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Lily Elfrink will take you on a guided tour of her thought process in this glorious satire article.
an article about nothing
an article about nothing
By Lily Elfrink
By Lily Elfrink
Why, hello there, my dear readers! In this article, I will be covering some very important subjects, so make sure you pay attention to all the hyper details that will be hidden in this bountiful cornucopia of vital information.
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Social Issues
Social Issues
Many people have issues with social issues. This is, I believe, why they are called social issues. But then again, people generally solve issues and there are still quite a few social issues. So maybe they should instead be called “social problems that people talk a lot about but never do anything to change.” Also, what is up with the word “issue?” It can mean an edition of the fantastical Scroll, or a problem that, as I said before, people talk a lot about but also never try to change. Or if they do try, it rarely has that noticeable of an effect. We still have social issues. Obviously, someone is not doing their job correctly.
Lily's Rant on the English Language
Lily's Rant on the English Language
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Guess what my least favorite word in the whole entire wide old world is? COLONEL. Because-- and this blew my tiny little mind when I first found out-- it is pronounced KERNEL. THERE ARE NO R’S IN THE WORD COLONEL. The English language is honestly so dumb. There are words that sound the same, but don’t mean anything similar and are spelled utterly differently-- like "their", "there", and "they’re." What the heck is up with that?? These words are called homonyms. What the heck is a homonym?! I mean, obviously, I know what it is, but why "homonym"? That word is almost even weirder than "colonel".
Lily's Thoughts On 'Merica
Lily's Thoughts On 'Merica
Did you know that, of the countries that have a legal drinking age, the youngest drinking age is 15? According to NYRA, "countries with lower drinking ages have fewer alcohol-related problems. " Interesting, right? Maybe the U.S. should learn from them. Overall, the U.S. is just really going downhill. Because who likes progress? Who needs it? Not us! We’re ‘Mericans! We don't need to treat people equally in our “free” country! After all, "In 2020, women earned 84% of what men earned," according to Pew Research Center, but that is because women would rather go take care of kids and cook than work, so that is why we have a gender pay gap! I mean what gender pay gap? Also, if you love someone of the same sex, you are going to hell! Also, everyone must be heterosexual, white, male, rich, and cis. Oh and Christian. And you had better not be a liberal! Cause we’re ‘MERICANS! Although, technically, we are United Statians (see my above rant on the English language). Because North America is a continent, people. Not a country. Mind-blowing, right? It should also be noted that other countries in North America do not identify as Americans, and for good reason. Who would want to be grouped with the United States of 'Merica? Not me, that's for sure--which is truly unfortunate, seeing as I was born and raised here in the States. It's hard not to be associated with the U.S. when you have never lived anywhere else.
The Difference Between Ancestry and Cultural Identification
The Difference Between Ancestry and Cultural Identification
Ever notice how, if you ask someone from the States where they are from, they will tell you where their ancestors are from? Like: “Oh, me? I’m 50% Italian, 3% French, and 47% Norwegian!” Come on, Sharon. We all know that you are from the U.S. Own it! To be completely honest, I do this, too... because just saying that you are American is so boring. I would much rather tell people that I am Norwegian, Dutch, and German with a wee tad of Hungarian than “Oh, yeah. I’m from that huge, screwed-up country no one likes.” You can tell which one is more exotic, right? But the United States is not all bad, you know. We have… hmm. I’ll have to think about that one and get back to you. Oh, I know! It's pretty here. Just don't go to Kansas. *Coughboringcough* Ahem. Pardon me. Moving right along. (I feel like a tour guide right now.)
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Now it is that time again--when I tell you what you were supposed to learn from this article in a succinct and eloquent way. But I don't know, and I don’t have time for that. So instead, I shall leave you with a question. Which came first? The chicken-- or the egg? Think about it. So long, readers! Read on.
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