The most important decision you will ever make is what you believe about God. The second most important decision you will make is who, if anyone, you want to marry. These two decisions are woven together in a way that can wreck your faith, your marriage, and your sanity if you get them wrong.
The first thing that needs to happen, therefore, is deciding what you believe about God. Who is He? What does that mean for you? What are you going to do about that decision? If you cannot figure this out, then you have no business getting married and starting a family. From the perspective of a Christian, it is the father's responsibility to lead the family in a godly way. He is to model, to the best of his ability, the love of Christ in his life. The way he treats his wife shows what is expected from his sons when they have wives of their own. In the same way, the daughters watch their mother to learn their role in the household. Sons and daughters both watch their parents to learn what to expect and accept as proper behavior in a spouse. A wife's responsibilities are similar but different from the father's. She is to support and encourage her husband. In general, she is to let him lead the family and abide by his decisions.
These responsibilities are not trivial. If there is not agreement on who God is and what His expectations are, then there will be no peace within the house when the couple tries to make decisions. A ship has one pilot and a family has one head. If that head is not God, then there will be turmoil at some point. Get this one right from the beginning.
Be of the same faith and denomination. Understand why you believe as you do and explain it to each other. You need to be in agreement on this.
Go to church consistently and together. Get involved in the church. Get to know some of the people there and make connections. One thing that tears apart marriages is the feeling of isolation. Make friends that can be called on for social events and accountability.
Find mentors. An older, experienced couple, firmly established in their faith, can be worth their weight in gold. You are going to face hard times. There is no getting around that. Mentors can help guide you through these hard times because they have already been down many of the roads you will face. You may go seeking advice, or they may offer it when they see a need. You will not always like the advice, but you should stop and seriously consider it when offered.
Pray together. This is one that I wish I had done from the beginning. Take the time to talk to God together, out loud. This will do a number of things. It will remind both of you who the real leader of the family is (that is God, not one of you two). It will serve to focus both of you on what is important. When you are honest and open in your prayers, it will help both of you understand the concerns you each have so they can be addressed. It will help keep you humble. I could keep going on, but there are many verses in the Bible for that.
Tithe before budgeting. If you decide to tithe, then that portion of your wealth should be excluded from the budget from the beginning. It is not based on what is left over. You adjust your lifestyle to accommodate your giving.
There is an idea that sounds good on the surface but leads to problems down the line: "Marriage is 50/50." This seems like good reasoning until you ask about the other 50%. I say instead that marriage is 100/100. Each of you gives 100% all the time. Sometimes one of you will struggle and only be able to give 75% or even 25%. Those are the times when the other one steps in and covers the difference. This way of thinking avoids the trap of assigning blame for failing to live up to expectations. It is a give and take instead of an obligation. Circumstances will change over the years and, consequently, so will you and your spouse. Life is dynamic. Learn to accept the changes it throws your way. Don't think you can change your spouse. Like what you have when you commit to each other, then grow together as you experience life as a couple.
A marriage is a treasure and needs to be guarded. There need to be boundaries to prevent problems and failure.
Do Not cultivate opposite-sex friendships. There is no reason for a married woman to have lots of guy friends and vice versa. This is opening the door to infidelity.
Do Not spend time alone with the opposite sex. What starts as innocent may turn into something you never wanted to happen when there is no accountability. This is opening the door to infidelity.
Do Not deprive your spouse of sexual and physical intimacy. We all have needs and they must be met. Your body belongs to your spouse. Withholding yourself from your spouse opens the door to infidelity.
Do Not use sex as a bargaining piece, reward, or punishment. Sex is not something that is optional. It is part of what you agree to when you put on that ring.
DO have sex often. Have sex when you do not feel like it. Have sex when you are mad. Have sex when you are happy. Have sex when you are frustrated. HAVE SEX. It strengthens to bond between you. It releases tension and relieves anxiety. It is physically, emotionally, psychologically, and spiritually necessary and rewarding. HAVE SEX.
Relationship is not possible without communication. This is where many couples struggle. Men and women communicate differently. This causes many unwanted misunderstandings and much confusion.
Men are direct. Subtlety is difficult and undesirable to most men. Tell him exactly what you mean: no hints, no expecting mind-reading, no saying one thing while meaning another. He will greatly appreciate this. It will feel honest to him. At the same time, when he tells you something, do not read more into what he said than the words he spoke. Again, most men are direct and unsubtle. Take what he says at face value.
Women communicate differently. While a man may get right to the point or destination, women need to describe the journey to get there. If you care about your wife, then give her your attention and listen - really listen - to what she is saying. Try to understand why she is saying these things to you. There is a good probability you are not being asked or expected to fix it. She might just need you to truly listen.
Relationships die when they grow distant. Find ways to spend intimate time together. You need to have focused attention from each other without the distractions of kids and work. Go out on a date once a week. Spend time talking to each other. Before she was your wife, she was your girlfriend. Before he was your kid's dad, he was your boyfriend. Keep that spark lit and that fire burning.
Money has a way of amplifying problems in a marriage. Priorities for one might not match the priorities of the other. Denying your personal preferences for the good of the family is hard. It is especially hard in a traditional family on the husband. He feels the burden of providing for his family. It is his responsibility to put food on the table and keep a roof over their heads. A good man will sacrifice his own desires and work himself ragged to accomplish this. When there is disagreement over how to spend the money, it falls on him to make the final decision. Don't make it harder on him by making selfish demands on the family money. The traditional wife also has a hard time. Many times, she will be the one that sees when there is a need to step away from the job and spend more time with the family. Listen to her. Money is not everything. Allow for fun in the budget. As a general rule, keep expenses to less than 70% of your take-home income (remember the tithe) and do not go into unnecessary debt.
Children are the natural consequence of physical intimacy. They are a blessing from God even though they can complicate your life. Life is a gift from God. Do not use abortion to escape the consequences of intimacy. Wait until you are married to start having sex. Discuss the possibility of children before getting married. Be open and honest. Be in agreement on this from the beginning because it is not fair to either of you when expectations are not met later on.
Finally, all marriages end. Unless our Lord returns while we are alive, there are only two possibilities: either one of you dies, or you get a divorce. The government already has rules in place to say what happens in both cases, but these are not , generally speaking, the best options. The government can change the rules overnight and without your consent. Therefore, it is wiser to plan ahead and write your own rules.
While you are both still thinking clearly, sit down with an attorney and:
Write and sign a prenuptial agreement that you both agree on and is fair.
Write a will in case of your death.
These two things will save you a headache and help get you through a period of having a broken heart.
-- Dad