WHAT IS RELATIONSHIP ABUSE?

Abuse in relationships can happen to anyone. It’s not normal, it’s never OK and definitely not part of a healthy relationship. It isn’t always physical, it can be emotional and sexual abuse too. If your relationship leaves you feeling scared, intimidated or controlled, it’s possible you’re in an abusive relationship.

If you’re experiencing abuse, or have done in the past, please remember that you’re not to blame and there are people who can help you here.

Is there ever an excuse for relationship abuse?

No there’s never an excuse for relationship abuse. Anger, jealousy, alcohol or wanting to protect the other person – none of these are excuses.

HOW TO SPOT RELATIONSHIP ABUSE

Some people think that relationship abuse is just about violence, or physically forcing somebody to do something they don’t want to – but that isn’t true. Abuse can be emotional and verbal, and could escalate to physical or sexual abuse. All types are serious and they’re never OK.

What is emotional abuse?

Some people use emotional abuse to control people. These signs can be more difficult to spot, but could include:

• Getting angry when you want to spend time with your friends

• Isolating you from friends and family

• Threatening to spread rumours about you

• Saying things like “If you loved me you would…”

• Putting you down all the time, using names like ‘frigid’ or ‘slut’ to control what you do, humiliate you and destroy your self-esteem

• Trying to control your life (telling you how to dress, who you hang out with and what you say)

• Threatening to harm you or to self–harm if you leave them

• Demanding to know where you are all the time

• Monitoring your calls and emails, threatening you if you don’t respond instantly

• Getting really angry, really quickly

• Using force during an argument

• Blaming others for their problems or feelings

• Being verbally abusive

• Using threatening behaviour towards others

• Pressuring you to send them nude pictures

If someone is lesbian, gay, bi or transgender and not ‘out’, their partner might threaten to ‘out’ them if they don’t do what they want.

What is physical abuse?

Some people use violence to force someone to do something or threaten to use it to control them. It could include:

• Hitting

• Punching

• Kicking

• Slapping

• Pushing someone against a wall and refusing to let them go

• Holding somebody down

What is sexual abuse?

Forcing someone to do any sexual acts they don’t want to is rape or sexual assault. This kind of abuse can happen in relationships.

If you recognise any of the signs of abuse in your own relationship, you can get help here.

EFFECTS AND CONSEQUENCES OF RELATIONSHIP ABUSE

Relationship abuse and controlling behaviour can have serious consequences for both the people being abused and those that are doing something wrong to their partners.

How can relationship abuse affect the person being abused?

Relationship abuse can destroy someone’s self-confidence, have a negative impact on their health and wellbeing and leave them feeling isolated, lonely or depressed.

What happens to the abusers?

Many abusive behaviours are illegal and can even carry a prison sentence. Criminal convictions can also stop people from doing certain jobs, and travelling abroad to certain countries. So it could seriously damage their future ambitions.

The social consequences of being labelled an abuser should not be underestimated and can be severe. It can have an effect on what people think about you and whether you can get a boyfriend or girlfriend. Would you want to be friends with somebody that was known as an abuser? Now imagine if that person were you.

ADVICE ON RELATIONSHIP ABUSE

An abusive relationship isn’t normal, it’s not OK, and if it’s happening to you, you’re not to blame for the abuse. It might feel like you’re alone, but you’re not – you deserve to be safe and help is available.

It is important to seek help, but if you’re experiencing abuse, you shouldn’t confront your abuser on your own. Instead speak to a trusted adult (family member, teacher, youth worker or the police) about what’s happening to you.

If someone you know is in an abusive relationship, you shouldn’t confront the abuser on your own either, but you can seek help on their behalf in a way that is safe for you and them.

You can speak to someone in confidence at any of these organisations here about abuse in relationships and how to get help – whatever your sexuality or gender identity. You can also speak to the police.

If you, or someone you know, is ever in immediate danger, call 999.

What if you’re a boy being abused by a girl?

If you’re a young man who’s experiencing abuse from your female partner then it may be especially hard for you to tell someone. Some people have told us they would feel less manly if someone knew they were being abused by a girl, or if their female partner threatened them with false allegations in order to keep them silent.

Talk to an adult you trust, it’s really important, or speak in confidence to the helplines specifically for men here.

What if you’re lesbian, gay, bi-sexual or transgender (LGB or T)?

If you’re lesbian, gay, bisexual or transgender, you can speak to organisations with people who understand what you are going through. You can also contact the Galop National LGBT Domestic Abuse helpline run by trained advisors.

I’m worried about a friend, what should I do?

It can be really worrying when someone you care about is being hurt or abused by their partner. The more supported your friend feels, the easier it could be for them to deal with what’s happening. It’s hard to understand when you’re not in that situation, so listen, don’t be critical and don’t pressure them to do something they’re not ready to do. As a friend, you can get advice on what to do by speaking to any of these organisations here.

I think I might be abusive, what should I do?

If you recognise the signs of an abusive relationship, and you’re hurting the one you love, it can be tough facing up to this, but you can stop and change your behaviour. Call the Respect phoneline here (link opens in a new tab) who are experts in talking to people who are abusing their partners.

Are you in a gang and worried about abuse?

Sometimes young people in gangs feel they don’t have choices and have to do what’s expected of them from other gang members, be it sexual or illegal.

If you’re in a gang and you’re being pressured or expected to engage in any activity you don’t want to do, seek help here or contact Childline here (link opens in a new tab) to speak to a trained advisor who understands the pressures of being involved in a gang.

If you or someone you know is having any issues involving Relationships or Consent please speak to any member of staff or the safeguarding team immediately.

Students have direct access to Relationships and Consent information, support and advice on our Student Services Site (please show the site to your learners and share the links)