Embedded Files
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If 2 is company and 3 is a crowd, what is 4 and 5?
Nine of course.
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Why is the number 10 afraid of seven?
Because seven ate nine.
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What do you get when you divide the circumference of jack-o-lantern by its diameter?
Pumpkin pi.
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How many math professors does it take to change a light bulb?
None, it's left to the student as an exercise.
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Why didn't the quarter roll down the hill with the nickel?
Because it had more cents.
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Upset with all the work she was getting in math class, the student finally spoke up, "graphing is where I draw the line."
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How many molecules in a bowl of guacamole?
Avacado's Number
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How do you make seven an even number?
Take the s away.
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Why should the number 288 never be mentioned?
It's two gross.
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What do you call a number that can't keep still?
A roamin' numeral.
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Teacher: Who can tell me what 9 x 8 is?
Student: 72.
Teacher: Who can tell me what 8 x 9 is?
Student: 27.
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How does a math professor propose to his fiancée?
With a polynomial ring.
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How does a mathematician induce good behavior in his or her children?
"I've told you n times, I've told you n+1 times..."
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How do you know when you've reached your Math Professor's voice-mail?
the message is, "The number you have dialed is imaginary. Please, rotate your phone by 90 degrees and try again..."
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Son: "My math teacher is crazy".
Mother: "Why?"
Son: "Yesterday she told us that five is 4+1, and today she told us that five is now 3 + 2."
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How do you know that your dentist studied algebra?
She said all that candy gave me exponential decay.
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10^12 microphones = 1 megaphone
1,000,000 aches = 1 megahertz
1,000 milliliters of wet socks = 1 liter hosen
10 millipedes = 1 centipede
0.5 large intestine = 1 semicolon
10^-2 mental journeys = 1 centimental journey
10^-6 phones = 1 microphone
10^-9 Nanettes = 1 nanoNanette
10^-12 boos = 1 picoboo
10^-18 boys = 1 attoboy
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Teacher: "What is seven Q plus three Q?"
Student: "Ten Q"
Teacher: "You're Welcome."
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Surgeon: Nurse, I have so many patients, who do I work on first?
Nurse: Simple, use the order of operations.
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How many classic geometers does it take to change a light bulb?
None, it can't be done with a straight edge and compass.
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Teacher: Your behavior reminds me of the square root of 2.
Student: Why?
Teacher: Because it's completely irrational.
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Why was the calendar sad?
Its days were numbered.
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Why did the 30-60-90 triangle marry the 45-45-90 triangle?
They were right for each other.
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Where do circles, ellipses, parabolas, and hyperbolas like to hang out in the summer?
Coney Island.
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What insect is good with numbers?
An Account-ant
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Where can you buy a ruler that is 3 feet long?
At a yard sale.
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Son: Dad, I'm going out with some friends tonight, could you do my math homework for me?
Dad: I'm sorry son, it just wouldn't be right.
Son: That's okay, can you try anyway?
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Why are diapers like 100 dollar bills?
They need to be changed.
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An engineer thinks her equations are an approximation to reality.
A physicist thinks reality is an approximation to her equations.
A mathematician thinks her equations are reality.
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Why was the math book sad?
Because it had too many problems.
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How many number theorists does it take to change a light bulb?
No one knows the exact number, but it's believed to be prime.
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What do you call an Eskimo's matching shirt and pants?
Polar coordinates.
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How many topologists does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but they’d rather knot.
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To be politically correct:
Transcendental numbers are polynomially challenged.
Manifolds are personifolds.
It isn’t a singularity, the function is convergently challenged.
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Granddaughter: Can you help me find the lowest common denominator for this problem?
Grandmother: Haven't they found it yet? They were looking for that when I was in school.
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Why did the computer scientist die in the shower?
Because he read the instructions on the shampoo bottle.
“ Lather, rinse, repeat “
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Why do computer scientists confuse christmas and halloween?
Because 31oct = 25dec.
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What is 666?
The number of the beast.
What is 668?
The number of the beast's next-door neighbor.
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Why did the circle and his brother the tangent line have such a happy childhood?
Because they made a point to share.
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A physicist and a mathematician are sitting in a faculty lounge. Suddenly, the coffee machine catches on fire. The physicist grabs a bucket and leaps towards the sink, fills the bucket with water and puts out the fire. The second day, the same two sit in the same lounge. Again, the coffee machine catches on fire. This time, the mathematician stands up, gets a bucket, hands the bucket to the physicist, thus reducing the problem to a previously solved one.
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What do you get when you divide the circumference of the moon by its diameter?
Pi in the sky.
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Polar bear: A rectangular bear after a coordinate transformation.
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What’s purple and commutes?
An abelian grape.
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Why did the chicken cross the road?
Albert Einstein: Do not worry about your trouble with chickens, I assure you that mine are greater.
Paul Erdos: It was forced to by the chicken-hole principle.
Kurt Godel: It can't be proven that the chicken crossed the road.
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Why did the mathematician name his dog “Cauchy”?
Because he leaves a residue at every pole.
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What's yellow and differentiable?
A bananalytic function.
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What do you call a teapot of boiling water on top of Mount Everest?
A high-pot-in-use.
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What would a logician pick given the choice between a salad and eternal bliss?
The salad, nothing is better than eternal bliss, and a salad is better than nothing.
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What do you get when you cross 50 female pigs and 50 male deer?
One hundred sows-and-bucks.
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Why did the chicken cross the moebius strip?
To get to the other . . . er, um . . .
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Corresponding angles: angles that write letters.
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What is the world’s longest song?
“Aleph-nought bottles of water on the wall“
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What do you get if you cross an elephant with a zebra?
elephant zebra sine theta
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What is green and homeomorphic to the open unit interval?
The real lime.
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What do you get when you cross a mountain climber and a mosquito?
Nothing, you can’t cross a scalar with a vector.
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Natural numbers are better for your health.
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Decimals have a point.
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Calculus has its limits.
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Euclidean Geometry is just plane fun.
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Can an English major learn trig?
Cosecant.
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Where the pessimist sees a half-closed interval,
the optimist sees a half-open interval.
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Horses may know how to add, but why shouldn't you try to teach them algebraic geometry?
You shouldn't put Descartes before the horse.
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There are 10 types of people in the world,
those who understand binary, and those who don’t.
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“5 out of 4 people have trouble with fractions.”
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Parallel lines have so much in common, it’s a shame they’ll never meet.
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I heard that parallel lines actually do meet, they're just very discrete.
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Love is never having to say you're sorry, statistics is never having to say you're certain.
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√-1 love math
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What did the mathematician say to his wife on Valentine's Day?
When you're away, my heart is like { }.
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Without geometry, life is pointless.
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Why was the number 7 upset with the number √2 ?
It was being irrational.
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The 60º angle of a right triangle: "You're acute angle."
The 30º angle of the same triangle: "Thank you for the complement."
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√ -1 2^3 ∑ π
. . . it was delicious
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Did you hear about the guy who is afraid of negatives?
He stops at nothing to avoid them.
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Kids complaining: We're freezing, this room is too cold.
Parent's reply: Try standing in one of the corners, they're all 90º.
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Why didn't Newton discover group theory?
He wasn't Abel.
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Why do truncated Maclaurin series fit the original function so well?
They are Taylor made.
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Old mathematicians never die, they just lose some of their functions.
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While on vacation in Texas, a cowboy came up to me and asked,
can you help me round up 18 cows?" I said, "sure, it's 20 cows."
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