You've seen it or been a part of it. A parent or child is angry at you, or each other and you need to diffuse the situation.

It's pleasing that fist fights, verbal altercations and the like are not that frequent with our kids at our Citipointe programs, however, knowing and outworking this module could quite simply make the difference between a cracked skull and two sullen girls walking away from each other.

Preventative Measures

It’s essential we make sure we also have preventative measures in place before the fight occurs. Remember that child brain development means they might not be able to see the risks and consequences of a situation. The child or teen might not be able to see things from your perspective either.

Expectation

• The Citipointe Code of Conduct policy provision 8.1 says to “have clear expectations for children and young people about what is acceptable behaviour and the behaviour management strategies which will be used should be clear for children and young people and their parents.” That means all volunteers need to know and reiterate what is acceptable and non-acceptable behaviour and enforce it for the safety of all kids and teens. If you're not sure, ask. 

Atmosphere

• Never ignore aggression. If ignored, small acts of aggression can quickly grow into more violent aggression.

• All of our kids have a right to attend a Citipointe program where they feel safe.  Certain kids have a propensity to being physical - for little kids this could be pushing and shoving, for teens it could be a slap or hit on the back that's more than friendly.

• If you have kids like that, set the atmosphere by saying: “We don’t tolerate bad behaviour, fighting, bullying, pushing shoving of any kind. Understand?” Be firm.

• Beyond a chat, though, make sure that any disrespectful behaviour that leads to fighting – like aggressive gestures, heated emotions, or swearing – is not allowed either. Fights take a certain amount of “lead-in” time before erupting into fisticuffs, but if the child or teen can’t do any of the lead-in behaviours, then they can’t get to the actual fighting.

• This may mean ensuring that kids who have had tussles in the past are not in the same vicinity as each other and are told to keep a certain distance away from the other person.

What is Verbal De-escalation?

Verbal de-escalation is an important subject for church safety.

This is probably more valuable to know when dealing with parents and adults but you can certainly use it on the kids. 

It can move a person from the edge of committing a violent act to the position of making a controlled decision.  You can use your voice, eyes, facial expression and body language to stop something before it becomes something.

What Is Verbal De-escalation?

Verbal de-escalation is a learnable skill which can be used to prevent a verbally disruptive person from becoming physically combative.  

The challenge of learning verbal de-escalation is to eliminate the assumption that there are magic words or phrases which instantly calm people down.  The truth is that verbal de-escalation is a set of principles and guidelines which every volunteer can utilise to defuse a potentially harmful situation.

Goals of De-escalation

There are four main goals of verbal de-escalation:

1.    keep lines of communication open

2.    get the person talking

3.    actively listen

4.    maintain control through clear and calm communication

Why Do People Become Disruptive?

In most cases disruptive behavior is a result of a personal crisis or misunderstanding.  A personal crisis happens when a person perceives an event or situation has exceeded his/her ability to cope with the problem and the emotional anguish becomes intolerable.

There are several causes of personal crises:

• Family problems: a marriage falling apart, teenagers acting out, arguments with in-laws, and countless other scenarios.

• Financial problems: their home may be in foreclosure, they may have lost a job, they may not be able to feed their families or pay their bills.

• Substance abuse: alcoholism and addiction can put a great deal of strain on people.

• Medical conditions: chronic pain, a serious medical diagnosis, or even terminal illness can change people’s personalities and behavior.

• Mental illness: mental illness can also contribute to verbally combative behaviors.

It’s important to remember that a person who has a personal crisis is not necessarily weak in faith or character.  Everybody has hard times, so we should be compassionate and humble.

Dealing with a bleeding nose:

Sit the person up straight and drop their head slightly forward. Apply finger and thumb pressure on the soft part of nostrils below the bridge of the nose for at least 10 minutes. Encourage the person to breathe through their mouth while their nostrils are pinched. Loosen tight clothing around the neck.