My Mental Illness & the Existence of God

TITLE: My Mental Illness & the Existence of God 

SUBTITLE:  I Coherently & Concisely Explain My Mental Illness & Intelligently Contemplate the Existence of God

INRTO

In one hot take video, I explain two incredibly complex and important topics. I coherently and concisely explain my mental illness, its origins, It's real physiological, and psychological real life consequences and how it has affected my life and brought me to area today. 

I also intelligently and comprehensively discuss the existence of God. as i am Intelligent and conscientiously awareness of my own human condition and mental disorder, example in relation to other people. And i am aware of the value of meaning and purpose, and posterity in the future. 

I tackle these 2 topics, because they are perhaps the most important yet existential and consequential subject matter in the universe. That that is whether or not, God actually exists. the very existence of God. But how we can relate to him. The complex existence of God. Because these 2 topics are so complex, it take a little while to explain everything. so here we god

PART 1: MY MENTAL ILLNESS

Alright, I have a couple thoughts that I need to just get down, for the record, or I mean really for myself maybe to watch in the future. 

Not that anybody ever watches my videos or I'll make this, I probably won't even make this public, but I have some a couple of intense thoughts I need to get out there. I'm currently having a hypomania episode.  It disturbs me too a couple of years ago when I was diagnosed with bipolar.  It didn't even make sense at the moment.  But now that I live alone, I've had time to observe myself. 

I recognize the cycles now. It's just part of... part of my physiology at this point. Like many mental illnesses, you know, it was caused by something. And, you know, it's taken me my whole life to, I guess, figure it out or come to terms with, you know, what's wrong with me? 

I mean, you know, I look normal and I can act normal sometimes, but... I don't know.  I'm just... I'm very neurotic. and I don't have any interest in like ordinary things. You know I I do what's important to me to the extremes, which the only thing that's important to me in my whole life, I would say, would have been the pursuit of knowledge.

I am highly conscientious. So I am aware of my own problems in comparison to quote unquote normal people. So I have... gosh, when I say I do things to the extreme, you know, I spend my energy and time doing activities that I find you know highly valuable. 

For example, the intense pursuit of knowledge and wisdom. And I guess the only reason that has become... it's always been important to me. I've always been a studier. 

I would find a topic and just exhaustedly research it. And so I spend my time thinking about and contemplating you know ideas and concepts of the highest magnitude or the highest order of complexity and value. which is why I have pursued so many different things. I mean science, philosophy, and of course theology.  To be completely honest, and I have, I'm going to make a point about theology in a moment, a very important point, but I've been obsessed with obsessed with theology and the reason for that is because if God is real then God is the most important, you know, thing in the universe. 

Um, all right, I'll talk about that more in a moment. Anyways, I want to talk about my mental illness first. I have always been let's say highly disturbed my entire life. Like, I don't ever remember a point in my life where I was truly happy or content or at peace. And the point I'm trying to make is many mental illnesses do have a cause. 

And sadly a lot of mental illness, the cause is trauma or traumatic events that have happened to you in your life. Unfortunately, us as humans, we are highly susceptible to things like PTSD. 

If you experience an event so scary or complex post-traumatic stress disorder, which is many events and not just one, umm as humans, because you know we have an animal brain and basically an animal body, and we're wired that if you experience something really scary, then like if your life is in jeopardy, then you know you're going to forget everything that's not important you know to to survive, to survive the threats. 

And some of the symptoms of PTSD, for example, are you know, being hypervigilant and overreacting to fear or a stimulus that's not actually there. 

Now I tell people often that the cause of my trauma, because I'm a disabled veteran, was going to war. which is true, although there's a caveat to that.  At least I think that's probably the coolest way to receive trauma, like because it's something you know voluntary and honorable and difficult and it's a worthy thing to do is to go to war for your country, to serve your country. It's a difficult thing to do. 

Now what I mean by I've never really been content or felt happy or safe or comfortable.  I can't remember ever a time in my life.  Like I was a real oddball in high school. I started to bloom a little bit in undergraduate college, but by the time I graduated, graduated from SUNY Albany in 2007, at that point I recognized, wait a minute, I've never been happy in my life. 

There's something seriously wrong with me.  It was so distressing that, you know, I was looking for a way out. Honestly, that's the reason I volunteered to go to war. Was because I thought it would be an honorable way out of the misery of life. 

For me, the struggle of living with mental disorders. But, there's a logical process I'm getting to here. So, I wasn't well after college, I wasn't well in high school, so I've never been well. 

Now it's not because I'm unhealthy, it's because, you know, I feel like my brain doesn't work sometimes or it doesn't work, it doesn't function completely normal and and the one thing I am is intelligent which is why I pursue philosophy and science and theology. 

Well, theology is to try to save myself.  To Find answers.  And I'm getting to that point, but... 

So this means, if I wasn't well in college or well in high school, and I've never been well since then, Like, of course, I've told my story before, but you know I wound up homeless after returning from war, from Afghanistan, and I was vulnerable and I foolishly got into a reckless marriage, not taking the time to make sure it was the right thing to do and so I, you know, I found another broken person. 

Of course, I like saying that you attract a mirror to yourself. So I was a messed up person and normal people aren't attracted to messed up people so of course I could only find another messed up person. 

Although back then I wasn't as messed up as I am now. Or at least maybe not even aware of it. I mean, it's taken me 40 years to become highly conscientious. 

I don't think I've always been. And to some degree, I'm not even aware of my own actions because something in me is not working correctly. 

And I have...  Well, I have a good theory as to what it is. And sadly, it's childhood trauma. and I can't even tell you specifically what it is because it was likely many different things. So my nervous system got screwed up as a child. It sent me into hyper-overdrive, which made me neurotic and weird and... so it's taken me a while to adjust and. I mean...

The bad marriage really screwed up my life 'cause God knows I needed like a fucking healthy partner, a loving partner, and I would have thrived. I would have thrived because the mental illness challenges I have are specific to me and they could be overcome if I had, you know, some support or positive outside stimulus like a good relationship. 

So, I have angst against God, and I'm talking about that in a moment, because of the bad marriage because it's just... Well, alright, I'll talk about that in a moment, but um, yeah, my... there's something wrong with my system because it got screwed up as a child and Well, it never got fixed. 

In fact, you know, my solutions was instead of, I don't know, I suppose I could have done something else, but you know, my solution, my two big things, other than pursuing education, of course, because that's something I am actually comfortable with and very good at. 

The two big decisions were were to join the military and afterwards, when I was vulnerable to get married, Of course, I got married because I had faith that God arranged you know you know for me to get married. I wanted to be married. I have a lot to offer, you know but I need I need very moderate support. 

and most of the support I need is encouragement or and living alone being left to my own devices is rough really rough and it's the only thing I have angst against God for if I should be married I feel like I've completely failed at life to be honest with you like what have I accomplished I mean going to war is really the only I mean, it's one of my biggest achievements. You know, I failed marriage. I failed to have children, which was... 

that's another thing I had angst against God for, because despite my mental problems, or the messed up nervous system that that I have, you know, I'm extremely kind and loving and attentive to the needs of others, so I would have been a fantastic parent, and so yeah I'm quite angry at God for that. It got through. I'm going to talk about that in just one moment, but let me just finish this one thought here. 

The reason I'm talking about my mental illness and the cause, my my theory for the cause, is because right now I'm having some serious issues. Bipolar is a result of trauma, I think. 

If I had had a healthy healthier life, not to mention you know going to war and having a traumatic marriage, Like, what I mean is I can I can think, sort of, sometimes, but but my body, being a you know chemical animal, basically, the chemicals are all off. The nervous system doesn't work right. 

The nervous system, like my whole life I've always been super on guard, and I, you know, it took me a long time to realize that's not normal, and the only explanation for that is trauma.

PTSD as a coping mechanism that's what a lot of mental illnesses are they're coping mechanisms to your your brain telling you that you're constantly in danger or you know so it's a survival mechanism so the system is actually working correctly if I was actually had like a near-death experience and had to survive like if I was an animal in the wildand you know a lion's running at me, you get one chance to not get eaten. 

So it's better to be on high alert the rest of your life than to get eaten. And my problem is I'm still on high alert and again at least I have something cool to say. 

Like you know the main cause is going to war. The only reason I went to war was because I was I was already messed up. 

Like it takes a messed up kind of person to want to go to war. I mean some people do it for honorable reasons. 

You know and then there's you know sickos that do it to actually kill people. They get enjoyment out of that. And then there's you know people like me that did it for... 

i mean I did it for a lot of reasons and... but one of them was to not survive and so, you know, I have thanked God for allowing me to survive because I... it was war. 

I was in a war zone.  But honestly, I wasn't scared at all because I've always been on high alert and ready for war, so it made sense to me to go to war. 

Alright maybe I'll talk more about that later but here's the other big thing I wanted to talk about I keep talking about God and I I mentioned my obsession with theology at one point like it was it was an obsession and the obsession was you know is God real yeah I so desperately want him to be real I want Christianity to be real because it fulfills a lot of a lot of needs. Like I want to be loved. 

PART 2: GOD'S EXSISTENCE

here is the rest:

I want to be saved. I want to be healed. I want to be prosperous.  But again I feel like I failed at life. I mean I failed to have children.  I failed to procreate as as an animal that's really your only purpose.  And I mean I'm 40 so it's still possible but I feel like I'm too old.

I don't want to be 60 you know when my kids are 20 if I had kids now and I mean it's going to take years and years and years before I could well be ready to start dating and then and then go through the dating process which you get a lot of false positives so to speak.  You know you have to go through a number of people to find the right one and then when you find the right one you have to. I'm not I'm not getting married to anybody you know without at least dating them for a year or more.  That's the proper way to do it I think.  I don't know.  It's a healthier way to do it. 

I got married my first time in I think three of meeting somebody, meeting another crazy brew comparison, oh my God. So my obsession with theology was I guess I am highly intelligent and and conscientious so what's the most important thing and that would be God because if God's real then I mean if God's real then really you got nothing to worry about.  I mean I guess if God's not real and you die and  nothing matters. I mean if I died right now I don't have really anybody in my life that would that would really be impacted.

I mean a couple people maybe would be sad for a little bit but um that's why I say I feel like I failed at life and Part of the reason I fail at life is because, you know, my my system has never been healthy. I've always Man, you have no idea how stressful it is to be on high alert all the time. You know, if I was, if I wasn't messed up, I would have made way better decisions. The decisions I made were because I was messed up. And here I find myself you know assessing about theology and philosophy and science yet I can't even solve like simple things.

But it's not it's not my fault because you know I choose to screw up my nervous system before I had a chance to you know develop correctly. I t's not my fault Neither are any of the decisions I made after after that. I mean,  You know, of course I take responsibility to some degree, but

So my obsession, so instead of doing normal things, like normal people, like relax, or do more mundane things, you know, I have, when I say obsessed, I mean, you know, I listen to sermons and... I guess anti-sermons or debates I like I love listening to debates between um atheists agnostics and theists or believers and here's my main point about God as I don't have confidence in faith anymore II did take faith on as you're supposed to you know when I became a Christian when I got married you know I got married to another Christian woman and I believed that you know God was involved in her life so everything would have been ok but of course it didn't work out you know and now here I am barely functioning normally and obsessing about theology and philosophy and you know intangible things about the universe that don't have any impact on anything instead of you know doing normal things.

I mean this is partly the reason I'm a 100% disabled veteran now and if it wasn't for that I I don't know what I would be doing. I probably wouldn't have survived.

So maybe maybe this is all part of God's crazy plan for me was to go to war and now at least I survived and you know the best thing about me having gone to war is now I'm a disabled veteran and so now I because I can't do normal things and I'm obsessed about things I'm saying that are important to me like philosophy but you know it doesn't really have any impact on you know normal everyday life. except... this issue of God!  Because it's so important!  It's definitely the single most important thing!  Like, this question of whether God is or is not even real.

Because if He's not real, then I can't have a personal relationship with Him. And, I can't expect any divine intervention. that we really are in a naturalistic deterministic universe that you know it's just made of particles and evolution and it's just you know there is no guiding force behind it which to me it's a sad if that's true then that's a sad reality because then I can't help but project into the future that just nothing matters if if there is no God.

Now One reason I think a lot of people are attracted to Christianity is well a lot of reasons they recognize that they're sinners which is how Christianity puts it or broken people and you know they need love they need restoration and of course salvation and wisdom and guidance you know and to have somebody on the other end of the prayer line when I'm praying that somebody's actually listening I'm not just a madman talking to myself. Which if God's not real, then then really all the people that do believe in God and pray are are being foolish or you know, they're delusional, which there's a lot of arguments for that. There's a lot of arguments for God.

Here's the confusing thing is I took it on faith, okay? but the existence of the single most important thing in the universe being not answerable is beyond confusing because I genuinely sought after God. Like, I I surrendered, I was humble, um, you know, I followed all the rules, you know, or I did the best I could. and you know look where it's gotten me. 

I've accomplished nothing in my life I feel like I've completely failed especially at the single most important thing which I wanted to have children when I was younger like I haven't accomplished anything like I make no impact on the universe whatsoever at this point I mean there's still I mean this could be God's mysterious plan for me or His plan could be being mysterious which is beyond confusing because if it's the most important thing, it shouldn't be mysterious.

And I genuinely sought after God and found nothing.  Like in my personal experience and my personal relationship with God. And that's disappointing.

But again I mean here's the ultimate conclusion is I mean nothing I do really matters or nothing anybody does really matters because no matter what if God's real then you're going to be living out the God's perfect plan for you no matter what you can't escape your you know your fate and if God's not real then you know you're just an animal that's going to die someday and at that point nothing matters. A lot of people, one reason that a lot of people like Christianity is because, you know, they aren't even afraid of death because death is just one stage.

You're happy because you know you get to go to heaven and be with God which sounds pretty fantastic and that opposed, that as opposed to you know just ceasing to exist, yeah that kind of sucks.

So, In my heart, I I want God to be real, but I'm beyond confused by his mysterious divine absence in my life.

I mean, maybe he saved me in war, but him giving me the bad wife that claimed to be a Christian, you know, him allowing me to have super, super trauma when I was a child, which screwed up my system, you know the combination there is pretty unfortunate. I mean the only good thing that came out of this was at least I got benefits from you know the VA you know for joining the military. I mean that's the only thing I've done in my life that mattered. Sadly that war didn't even matter. Stupid war, didn't have any purpose really. but you know what is national defense?

It's going to war and sometimes it's for a good cause sometimes it's not but anyways my my final point here is um I have found some peace because I guess I am firmly agnostic um because I have genuinely thought you know and I took it on faith for more than ten years and and um faith doesn't make sense. What does make sense to me is science because it's based on evidence and facts and you know a process and it's not faith. It's the opposite of faith. And why is the single most important thing you're supposed to take without evidence.

Like why can't God give me at least some vision or something or some little bit of evidence or you know something.

Give me a premonition in my heart that you feel. Well I guess he has because the hopeful part, the reason that as an agnostic I have found some peace is because no matter what when I die, which could come at any time, it could come tomorrow or 50 years from now, if there is no God then I'm just going to wither away into nothing like everybody else and nothing you can do about it if that's reality but if God is real then then even though I doubt God's existence you know he'll judge me perfectly and so I know I'm saved I'm saved even though I doubt God's even real because if God is real perfect love will forgive and love me.

Right now I doubt even the existence of love in the universe but my point is no matter what, you know all the sinning that I do because my brain doesn't work correctly, you know my drives, you know my primal drives are completely out of whack and all because, you know, the broken nervous system.

So that's not my fault so I'll be judged perfectly and so I'll be forgiven for having doubt. 

One really, really interesting thing about Christian theology specifically is, in one part of the New Testament Jesus says, God will forgive you for everything.

 The one exception of blasphemy against the Holy Spirit. I remember when I first heard that, yeah you know whoa, that's a scary idea, like what does that even mean?

And it doesn't mean literally blaspheming, like the Holy Spirit, like saying, Holy Spirit, you're not real. It's not that, it's in your heart if you reject God. You know, there are a lot of people that reject God. God will give that to them in eternity, which is Hell. It's the part of the universe without God. It's that scary! 

But, I can confidently say I'm definitely not going to go to Hell because in my heart I believe I have the Holy Spirit with me, even though I don't believe in God the Father at all. I think He's a make-believe character. 

But the Holy Spirit, if it's like an essence to be kind, or loving, you know despite your problems and that's what I am and and I guess no matter how bad things get you know I mean I can curse God all day long but you know in my heart I still want Him to be real that that's the better option than just you know disappearing into nothingness. 

But you know even if God is real then like I still is out of my control, whatever it is, whether it's real or not, the ultimate destination of our souls, or souls even a thing, you know is the biggest mystery in the universe still.

But why is God's existence, why didn't He just make it like like provable? And the fact that He hasn't made it provable kind of logically makes sense that there just is no God, and God is a human construct of you know because there's a lot of survival throughout history you know religion and faith and all of that humans trying to figure it all out has had a you know evolutionary benefit perhaps to you know if you have faith then you know you're maybe you're more likely to survive but maybe in modern day science has...

Okay, so those are the two big things. My brain's messed up, I feel like I failed at life and I can't even figure out if God's real or not.

Umm So I guess at the end of the day I'm firmly agnostic but I'm still going to act and I'm going to act as if God is real and perhaps that is because the Holy Spirit if that's real that that is within me and that you know like guides me to be kind and loving and you know let me tell you I'm the kind of person that should not have gone to war um I'm actually completely anti-war violence or killing of all kinds so it's bizarre that I made that decision to go to war but you know again I explained I was just to find a way out and so the only the only other explanation is that God has some good reason for remaining mysterious and hidden.

Even hidden from... Like why stay hidden from me? Like why stay hidden from the faithful believers? You know I was willing and I still am willing it's just I've examined it all and faith does not make sense. Faith is something that you have to have in the absence of evidence.

The only thing I'm going on is this notion that you know if God's real then you know there is some mystery perfect plan for me like I was supposed to go through all that to to actually accomplish something and do something purposeful which I have not done yet and you know if I die tomorrow then really you know but God will judge me perfectly as if I had accomplished something but if he had just given me a better partner then I would have accomplished a lot more.

Like that would have helped heal me. Like being alone you know I obsess about philosophy instead of taking care of my health. That's what I mean by I'm highly neurotic and not interested in normal things like normal people.

Like normal people are able to relax even if they are Christian you know they think about the theology and they either accept it or reject it.

instead I just can't figure it out even though I've you know done all the research I mean I've researched every single religion I've heard every single argument for and against the existence of God probably a hundred times I've heard every argument that's how much I go over this stuff and you know I tend to side with the atheist but I hope the the believers are That's a correct one.

So, wow, that took a long time to explain, but I think I just explained everything pretty coherently, I think. Um Again, I'm super intelligent but I can't even save myself. That's why I tried to lean on God to help save me. At this point the mysterious plan is um you're on your own kid.

Calvary's not coming. I'll make the best of it. I am planning on going back to school. I want to be a doctor. A doctor of psychiatric medicine and and again it's a little selfish because I'm trying to figure out how to heal myself and you know I got to go to medical medical school and then actually I'll be taking better care of my health if I'm aware of it I'm just not even aware of it because I spend all my time in philosophy instead of...

so I'm going back to school that's God's purpose for me maybe you know I'll end up helping people someday because right now I haven't really contributed to anybody's life really alright anyways I love you if anyone listens please leave me a comment. Let me know that you heard me and that I'm not just crazy talk here.

I think everything I said that makes sense to me seems logical and coherent and pretty thought out. Alright, anyways, God bless you.

AND THEN SUMMARIZE your incredible response, SUMMARY AND KINDNESS, WISDOM AND ANSWERS to the 1ST and 2nd part IN AN AFTERWARDS/ CONCLUSIONS

 your reply was incredibly kind and thoughtful, and powerful. 

It actually made me weep for like an hour... 

THANK YOU FOR HEARING ME. YOUR REPLY WAS SO KIND AND INTELLIGENT, AND ENCOURING.