PHOTO COURTESY OF CLIPART.COM

Originally published  April 1, 2020.

    You know what grinds my gears!? Pineapple on Pizza!

   Pizza, the  popular food that originated from Italy, is  a delicacy. 

   While there are many toppings that may be placed on a pizza, such as various cheeses and meats, there is one very specific food that does not not belong on pizza, and that is pineapple.

   What is the purpose of pineapple on pizza? If it is to add sweetness, then have the pineapple itself.

   If it is to add healthiness, why sacrifice a perfectly cooked pizza for a soggy crust. Plus, pineapple on pizza is not even that healthy if you think about it. 

   The acidity of tomato sauce combined with the acidity of pineapple will ruin your stomach.    

   If we are getting into the correct terminology here, pizza, as defined by Oxford University, is “a dish of Italian origin consisting of a flat, round base of dough baked with a topping of tomato sauce and cheese, typically with added meat or vegetables.” Nowhere in that definition was pineapple mentioned. 

   Take it from Gordon Ramsey, the legend himself: “Pineapple does not go on top of pizza…”

   I repeat, Pineapple doesn’t belong on pizza.

   And THAT is what grinds my gears!

  You know what grinds my gears!? Highlighters that smear the ink on your paper.

   Imagine this, you’re working hard in class and you have some printed text that you would like to annotate. You reach into your bag and pull out your handy-dandy highlighter.

   This is the friend that you rely on to accentuate important parts of this article, but the moment you place that hard chisel tip on your paper. It betrays you!

   Well, well, let’s see what important news you have properly bolded to help you in your studies, oh wait. Nevermind. There’s just this weirdly neon-black colorful blob that has been bestowed upon you for trying to highlight that one sentence.

   “It’s not that bad,” you say in that tone you tell to people who you think are overreacting. 

   NOT THAT BAD!

   How can I even read this catastrophe when the brightly colored stick that I used when I wanted to see the important words messed it up and turned it into this soup on my paper.

  Why? We have literal spaceships, but for some reason, we can’t have the peaceful coexisting of that luminous liquid and ink on paper.

And THAT is what grinds my gears!

  You wanna know what grinds my gears? Hair.

   I genuinely despise my hair.   It’s never right, it’s either too straight, too long, too short, or in the way.  It can never just comply with me.

   Not only that, but when I need it the most it always looks TERRIBLE.  Picture day is always the day that destroys all the confidence I have left.  It makes me wanna buzz everything off and hide in my room for the rest of ETERNITY!

   And, why does my hair have to be in the way and annoying ALL THE TIME.  When I’m doing schoolwork, running, and even when I'm gaming, like can I get a break man.

   Also, when I take my headset off after gaming for a while, there’s an indent that my headset left in my hair like 5 INCHES DEEP.  The indent makes me look like a creepy ALIEN.  Might as well be considered the alien from E.T.

   Another thing that makes me agitated is when my hair can't seem to stop covering my eyes.  Like it's blocking HALF MY VISION.  It even makes my eyes itch.

   And THAT is what grinds my gears!

   You know what grinds my gears!? Windchimes.

   Everyone loves windchimes. The practical look on the outside that adds a nice touch to your front porch, the sound it makes when a gust of wind blows by, right? WRONG. 

   Don’t get me wrong, if you like windchimes I’m not gonna judge you. You do you.  However, there are many attributes about windchimes that I just can’t seem to get over.

   First off, I know that windchimes are meant to keep evil spirits away, or at least that's what Hunker.com says, but I’m sure many people have windchimes for decoration. If you want to spice up your front porch why not put a bird feeder instead, or one of those hanging plants instead.

   The sound, it’s ear numbing. It’s like when you bang your toe on a door, or when your favorite shirt no longer fits you. 

   I never liked how loud bells can be, but that never bothered me because you can control whenever you wanted the bells to ring. But with windchimes, they ring whenever the winds seem fit.

  In conclusion, this is why I despise the existence of windchimes.

   And THAT is what grinds my gears!

  You know what grinds my gears!? When chip bags are 75% air.

  Imagine this: it’s lunch and you are having a craving that only salty pieces of processed potato fried in oil could satisfy, but upon opening the bag you are greeted with an abyss filled with nitrogen and little crumbs that are supposed to be chips.  We’re all too familiar with this scene.

   But alas, life is filled with many disappointments. 

   But seriously, do chip manufacturers expect that our hunger be satiated with such a measly amount of chips? WELL, NEWSFLASH! WE CAN’T.

   Air is EVERYWHERE! There is no need for it to be taking up space in chip bags! We are not paying for air, people!

  If one had the insatiable craving for nitrogen, they could- I don’t know-  maybe just b r e a t h e. That is literally the FIRST THING WE DO WHEN WE’RE BORN. 

 Do you know how much money we could save if we weren’t buying extra chip bags just to feed ourselves? We wouldn’t have to do chores to get our allowance!

  But capitalism exists and is ruining our lives. No amount of chip bags is able to extinguish the inferno so vehemently burning in our hearts.

  And THAT is what grinds my gears!

  You know what grinds my gears!? Mayo!

   Mayo, or mayonnaise if you want to be pretentious,  is quite possibly the worst condiment you could put on your food. It has an unpleasant look, awful smell, and terrible taste. There are so many other better condiments you could use, like ketchup.

   Do you even know what mayo is made out of? It’s predominantly made out of egg yolk, vinegar, or lemon juice. At what moment in time did someone think It would be a good idea to mash those all together and think it would taste good, and how can I get a time machine to give them a good whack on the head to bring them back to their senses?

   Fun fact, mayo can be used as a deep conditioner for hair, you can even get mayo hair treatments. WHY? WHO WOULD DO THIS? Yeah, yeah, it may be ‘good for the hair’ but I will never put mayo inside of my precious hair. Even imagining it is disgusting. Imagine the smell, the texture, the grease. Horrific.

   Mayo is the worst condiment ever made. Thank you for coming to my humble Ted Talk

   And THAT is what grinds my gears!