Facebook Marketplace
In her satirical article, Mariah pokes fun at popular secondhand shopping website Facebook Marketplace.
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facebook marketplace
facebook marketplace
By Mariah Lumsden
By Mariah Lumsden
Facebook Marketplace was launched in 2016 and, ever since then, the world has been steadily declining. This is not to say that Facebook Marketplace caused the worldwide pandemic, wars, and severe inflation, but these events were not as much of an issue before Facebook Marketplace was launched, were they? It is not clear why the insidious Mark Zuckerberg launched Facebook Marketplace, but some speculate is that it was a way that he could sell his notorious smoked meats.
Facebook Marketplace is a safe space for wine moms and Home Depot dads, but it is also very much for people that just want to kidnap other people. And everyone knows that if you die in the metaverse during a Facebook Marketplace exchange, you die in real life, too. We all know someone who has bought a dresser off of Facebook Marketplace and told you how they bought the dresser off of Facebook Marketplace and bought it at a good price, but the vibe of the dresser feels a little bit cursed somehow. People who sell dressers on Facebook Marketplace are middle aged men who live in the middle of nowhere, smell like cigarettes, and they have a yappy little chihuahua that follows them outside and they tell it to shush before they even say hello to you.
Image: An example of the weird, cursed things you can buy on Facebook Marketplace.
What ever happened to Craigslist? Facebook Marketplace is more severe than Craigslist in the respect that you can most definitely buy freshly stained light-wash jeans and, yes, you can find the same things on Craigslist but not at the same insane prices that Facebook Marketplace offers. Just because you can sell something on Facebook Marketplace does not mean that you should.
I once found a trailer so old listed on Facebook Marketplace that I am pretty sure it was the first trailer ever, and it only cost $1! If that is not one excellent deal, then I don’t know what is. What is the human race’s obsession with selling absolutely everything online? The duality of man consists of being able to put a man on the moon while also being able to sell a single airpod with the earwax and everything on Facebook Marketplace. What happened to the good old days when people would sell a cheeto that looked like Elvis on Craigslist?
Image: Another example of the strange items being sold on Facebook Marketplace. Seriously, who is buying this stuff?
I encourage anyone that has access to Facebook Marketplace to use their god-given right to browse that doomed website and find the most absurd listings as a form of self-care. If you ever think you are having a bad day, I promise you, if you buy something off of Facebook Marketplace, it will only get worse.
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