Short people disappearing at MC 

It’s been a worrying few weeks at Mount Carmel since December started. Slowly, the smaller people of our community have been disappearing, and many believe it's due to the recall of elves that Saint Nick issued recently. 

The Archdiocese of Chicago informed the Catholic League in early December that the fat man in the red coat would be bringing his elves back to the North Pole, but not many realized what a profound impact it would have on the MC student body in particular. With the average height of the new freshman class being near 5’1, these “elves” are the perfect size for Santa. Nearly half of the class of ‘27 is gone, along with a few other notable students like sophomore Dom De Luca. 

Freshman Nate Killeen is also missing. His regular classroom energy and excitement is gone, and many of his classmates have reported being a lot less happy. “He would often bring in spaghetti and maple syrup for lunch,” his fellow freshman Aaron Hyler said“Yeah, he really was the life of the party here, and not having him around is a little worrying.” A few days after speaking with The Merchant, however, Hyler also went missing. 

In the junior and senior classes, Luca DeRosa ‘25 and Louie Chappetto ‘24 are also gone. Without DeRosa playing Caravan Man, the winter sports pep rally most likely will be delayed, and the Student Council has been particularly worried without their president, Chappetto. Even though he’s never been heard on the daily announcements, at least knowing he’s around is comforting to them. The Student Council has decided to boycott Christmas until they get their beloved leader back. 

Protests have begun surrounding the beloved birth of Jesus now that many upstanding members of the school are missing. “The football banquet just wasn’t the same without our star kicker, Louie,” said junior James McCormac, “and not seeing Turbo (Alonzo Manning ‘24) at any of the tables was disturbing, too. I would think he could outrun Santa.” 

However, while many do miss them, other larger students like Angelo Ciaravino ‘24, Rylan Breen ‘24, and Braeden Jones ‘26 are happy with the extra hall space that the “little kids” have stopped taking up. “I can finally make it to class on time with all this extra space, and I don’t even have to use my battering ram!” Ciaravino commented. 

Any doubt left behind in the student body’s mind of this all just being one big misunderstanding disappeared when their beloved gym teacher, Alex Tsirtsis, went missing. Many people were shocked at his loss, most especially the wrestling team. “With Kavel Moore missing, we already have a problem,” said junior wrestler Jairo Acuna. “Now that Coach is gone too, I’m not sure what we’re going to do.” It seems like we’re going to just have to rely on Coach Mulay, and since most of the JV team disappeared too, he’ll definitely have enough time for us.” 

Many members of the JV team were gone in the following days, and Coach Mulay’s schedule became wide open. However, regardless of who will be coaching for the next few weeks, there is a lot of worry for Mr. Tsirtsis and how he’ll fare in Santa’s workshop. 

“It’s frightening, really. I never could have seen this coming. And here I thought Mr. Tabernacki told all of us that Santa wasn’t real. If he’s not, where are they all going? And how many more will be needed to take over while Santa recovers?” sophomore writer for The Merchant and large person Adam Stanislawksi commented. “I hope they come back soon.”

Whatever horrible machinations Father Christmas has for the tiny members of the Caravan community this winter, we can rest assured that come January they should be back, safe and sound. 

Editor's Note: The author of this article, Leonard Siegal, has also been reported missing as of 12/20/23. Please contact the local authorities or The Merchant if you have any info on his whereabouts.