Discussing Difficult Topics with Children

Having Difficult Conversations

As psychologists Rob Evans and Mark Kline say, “We worry about saying too much or too little, about not having enough information, about saying the wrong thing.” As they go on to say, there are several key points that can be helpful, but please remember there is no perfect approach. Here are the four points they emphasize:

• 1. “Don’t over-assume what the events mean to a child. It is common for an adult to feel, “If I’m this upset, they must be even more so.” But this is by no means always true. Students react differently depending on their closeness to the situation, their own personalities, and so on. Some may be deeply moved, others less so. Some may have many questions, others fewer. Not all will be intensely affected. Showing little reaction does not automatically mean a student is hiding or denying his or her feelings.

  2. Children and adolescents are remarkably resilient. They may become quite upset, but given a chance to express what they feel, most usually resume their normal lives—and often do so more rapidly than we adults. Most students do not benefit from extensive, probing questioning about their reactions. They do profit from parents and teachers being available to respond to their questions and to listen when they themselves want to talk.

  3. If you receive difficult questions it can be useful to understand these before answering them. Often a question is spurred by a feeling. Rather than plunging into an immediate answer, it can be helpful to learn what motivates the question by asking, “What made you think of that?” or “Can you tell me what you were thinking about?” Once you know the source of the question, it is easier to answer effectively.

  4. There may be questions you cannot answer, which can make you feel inadequate. But all of us are typically more comforted by straight talk than by false assurances. Rather than inventing a response, it can be much more helpful to say, “I don’t know,” and to ask, ”What have you heard?” or, “Did you have an idea about that?” And don’t worry if, in responding, you become emotional a time or two. It is all right for students to know that adults” also have concerns. (Evans & Kline)

Children may develop some temporary and short-lived symptoms of stress, which can look different developmentally:

• • Preschool Children may have more temper tantrums than usual, have hyperactive behavior, wet or soil themselves or “go backwards” from potty training, be fearful, have nightmares, have sleep and appetite changes, and/or be clingy and extra dependent.

  • Younger School-Age Children may show how they’re affected through play and behavioral symptoms like hyperactivity, sleep and appetite changes, a sudden drop in grades at school, not being able to focus, physical complaints like stomachaches and headaches, irritability, and sibling rivalry.

  • Older Children and Adolescents can express how they feel in words and describe their fears and concerns. They may experience anxiety, panic, depression, and problem behaviors such as conflicts with friends or family members.” (American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry–Disaster Resource Center)