conflict

Approaches to Conflict

We all have a way of how we react to conflict. Do you face it head on or do you avoid conflict? Do you approach the conflict as something to be won? According to Thomas & Kilmann (1976) individuals choose from five different approaches to conflict. These approaches vary along two dimensions called assertiveness and cooperation. Assertiveness is the extent to which you want your own needs to be met and cooperation is the extent to which you want the needs of the other to be met. We will look at these five styles in this module including avoidance, accommodation, competing, compromising, and collaborating.

Avoidance is one way to approach conflict. Some of us may avoid conflict at all costs, and think if we do not discuss it then everything will remain a-okay in our relationships. However, this is not the case, by avoiding conflict you also deny the relationship the potential to get closer or deeper. This is known as a lose-lose conflict style, since the parties are not able to gain from the conflict. In some instances, avoidance is the best option, for example if the topic is trivial or there is not enough time to adequately address the issue.

Accommodation is where the parties address the issue; however, after the topic is brought up one party gives into what the other party wants. It is a step above avoidance because at least the issue is discussed, but once the discussion begins one party will let go of any personal wants and allow the other party their want. This type of conflict style is a lose-win perspective. The person accommodating loses and the other person wins. At times it is appropriate to utilize an accommodating conflict style: if the issue is of little importance to you then it would be okay to give in to the other person.

Competition is viewing the conflict as something to be won. This win-lose perspective does not allow for the conflict to be discussed and worked through. Instead it approaches it as a prize to be won, you may react to conflict this way if your belief is that “I am right! And, this isn’t over until they too see that I am right!” This type of attitude negates constructive communication and focuses on “winning.” A competing conflict style can be appropriately used if there is in fact only one of something to go around, for example a job. If two friends apply for a job, but there is only one position, this can lead to conflict. Don’t be so quick to assume that this type of conflict cannot be worked out using a more collaborative conflict style, which we will review in just a moment.

Figure 1:

Five Approaches to Conflict Resolution

Compromising is something we all do. In fact, we may have it instilled with us that compromising is something we should strive for. However, when we compromise both parties lose something they may want. This is a good alternative to collaborative conflict management if both parties sacrifice some of their wants, we just have to be careful that we don’t sacrifice something we cannot live without. This style of conflict management is useful when both parties are willing to lose something and be cooperative in nature. A compromise may be the best option if you are negotiating your curfew. You would like to extend curfew until midnight from 10 pm on school nights, but your parents think this is too late. You may compromise to an 11pm curfew.

Our final conflict style is a collaborative approach to conflict, this is a win-win perspective. This means both parties win in the conflict. In this conflict style both parties strive to reach a solution that satisfies the needs of both parties. Both parties are cooperative in nature and work together to find a resolution. A collaborative approach to conflict requires both parties to be open to discussion, address the issue with honesty, remembering to address the issue and not attack the other person, and both parties will need to be creative in finding a solution. Although, a collaborative approach is desired it does require the most time to achieve.

Application of a collaborative approach

A collaborative approach to conflict resolution is the best conflict style where both parties can achieve satisfaction. However, it is the one that requires the most skill and time. Below you will learn a way on how to begin this process (Adapted by Beebe & Mottett, n.d.).

Step 1: Schedule a time to discuss the issue. You are ready to discuss what is bothering you, and that’s great! However, your communication partner must also be in the right mindset to discuss the issue. If possible, schedule a time to talk about the issue. “Hey honey I was wondering if tonight when you get home we discuss something that has been bothering me? If that is not a good time, when would a good time be?” This question shows that you are taking their feelings into consideration instead of bombarding them with what could be an intense conversation.

Step 2: Describe the problem. It is important to describe what the issue is. Describe the issue as something to be solved. Figure out what needs of the partner are not currently being met. Unmet needs may be causing the issue. Some conflicts stem from feelings of neglect or disrespect; is this what is causing the problem? Be sure to use your skills of describing behaviors and actions. Refrain from attacking the other person. You might say something like, “When we got home from the restaurant yesterday, and I was telling you about my day, I noticed that you were just on your phone. You were not paying attention to me.”

Step 3: Create understanding. After the problem has been described, be sure both parties understand the issue. It is imperative that both parties understand the problem.

If no understanding is met then you cannot move on to solving the problem. The partner could say, “oh, I guess that wasn’t a good time to catch up online. Sorry, I know that you had a bad day yesterday and I should have put my phone away so I wouldn’t be distracted by it.”

Step 4: Set goals. As a couple, set the goals that need to be achieved in order for the conflict to be resolved. “Maybe we can try to keep both our phones off the table when we are talking so that we can both concentrate on each other?”

Step 5: Generate solutions and select the best one. Generate as many solutions as possible. Be creative in your solutions. You should strive to have as many options as possible, but if this is a new skill, try to have at least three solutions. Two is not nearly enough, and chances are you and your communication partner already have one to offer, so finding at least a third alternative will get your creative juices flowing. After you have exhausted all possible solutions, remove any that do not align with your goals, and select the best solution.

Step 6: Implement the solution. After the solution has been selected, implement it. Be sure both parties agree to the solution. If both parties agree to the solution, then you are more likely going to implement it. Set a time to circle back and check in with each other. At check in evaluate if the solution is working.

A collaborative approach will allow you to navigate the conflict with a win-win perspective. It takes the needs of both parties into account and sees the conflict as something to solved and worked through together. It emphasizes the relationship and views the conflict as something to be accomplished as a unit.

The darkside of communication: Relationship violence

Being able to navigate conflict and reach resolutions is a skill. Unfortunately, some individuals fail to utilize this skill. This can lead to very dangerous situations. We will briefly touch on relationship violence.

Relationship violence is “a pattern of behaviors used by one partner to maintain power and control over another partner in an intimate relationship” (National Domestic Hotline, n.d., para. 1). These types of behaviors aim to control their partner. This can take place through emotional, verbal, physical, social or financial abuse. One type of relationship violence is Intimate Partner Violence (IPV) in which one partner attempts to control the other through financial, sexual, social, psychological, or physical abuse (Hess, 2018).

Emotional and verbal abuse strives to communicate in a manner that makes the other party feel worthless and manipulates them to do as the other party wishes. Examples of these behaviors include verbal attacks such as name calling, threatening physical danger to the party or the party’s loved ones, threats of going public with private information or making up rumors, threatening of suicide if the party leaves, gaslighting, or minimizing the abuse. The partner demand/self-withdraw pattern of communication is associated with IPV. This is where the partner demands change or compliance to certain rules and the victim withdraws to avoid interaction with that partner (Pickover, et al., 2017). The impact of IPV on the victim is long reaching and can result in General Anxiety Disorder as well as Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder.

Physical abuse is where one party physically hurts the other party. This type of abuse consists of not only being physically hit/touched, but intimidation techniques. This includes sexual abuse or threat of sexual abuse. These could be restraining movements or blocking of doorways/pathways.

Social abuse is isolating the partner from their family and friends. Survivors of Intimate Partner Violence (IPV) surveyed had stated that the abuse was under a broader context of “coercive control” (Hess, 2018). This coercive control was an attempt to limit agency, social support by isolating the survivor from family and friends, denying transportation (sometimes by flattening car tires, or hiding the car keys) and “microregulating” their life (Stark, 2007). The abuser may keep strict tabs on where the other party is at all times. They will further monitor cell phone usage and messages, and control who the partner can speak with (Hess, 2018). Additionally, the abuser may call incessantly and become upset if the call is not picked up or returned immediately. This form of IPV dominance-isolation is strongly correlated with the victim having Generalized Anxiety Disorder (Pickover, et al., 2017). They may also show up unannounced under the guise they missed their partner, but in reality it is to maintain control over the victim.

Finally, financial abuse aims to control the partner through financial means. The partner may make it difficult for the other partner to maintain a job, unable to attend work consistently, and may even harass the partner at work. Those who experienced this type of abuse have reported that they have missed out on a promotion or lost other work opportunities and the financial benefits of advancement in their jobs (Hess, 2018). If one party controls all monetary means and does not allow the other party to freely access their money this is abuse. A partner may also deem what the other party may buy and request receipts for all purchases. Gifts following an episode are means to manipulate the abused party.

Often these relationships start out without any violence, and then little behaviors start to show. More times than not we look past these or dismiss as “look how loving they are, they’re really worried about me,” until it is not small transgressions and this type of violence and coercive control is now the norm. Abused partners can find themselves socially isolated from friends and family and under the control of their partner. It is often financial factors that prove the biggest obstacle to leaving the relationship. For example, in a survey of IPV survivors, the Institute for Women’s Policy Research found that survivors didn’t have another place to live, said they would be unable to support themselves or their children with their own income, didn’t have a job, wouldn’t be able to afford child care, wouldn’t have transportation, or their credit was negatively impacted and they couldn’t get the resources or loans that they needed to leave (Hess, 2018). If you feel you are or someone you know is in a dangerous situation of IVP, you may seek help through the National Domestic Violence Hotline.

Summary

In this unit we discussed the various approaches to conflict: avoidance, accommodation, competition, compromising, and collaborative. Avoidance is when avoid conflict, also seen as a lose-lose approach to conflict. Accommodation a lose-win perspective is where the parties address the issue; however, after the topic is brought up one party gives into what the other party wants. Competition a win-lose perspective is viewing the conflict as something to be won. Compromising is a good alternative when a collaborative approach is unable to attain. In a compromise both parties lose something in the solution. In a collaborative approach, a win-win perspective, both parties reach a solution that satisfies their needs. A six-step collaborative approach was discussed and explained. We ended the unit with a brief view on relationship violence discussing behaviors that exemplify this concept.

1. Let’s work it out!

Come to class with a bucket or bag. Have students anonymously write down a conflict they are currently experiencing or one that is fresh in their mind. Collect conflicts and place into your bucket or bag. Divide students into groups of 3 or 4. Have students draw a conflict from the bag. Advise students that they will need to act out the conflict in two ways. The first way of doing all the bad things we do in conflict (scream, yell, avoid, etc) and the second way collaboratively.

2. Discussion questions

Why is collaborative solution so difficult? Why don’t we strive for more collaborative approaches to conflict? How do you see yourself using this in the future?

Beebe, S.A., & Mottet, T.M. (2019). Fundamentals of human communication: comm 1310 2019-2020 guidebook. Pearson Education, Inc.

Hess, C. & Rosario, A. D. (2018). Institute for women’s policy research. Dreams Deferred: A survey on the impact of intimate partner violence on survivors’ education, careers, and economic security. https://iwpr.org/publications/dreams-deferred-domestic-violence-survey-2018/

National Domestic Violence Hotline. (n.d.). Abuse defined: the national domestic violence hotline. https://www.thehotline.org/is-this-abuse/abuse-defined/

Pickover, A. M., Lipinski, A. J., Dodson, T. S., Tran, H. N., Woodward, M. J., & Beck, J. G. (2017). Demand/withdraw communication in the context of intimate partner violence: Implications for psychological outcomes, Journal of Anxiety Disorders, 52, 95-102. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.janxdis.2017.07.002.

Stark, E. (2007). Coercive Control: The Entrapment of Women in Personal Life. Oxford University Press.

Thomas, K. & Kilmann, R. (1976). Thomas-Kilmann conflict MODE instrument. Group & Organization Studies, 1(2), 249-251.

Accommodation: A lose win perspective, the topic is discussed, however one party gives into the other party

Assertiveness: Extent to which you focus on your needs and wants during a conflict

Avoidance: A lose-lose perspective, conflict is avoided at all costs

Collaborative: A win-win perspective, parties work together collaboratively to solve the issue and find resolution. This style requires parties to have adequate time to discuss the issue at length

Competition: A win-lose perspective; conflict is something to be won

Compromising: Both parties give up something to reach a solution

Cooperation: Extent to which you focus on the other person’s needs and the relationship with that person during a conflict

Gaslighting: Words are twisted against you causing to question yourself and your reality

Intimate Partner Violence (IPV): One partner attempts to control the other through financial, sexual, social, psychological, or physical abuse

Relationship Violence: A pattern of behaviors used by one partner to maintain power and control over another partner in an intimate relationship

1. Watch https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o97fVGTjE4w and relate the TedTalk to the five conflict styles discussed in the unit.

2. Watch this TedTalk on Gaslighting and then answer the following questions.

• What is the mom’s perception of her daughter’s childhood? What are the daughter’s perceptions of her own childhood? How does this difference in perception relate to gaslighting?
• You can find the link here https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v4P2Qwh1QCU: Gaslighting

3. Watch the clip from Girl on a Train. What types of abuse are present? See the link here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B2zzhcU9f9U