PHOTO COURTESY OF CLIPART.COM

Originally published April 15, 2020.

   You know what really grinds my gears?! Laugh Tracks!

   Now you may think that I am some kind of deranged, psycho for not watching the hit television show, Friends. And you know what. I AM! 

   Though see it’s not just in that wretched show only, the cliche, infectious, cheap canned laughter that started with live studio audiences who would laugh whenever there was an  illuminated “LAUGH” sign, or applaud whenever there would be an “APPLAUD” sign.

   And sure enough they’re in most of our cherished Disney Channel shows, but look at some of the shows on there nowadays, I recognize two of the EIGHTEEN shows.

   Sure we didn’t care or consider them much when we were younger. But see now I can’t escape them. My younger brothers watching Disney Channel, my older brothers watching shows on Netflix like Friends and That 70’s Show.

   I mean why even HAVE laugh tracks if your viewers would genuinely laugh at the “comedic” puns and “hilarious” inconveniences in your sitcom. There’s no point!

   Never once have I laughed at a sitcom even, I don’t care if you disagree with me or if you like ANY sitcom, I don’t.

   And THAT is what grinds my gears!

   You know what really grinds my gears?! White shoes!

   White shoes aren’t inherently bad… It's the delusional mindset behind keeping them clean. The philosophy of buying shoes (which are supposed to get dirty by design), but avoiding getting a speck of dirt on them  at all costs is just… disturbing. Trying to protect your white shoes from danger turns walking into a life-or-death situation.

   Let’s say it’s raining outside (it’s Washington… it’s probably raining as you’re reading this) and your next class is in the portables. You don’t want to be late to class… but you’re also wearing your brand new white shoes.

   This forces you to take on one of the most daring tasks in humanity. An expedition that puts Homer’s Odyssey to shame. Your expedition: to protect your white shoes from danger at all costs.

   Like many epics, there are a plethora of obstacles the heroine/hero must overcome. Rain… puddles… and the most dangerous of them all… other people’s shoes.

   However, the great unknown of Washington’s weather has an Achilles heel: YOU JUST BUY NORMAL SHOES AND DON’T WORRY ABOUT GETTING THEM DIRTY. 

   And THAT is what grinds my gears!

   You know what really grinds my gears?! Sick People Who Go To School!

   Have you ever seen that one kid at school who looks like a zombie from The Walking Dead? The person who is walking around with a red nose and eyes, dripping nostrils and hoarse cough? Well if you haven’t had the pleasure, it’s freaking disgusting! 

   Or when you are in a quiet class and you hear that, slimey, nasty, gut-wrenching sniffle that repeats, over, and over again. Then after a couple of minutes of hearing that, you just want to say GRAB A TISSUE! 

   I mean hats off to you if you want to show up to school to keep up your perfect attendance, but please don’t get near  me with that hot stinky bad breath, because I can’t speak for everybody, but I don’t like being sick when It's not my fault.  And then after thinking to yourself, “Don’t get sick, don’t get sick, don’t get sick!” You then start to feel that tingly soreness in your throat.  Knowing that you have been INFECTED, and it was all that sick person’s fault.

And THAT’S what grinds my gears!

   You know what really grinds my gears?! Dora the Explorer

   She is always getting into trouble with her pet monkey and the map that TALKS.  Also, Dora has an obsession for breaking the fourth wall asking the watcher how to say delicious in Spanish. Like girl, I get that you are trying to teach but do you have to do it on a ship with dancing dolphins and unicorns and then receiving the ring of friendship.  

   It not only bugs me, it ANNOYS me of the characters like the pet monkey, Boots, and the weird suspicious map that would probably always choose the longest, most difficult route for Dora and her “friends” to go.   

   Don’t even get me started with TEENAGE DORA… Yes, even more reasons to keep you awake at night with Dora and some random other teens fighting evil gooses and dancing AGAIN with more unicorns.

   I also have a valid reason that Dora and Duolingo Bird are going to take over the world with the power of language.  Imagine surrendering your old lifestyle and in the mercy of a 10 year old that knows Spanish and the evil Duolingo bird.    

   And THAT’S what grinds my gears!

   You know what really grinds my gears?! Sauce!

   I don’t quite understand how other people don’t have this issue when cleaning sauce containers. Not like the plastic ones from fast food places, but when you put it in a glass container. It’s truly the real enemy of 2020. 

   If there was a World War 3, it would be because of the sauce. The second you turn on the sink and begin cleaning out the excess sauce, you know it’s not going to be pretty. The sauce swirls around in a small circle becoming one with the worm, and BOOM! It becomes a saucy waterfall that’s out to get you and your fingers. 

   You're in shock and don’t know what to do for what feels like an eternity and you just can't fathom that this just happened so you stand there contemplating life. Then finally reality decides to kick in and help you through this crisis. But as you reach for the washcloth, your body gets the jitters and that stalls you from ending this nightmare.

   This has ruined my food dipping experiences if you were wondering. Thank you for joining me in  my TedTalk.

   And THAT’S what grinds my gears!

   You know what really grinds my gears?! Live-Action Remakes

   It’s like Walt Disney Studios just wants to make more money so they think, “Hey let’s just remake what we’ve already done, but LIVE-ACTION this time”. 

   There’s just no need for them. Plus the originals are always better. I mean come on! Have you seen Sonic?! I kid you not, the trailers literally gave me nightmares. What is the point of it all? I’ll tell you what the point is. MONEY! That’s clearly all they want. 

   It’s ridiculous and pointless! The amount of bad CGI that is in these movies is just disappointing.  And the fact that people are actually talking about how they would like a Coraline live-action remake just makes me wanna yell at them!  Do you know how much time and effort it took to make that movie?! Do you know how much detail it took? All I’m saying is that studios really need to be more creative and LEAVE THE CLASSICS ALONE! 

   And THAT’S what grinds my gears!

   You know what really grinds my gears?! Mismatched Socks! 

   The sock basket. Where all lone socks go to die. That poor little sock from the fourth grade will never find it’s match. If you wear mismatched socks I can’t even fathom what is going on in your mind, like it’s NOT quirky, or cute to mismatch your socks. 

   Woke up late, don’t want people to know? Too late. We can see by your socks, you can’t hide the neon yellow sock that has so many holes it looks like a piece of swiss cheese or the hot pink one from the Super Jump Party Zone birthday party with the grippy traction on the bottom.

  I just wonder how hard it is for people to get laundry from the dryer and match their socks. It’s TWO simple steps, grab the socks, fold them together. If you’re too lazy to match your socks, I’m sorry, but I can’t talk to you. Matching socks go together like spaghetti and meatballs, NO, peanut butter and jelly. SOCKS NEED TO MATCH! Matching your socks isn’t a hard thing to achieve, it’s not a lifestyle, it’s something everyone can do.

   And THAT’S what grinds my gears!