able to manage everything. I was kind of scared of you at first and, when I got myself in trouble with you, it didn’t help in the slightest. I was worried that you hated me after that and I honestly gave up hope then and there. However, when we both did Shrek the Musical crew together and you gave me rides to and from shows, you helped me out and would just listen to me talk about my problems or just my day, it made me feel a lot better. It was reassuring and, even though I still say really dumb things and I still make a lot of mistakes, I know I can be better because of some of the advice that you have given me. I’m so glad I got to be on your good side because you are such an amazing person to be around. You are so enthusiastic and I was always laughing when I was around you. So, thank you for being such a great person to be around when life felt really sucky. You are an exceptional person and I am excited to hear how life after high school goes!

Your favorite sarcastic weirdo in the backseat,

Haddix Blackmon <3

Dear Milan Geurin,

Now that I have talked about pretty much only theater kids in this article for The Scroll, I’d also really like to talk about you now. First of all, I’d like to mention that every time you complimented my fit during Puffs, I got a huge boost of confidence because you were right-- the Mad-Eye Moody fit was absolutely spiffy. Second of all, and more importantly, thank you so much for everything you have done for The Scroll. Being the president of something like this newspaper seems incredibly difficult. The fact that you have been doing this for three years is astonishing. I have a lot of respect for all of the work you have done, for keeping all of us wild kids in check somehow, for your amazing writing ability, and for your absolute FIRE fits. Thank you for welcoming me in with such open arms, despite me being incredibly new to this field. I love the community that has been made in The Scroll and you have been the one taking care of and nurturing this family for so long. So, thank you for helping create a space that is so welcoming and safe for someone new like me. I know you are going to continue to do great things after high school and I am going to miss having you around the school.

The freshman goofball and second biggest distraction in meetings,

Haddix Blackmon <3

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