In this satire article, Evan Tucker pokes fun at the ridiculousness of the right-wing conspiracy group called QAnon.
Congratulations, Quties! Our Lord and Savior Q has finally found enough evidence to put President Trump back in office. Joe Biden, or dare I say “Jim Carrey” has at last served his last day as President. The DemoRATS are being exposed for their fraud! NO MORE, I SAY! I can already see it now. Gas prices at 40 cents a gallon (discounted if you’re a registered Republican), the economy is booming, and COVID doesn’t exist!
Too long have we suffered under the muzzle of the mask. If you see someone wearing their mask, be sure to tell them, just as Fox News host Tucker Carlson said, “Your mask is making me uncomfortable.” The liberal agenda has nailed our families to the cross by the needle of the vaccine. The vaccine, forced upon my mother, was the cause of her demise. Her recount… so heartbreaking. She fought, and fought and fought, but could not break free. “It’s just a tetanus shot,” they said. BUT AS QANON BELIEVERS, WE KNOW THE TRUTH! One week later, SHE WAS DEAD! She coughed, and struggled to breathe; the arm ached at the cite of the inoculation. If only. If only, if only, if only Trump was there to save her…
The President is back like he never left us. The children, defended, protected like Jesus protected Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego from being burned alive in the Bible. But only this time, instead of Nebuchadnezzar, it’s worse… the Democrats. Every night, Democratic congressmen and the President are worshiping Satan and sacrificing Republican children below the White House. Now that President Trump is back, our children are saved! The satanic rituals will be no more!
It’s lie after lie from Biden. Last year, he said that he was 78, and now he said he’s 79! Which one is it, Sleepy Joe? Can you not count? Apparently not, since you and your leftist friends tell people you won! You’re WOKE and we’re AWAKE. Trump won 484 electoral votes, and the only state Trump didn’t win was California. They thought their fraud could be hidden! The left wants you to think that the Dominion voting machines were perfect, but in fact, it’s (Do)Minion. MINION VOTING MACHINES! THE MINIONS ARE CONTROLLING OUR ELECTIONS! Trump has exposed those evil yellow fiends for what they really are… communists. Their Marxist influence is no stop for President Trump and his lawyers. Trump bravely tweeted: “REPORT: DOMINION DELETED 2.7 MILLION TRUMP VOTES NATIONWIDE.” They say our evidence isn’t proof, but it is because my Uncle Greg told me, and Rep. Matt Gaetz told my Uncle Greg and Trump told Rep. Matt Gaetz who told my Uncle Greg who told me, and Q told Trump who told Rep. Matt Gaetz who told Greg who told me.
And to all of you libfarts that say that Trump said, “The vaccine is one of the greatest achievements of mankind," you’re wrong. That was Obama controlling Trump with his 5G! DON”T BELIEVE IT! They have been using 5G for decades, as far back as 1828, to force our babies join the communist regime. Every day, when they walk into school, they are using the 5G to indoctrinate our children with the leftist lies. Trump said, “I love the poorly educated,” which is why I pulled my child out of third grade. Now she can learn to be a better follower of Trump and get out of the public school system. Now, little Brylee learns via “Truth Social.” Trump’s new social media app is fully equipped to get my daughter ready for the world. She learns about how the best letter of the alphabet is Q, that you don’t actually need 270 electoral votes to win the election, and about the wonders of capitalism.
The United States is improving rapidly. It has only been a day and gas prices are dropping, COVID no longer exists, and my business is doing outstanding! My crematorium was flourishing just before the election; then, as soon as Biden “wins,” suddenly fewer people die? Sounds like a conspiracy to me. WAYYY more people are dying now that Trump won, and I’m making SOOOO much more money. Business is booming! THANK YOU, PRESIDENT TRUMP!