Originally published May 6, 2022

   You know who grinds my gears? People who pretend to be fans and don’t know anything about what they claim to be a fan of. 

   If your favorite episode of Battlestar Galactica isn’t the one where Luke Skywalker destroys the Romulans, I don’t even want to talk to you. And while we are at it, the Steven Spielberg extended-length, director’s edition of “Deep Space Nine" is the only version to watch. 

   And one more thing, if you wear a band shirt, know something about the band. I don’t think most people who wear “Nirvana” shirts could name either one of their piccolo players. 

   If you don’t know that Russell Wilson could have played basketball for the New York Islanders if they had drafted him, don't even call yourself a sports fan. Inform yourself before you speak, people.

    And that is what grinds my gears!

   You know what really grinds my gears? False advertising.

   Last year, I had been hearing a lot about this game called “Fortnite.” Initially, as a history enthusiast and an intensely literal interpreter of video game titles, I was intrigued. As a kid, I remember being amazed and humbled by reading of long-lasting, epic battles and sieges throughout the history of the world, gritty skirmishes fought in the name of justice and freedom. Many of these battles and sieges lasted a fortnight (14 days) or longer. 

   A few weeks ago, I downloaded the game. The excitement was real.  Finally, there was a game designed to nurture my preference for a hyper-realistic, extremely slow-paced, historical, battle and siege simulator, that I could sink actual fortnights of my life into at a time. A single video game match that literally lasts two weeks? Sign me up. That’s what I call immersion. 

   I couldn’t wait to experience tediously realistic hunger and fatigue mechanics, 30-minute porridge eating mini-games, monotonous, hour-long debates about the best way to clean a saddle or scrub a dish, and 37 ways to cook and eat baked beans. Washing out mud-covered army uniforms in freezing rivers. Sleeping for six real-world hours to recover strength, without any way to speed up the in-game passage of time. Struggling to fall asleep over the lamentations of my wounded fellow soldiers. Battles, preparations, struggles, and setbacks, that truly lasted a fortnight. The unforgiving, unfiltered, authentic life of history’s soldiers. At last, some realism in video games. Or so I thought…

   Imagine my shock and disappointment, when the first Fortnite match I played ended in a pathetic two minutes, knocked out by a character looking suspiciously similar to Captain America... This game is not what I expected. 1/10 stars.

   And THAT is what grinds my gears. 

   You know what grinds my gears? The word "glitch".

   I truly despise that word. As a description of what's going on with a Chromebook or a computer or a phone, it says NOTHING. 

   Is it a screen problem? Could be. A log in problem? Possibly. An extension conflict? Maybe. A problem with old cookies that need to be deleted? Likely. Literally anything? Yup!

   I understand it’s a popular word, cool to say, and sounds like you are describing an actual problem when you use it. However, the word is far too vague to be of any use. Dictionary.com describes it as “ANY error, malfunction, or problem” with a computer. As someone who assists students and staff with technical problems, solving a “glitch” is virtually impossible. 

   I have no idea what the actual problem is. It’s the equivalent of telling someone you are sick. HOW are you sick? What does that even mean? Is it a head cold or a stomachache? Let’s be specific, people!

   Language is important, and specific language even more so. With vague language, the person hearing you might misinterpret what you are saying. What we say is the only way we really have to communicate with each other. 

   So, by all means, it is needless to say that all students and teachers should stop using the word “glitch” and replace it with something as clear as mud, earlier rather than later, very soon at the soonest! Or something like that.

   And that, precisely, is what grinds my gears.

   You know what really grinds my gears... CARGO SHORTS! 

   For the last couple of decades this style has plagued men's fashion and it needs to end RIGHT NOW. Why do I hate them so much you may ask? They're tacky, they're completely unflattering on anyone of any body type, and they haven't truly been on trend since the early/mid 2000s when Abercrombie & Fitch, Hollister, American Eagle, etc. ruled the fashion scene among teens and young adults. 

   How do you solve this problem? It's simple. Start a bonfire in your backyard or in your fireplace (if you have one) and throw every single pair of cargo shorts that you own into the crackling blaze.    

   BURN THEM ALL!!!! 

   Once you have done that, go to your favorite local retailer (not Carhartt) and get fitted for several pairs of shorts that are flattering to your body frame, friendly on your budget, and actually in style for this decade.  

   And that's what grinds my gears.