WHAT IS CONSENT?

Consent means giving permission for something to happen or agreeing to do something and being comfortable with that decision. It doesn’t matter what gender you are, or whether you’re straight, gay or bisexual, if you’re planning to do anything sexual then both of you must give consent.

Consent has to be given freely and no one can be made to consent to something. It’s not consent if someone does something because they feel like they have to. You can also never assume that someone is giving consent – you have to be sure.

Consent is an essential part of healthy relationships and it’s really important to know what it is and the many ways to spot it. Both you and the person you’re with always need to consent before sex or any intimate activity.

If you want to do something sexual with your partner, the responsibility lies with you to check for consent, not with your partner to say ‘no’ if they don’t want to.

RECOGNISING CONSENT

Consent is an essential part of a healthy relationship, as it’s crucial to respect the other person’s wishes. It’s important to know how to recognise consent because you need to have it for everything sexual that you do together.

You need to take responsibility for seeking consent from your partner every time, as people can change their mind at any point, even during sex. Just because someone consented to something once, it still means you have to ask again as they could feel differently from last time. Also, consent to one sort of sexual activity does not mean consent to everything.

Talk to the other person and check if they’re happy.

Good communication is a really important part of a healthy relationship. You can read more about sex and relationships on the Rise Above site here (link opens in a new tab).

Body language

They may tell you verbally that they do or do not consent to sex or they may show you through their body language. Someone cannot assume another person is giving consent. Remember they don’t have to actually say the word ‘no’ and that they can communicate through body language just as much as speech.

If your partner seems tense, they may be nervous or frightened and are probably trying to hide how they feel.

They may stop kissing you, or not want to be touched or hugged.

These could be signs of non-consent, so don’t ignore them – check with the other person.

Being pressured to give consent

If somebody agrees to sexual activity because they’ve been pestered, intimidated, or faced physical or emotional threats, they have not given consent. Consent needs to be given freely.

Signs of being pressured to give consent can include:

• Being made to feel stupid or bad for saying ‘no’

• Being made to feel you have to.

• Someone might try to pressure you by calling you frigid or say ‘if you loved me you would . . .’

• Being encouraged to drink lots of alcohol or take drugs to make you more likely to have sex

• Making someone feel bad for changing their mind

• Someone might try to pressure you into something to ‘prove’ you are not lesbian, gay, bi, or transgender

Someone has to have capacity to give consent – what does this mean?

People have to be able to freely give their consent. So if someone’s unconscious, drunk or asleep, they cannot freely give consent. Someone may have consented to sex whilst awake, but if they then pass out or fall asleep before you’re finished, you have to stop. You can’t assume they want to carry on.

CONSEQUENCES OF NOT GIVING OR GETTING CONSENT

Pressuring someone to give consent

Pressuring someone into sex is either ‘rape’ or ‘sexual assault’, depending on who is involved and what happens. The consequences of both rape and sexual assault can be very serious for everyone involved.

Legal consequences can include a prison sentence or criminal record, and being put on the sex offender register.

Being pressured to give consent

Physical and emotional consequences can last a lifetime.

Read more about rape and sexual abuse here and the consequences of it.

Breaking the law

Consent is defined in law as “an agreement made by someone with the freedom and ability to decide something”. Under the law, it is the person seeking consent who is responsible for ensuring that these conditions are met.

Sex without consent is rape or sexual abuse. Also, if you are a man forcing someone to perform oral sex on you, this is still rape. What’s more, forcing someone into anal sex when they don’t want to, even if that person has consented to vaginal sex, is still rape.

In the UK, people must be over 16 to legally consent to sex and they must be able to make informed decisions for themselves. Read more about the definition of rape and sexual assault here.

ADVICE ON CONSENT

How do I make sure I’ve got consent? How do I know if someone isn’t giving consent?

Someone may confidently tell you upfront, or they may only show subtle body language that they’re uncomfortable with the situation. Make sure you talk to your partner and that you’re aware of the signs to spot around consent.

What can I do if my boyfriend or girlfriend wants me to do things that I’m not comfortable with?

If you don’t want to do something sexual or have sex, it’s absolutely OK to say or show that you don’t want to, and the other person should stop.

Talk to your friends or someone you trust if you feel you are being forced to take part in sexual activity you don’t want to. You can find details of organisations that can offer support here.

What should you do if you’re worried about a friend?

Sometimes your friends might not really understand consent or feel confident to seek it. If you hear them say things like “I didn’t really want to, but…” it may mean they are being pressured by someone. It might help to ask if they want to talk about it.

If you or someone you know is having any issues involving Relationships or Consent please speak to any member of staff or the safeguarding team immediately.

Students have direct access to Relationships and Consent information, support and advice on our Student Services Site (please show the site to your learners and share the links)