There’s something I’ve been struggling to face—something so disturbing that even acknowledging it feels like standing on thin ice. It’s a symptom I’ve been aware of in fragments, but only recently have I begun to see the full shape of it: I live with dissociation.
I’ve always known I have complex PTSD. Over time, that developed into bipolar disorder, which was hard enough to accept. At least with bipolar disorder, I can understand the framework—the swinging pendulum between depression and mania. But dissociation? That’s something else entirely. It’s more slippery, more terrifying, and harder to explain.
Dissociation, for me, means I spend an alarming portion of my life disconnected from reality—almost as if my mind leaves my body while I continue to function on autopilot. I can’t say for sure how often it happens. Maybe 25% of the time. Maybe 50%. It’s hard to measure when the very nature of the symptom is forgetting that it happened.
What I know is this: I can go through entire stretches of time, doing things, saying things, living my life—only to later look back at my journal and realize I have no memory of it. It’s not a memory problem. My memory works fine when I’m present. It’s a trauma problem, a coping mechanism that shuts off awareness when life feels too painful to process.
It’s like blacking out without alcohol or drugs. I’m conscious in the moment, but later it’s as if my mind has wiped the tape clean. Sometimes I wonder: What did I do last week? Where did I go? Did I say something I regret?
I want to be clear—I’m not doing anything dangerous, illegal, or harmful to others during these episodes. At least, I don’t think I am. That’s the terrifying part. I can’t account for all my time. I don’t have control when my mind decides to pull the plug.
Dissociation is my brain’s twisted way of trying to protect me, to shield me from pain. It’s not as severe as Dissociative Identity Disorder (what people used to call multiple personality disorder), but it’s on the same spectrum. I don’t have alternate personalities. Instead, I just... vanish for a while, mentally.
If it weren’t for my journals, I might not even know this is happening. Sometimes I reread what I’ve written, and it scares me. I don’t even recognize the person on those pages. My instinct is to burn the pages, to erase all evidence. But that would only deepen the denial.
I know where this started: childhood trauma. Severe, unaddressed, and untreated. I was broken young, and I never got to experience what a “normal” childhood feels like.
That damage followed me into adulthood, even though I didn’t fully realize it until around 2013.
Trauma compounds over time, especially when it’s ignored. By the time I joined the Marine Corps, I was already deeply wounded. Afghanistan only made things worse. When I came home, I was a different person—disoriented, angry, and drowning in confusion.
Then I made one of the worst decisions of my life: I married someone abusive. It was like throwing gasoline on an already burning fire. That marriage didn’t just hurt me—it shattered what little trust I had left in people. Since then, my ability to connect with others has been nearly destroyed.
I talk a lot about how I don’t feel loved, and dissociation has made this worse. If I can’t even stay grounded in my own body, how am I supposed to connect with another human being? I don’t trust anyone—not my family, not friends (if I can call them that), not even myself.
And without trust, love is impossible. Relationships are impossible. I’ve resigned myself to being alone, but that loneliness only feeds the dissociation. When you spend too much time in isolation, there’s no one to reflect reality back at you. No one to pull you out when you start slipping.
There’s no easy cure for what I have. Sure, therapy can help. Medication can dull the edges of bipolar disorder. But dissociation is harder to treat because half the time I don’t even realize it’s happening. It’s like trying to fight a ghost.
The only thing that might help would be real support—a stable, loving presence in my life. Family. Close friends. A partner. But I have none of that, and I don’t see how I ever will. I’m too closed off, too wounded, too mistrustful. I feel like I’ve been permanently cut off from the normal flow of human connection.
Looking back, I can’t remember a single time in my life when I felt truly happy, content, or loved. Not once. That’s a painful thing to admit. Most of the time, I feel like I’m just surviving, not living.
When I have moments of hypomania, I feel almost “normal.” Productive. Energized. Alive. But it’s not real—it’s a high, a temporary reprieve from the constant depression. It always crashes.
Dissociation is my mind’s way of giving me a break, but it’s not a healthy one. It robs me of my own life. It steals my time. It makes me fear myself.
The scariest part of all this is the thought that I could spiral beyond control. I could make a mistake, get hurt, or simply waste away, and no one would notice until it’s too late. I’ve already been homeless. I’ve already lost everything once. I don’t want to go back there.
And yet, here I am, alone in an apartment, writing these words to stay tethered to reality. Journaling is my last line of defense against vanishing completely.
I don’t share this for pity. I share it because awareness is the only weapon I have. If I can name the monster, maybe I can fight it—or at least survive it. But I can’t do it alone. None of us can.
Dissociation video 2
Hi there.
I have something rather troubling I want to talk about before...
Honestly, before I forget about it.
It's a rather disturbing symptom.
I've discovered that I have...
Umm So I have a multitude of problems, mental health problems, physical problems.
So obviously I have complex PTSD.
And it has, for me, it's developed into bipolar disorder, which is troubling enough, but but that's understandable, or it's graspable.
I can at least comprehend bipolar disorder.
It's taken me a long time, butYou know, my other disturbing symptoms are I have tremendous difficulty eating and sleeping, which are obviously incredible basic functions of life.
And yeah, if you can't do those two things, that will screw up a lot of other things, but.
Here's a really disturbing symptom I've discovered that I have, and I guess I've kind of known about it for a while.
Maybe it's part denial, maybe it's part, um, just not being fully conscientious enough.
But I have serious disassociation symptoms, which is really quite terrifying.
It's it's so terrifying that when I think about it, it's it's so.
troubling and disturbing that I frankly don't even want to address it or think about it.
And And so that makes the problem go away right away.
But the the fact of the matter remains.
I have...
I spend a lot of my time in just disassociating fromthe real world and my life.
Honestly, this explains quite a lot.
And how I've come to discover this, really, is I've been taking a lot of notes and journals andBut then when I go back and look at them later, and you know I look at you know a written record that I wrote about some of my behavior, and it's honestly so scary that I immediately, like, don't even want to think about that at all.
Let's dive into this a little bit deeper.
I don't know exactly how much of my time, you know, per day or per week that I disassociate.
Could be 25% of the time, could be 50% of the time.
I'm not even really sure.
So.
When I disassociate, I often can't even remember a lot of the activities that I do.
And this isn't a memory problem, because I have a perfectly functioning memory.
This is a trauma problem of some sort.
It's some sort ofLike defense mechanism to deal with trauma and the pain and the suffering.
And now it's not as bad as DID disassociative identity disorder.
That's the classic multiple personality disorder that when people have.
Really extreme trauma.
Usually in their childhood they their brain develops these different characters in order to just deal with, you know, how scary life is.
So I don't have that one cause I I think in that case sometimes they're not even aware of the different personalities or whatnot.
I don't have multiple personalities and it's not even that I can't like physically remember the stuff.
It's that I guess I don't want to deal with it.
I don't even want to think about it.
And so poof just disappears from my consciousness and if it wasn't for my journals and records.
I wouldn't even be aware.
Which, that's the thing that really scares me, and that's what makes this tremendously dangerous for me.
Because I spend virtually all of my time alone, and I mean, it's it's like similar to like blacking out, and I'm just not even aware oflike later being aware of what I was doing.
Wow, this is really troubling to explain.
Now, I want to be clear, I don't do anything like like really dangerous, I don't do anything illegal.
You know, I don't hurt people or I don't commit crimes.
that I know of.
I mean, I I don't really know the extent of this.
Like, I I can't account for all of the things I did last week because a good portion of my time is spent disassociating from my reality and, you know, it's clearly a...
defense mechanism of some kind that, you know, it's obviously not beneficial.
It's not particularly helping me.
It's not something that I choose to do, of course.
It'sAnd you know, as tomorrow, I'm not even going to want to think of this issue, which, that's what makes this symptom so freaking terrifying.
And I wouldn't even be aware of it if, like, and it's only the last like couple of months that I've really taken extensive, like, like journals andRecords of like some of the things I do and so it's like as if I'm I'm doing things and you know, I am conscious, but then I immediately like just block it out and forget about it and that's really scary.
It's like there's a second person living inside of me that is.
Takes over so that way, you know, I don't have to deal with the suffering quite as much.
But yeah, I don't have really any control over this other personality or this other Oh my God, I I don't even know how to explain this to.
To somebody other than how I'm trying to explain it now, you know, and I want more than anything to just forget about this and like pretend it's not real.
But it is real and it and it's it's a real symptom of all of the complex mental disorders that I have, which.
Have fully reached the level of a rather critical and fatal disease, like like bipolar for example.
I wasn't born with it.
It's something that I acquired through my environment and it's a response to.
Suffering and trauma, that's really messed up.
You know, I've here's another really difficult issue for me to accept and grapple with is I can't remember a single time in my life that I was happy.
And content and at peace.
And I felt loved, truly loved.
I don't think I've ever felt truly loved, which is why I frequently talk about how I don't feel loved and how I don't trust anybody.
And so it's just getting worse, like.
There's there's really no cure for something like this, like and and there's not even really any effective treatments for such a thing with, you know, the the bipolar and disassociation.
Like, I can't even recall it well enough to, you know, explain it to a doctor.
And it's not like a doctor could do anything about it either.
Just like it.
Like there's nobody in the world that can really cure my my my trust issues.
And you know, sadly, you know, because I don't really see myself ever trusting anybody ever again, that really closes my options for.
You know, finding love again.
You know, not to mention, I don't even know...
how to, like...
how to interact with other people in a normal way anymore.
And I wasn't always like this.
Well, it wasn't always this bad, but the really tragic, sad fact is I do recall being tremendously disturbed as a child, which was, you know, a really terrible start to life 'cause I, you know, I never, never in my life have I got to feel normal.
I wasYou know, severely screwed up at such a young age.
And then here's another really weird fact is that I wasn't even aware.
How messed up I was until probably about 2013 or so is when I really first discovered that I had severe childhood trauma.
And it took me a long time to realize, like, how does something that happened so long ago have any impact?
Like 30 years ago?
How does that have an impact today?
Well, it's a compounding cumulative thing if, you know, if it never gets treated.
And and if it never gets better.
And you know, for me, it really just progressively got worse and worse.
You know, after high school I went to college, which I was probably when I was most normal.
But I do remember like when it came time to graduate college, I was deeply, deeply unhappy.
And you know, of course that led me to the decision to join the Marine Corps.
Which was probably the best thing I ever did, because now I'm a disabled veteran at least, and have good benefits.
You know, this should be the happiest time of my life.
I can do anything I want, but it's not because I'm so severely disabled.
And to deal with, you know, my personal suffering, my my brain has developed this.
Well, the the bipolar is a terrible consequence where I'm depressed almost all the time and the only time I'm really happy is when I'm in my hypomanic hypomania stages.
You know where I feel really, really happy and really productive, but it but it's not really that productive.
And then, you know, the the disassociation is a way my brain has apparently, you know, developed in order to cope with the suffering, because it does reduce the suffering in some, you know, kind of artificial way by just blocking it out.
But the really scary thing is I often do things that not only can I not remember, but I have no control over.
That's really fucking disturbing.
And even more tragically, theThe only way to really, like, you know, to treat something like this would be, you know, how you treat any disabled, handicapped person.
They need a lot of support, you know, friends and family or whoever.
You know, ideally like a family, like, you know,wife and children would be really, really helpful.
That would reduce the symptoms of disassociation.
But because now I live alone, and I kind of feel like I hate the world, which even just saying that doesn't really feel right to me, 'cause I don't, that's not something I want.
But I certainly don't trust the world, which, you know, is only going to make it worse, because now it's just going to make me be alone even more and more.
So being alone allows this disassociating thing that I do to just run rampant.
There's no, there's no one.
you know, observing me to potentially point it out or call it out, or even witness it.
If it wasn't for my my journals, I wouldn't even be aware of it.
And you know, when I go back and read some of this stuff, like when I read it, it's like I immediately don't even want to think about it.
And even just having some of this stuff written down,is kind of frightening to me.
Like, I almost don't want anyone else to ever see this stuff.
So I feel like I should almost like destroy my own records.
And you know, that's, yeah that only furthers the disassociation or the denial or I don't even know what to call it.
I guess the the proper term is disassociation from reality.
And you know, I'm sure a lot of people do do this, and I would imagine that a majority of people are, they may never become conscientious of it.
So I suppose it's a tremendous breakthrough that at least I am somewhat conscientious of it.
But it's so frightening.
I don't even want to think about it.
And so, you know, today will come and go, and tomorrow I will definitely not think about this.
I mean, I I will kind of keep taking journals and writing stuff, but frankly, I'm scared to even go back and look at it.
But I can't.
Stress how incredibly dangerous this is.
Like, I mean, not only is it dangerous to my very life and welfare and well-being, you know, I could, I could end up doing something dangerous or, you know, hurt myself or, you know, get arrested or something or.
You know, just screw up the the the very, very little that I have, which I guess what I'm describing now is part of the the deep, deep feelings of fear I have of just the world in general, which is why I, you know, rarely go anywhere, spend time with other people.
So anyways, the only reason I'm I I'm really addressing this right now is not to, you know, have a pity party for myself, but it's just to bring some awareness to.
The exact nature of what's wrong with me.
If you know if there's if there is a hope of getting better, I would imagine one of the first steps is at least being aware of what's wrong with you.
And I I think the only way to really combat this disassociation problem, you know, would be to you knowhave other people in my life in some meaningful way.
You know, support, which is the the only thing that we can really do to mitigate a lot of the the mental diseases that people have is you got to have support, whether it's a family or friends or somebody, which honestly, I don't I don't have anybody I trust.
Nor do I have anybody that I could even talk to about this disassociation problem, you know, that would care.
You know, like, for example, I've told my family about the bipolar, which they don't seem to care.
Maybe they don't understand it, which that's probably it, because, you know, if you're normal and don't have mental disease.
And you're not a trained professional in it.
You're probably not aware of what these things are like, you know, like, for example, borderline personality disorder.
I've researched and learned about it, and boy, that's a terrifying one.
And I'm quite happy I don't have that one.
And you know, people that have that, it's not their fault.
You know, it's just like, you know, it's not my fault that I was tremendously disturbed as a child and it was never addressed and it never got better.
That's not my fault at all.
You know, I mean, if we had to assign blame, it would have been my caretakers that.
you know, failed to protect me.
And, you know, to this day, they're not even aware of how bad, you know how bad of a job they did and how tremendously screwed up it made me.
You know, they they probably want to think that I'mI don't know, perfectly normal, faking it, lying.
I don't know what they think.
I think they just don't understand and they don't really care enough to understand.
You know, 'cause if they really love me, if anybody loved me, they would, you know, want to spend time with me and, and you know, because I'm not open to starting any kind of new relationship.
Because all of the relationships I've ever had, I've you know never you know really trusted anybody, you knowAnd so, you know, things just got worse and worse, like after, you know, the Marine Corps and after I went to Afghanistan, I came back and wow, I was really screwed up and it was really hard to tell, you knowThe the most clear way to tell would be I, you know, ended up utterly homeless, lost everything.
That's a pretty clear indication that something's wrong.
And then, of course, the worst thing ever happened after that, I.
Got myself involved in an abusive marriage, which...
I mean, I was already screwed up.
But that just made it all that much more worse.
Like...
Like I spent so much of my life living in just utter fear and confusion.
That I, you know that that has permanent long lasting impacts on you.
Lifetime impacts like you know, I'm never probably going to be able to feel calm and at peace.
And I mean I never have and I I don't see how that could ever change.
I mean it's could, it could.
But more than likely, you know, without any kind of stable, solid, loving support, this disease is going to kill me and it could kill me at any time.
It could kill me at any time.
What should you knowThat's something that really scared me before, but I have finally kind of come to terms with and I almost embrace, you know, the end of suffering, you know, a release from just the constant suffering, you know, not being able to eat, not being able to sleep like a normal person.
All right, well, I guess that's that's enough for now.
Thanks for listening.
Video 1 transcript
Okay
it's time for a intense personal video blog.
I've got some thoughts that are just
burning me up and I have to
express them in some way.
I am seriously unwell.
I am seriously unhappy. I'm seriously unhealthy.
I don't feel love, love in the world. I don't feel love anyone
really loves me or cares about me.
I don't think I matter to anybody. And
you know, these aren't just stupid
feelings. They're they're
they're true. I mean, there are people
that will say they love me, but
you know, if I'm you know, in need of help or
support in any way, no, no one no one is there for my hand.
I think about my family a lot. I think
about my sister. I think about my mom
and think about my dad and
so I've been divorced for more than
three years now. And it the first year
of being divorced, I it was it was
really hard. I had to learn to live
again, like learn to live on my own.
which I'm um severely disabled and
so that that's obviously really hard.
and then I would say the second year
I I really stressed out and fredded about
my disability, coming to terms with it, accepting it.
Um, really really fretting about
just the severity of it and I'll explain the disability more
specifically in a moment, but I have the kind of disease that is
100% fatal.
And that's what I was really stressed out about. I mean,
at least I'm conscientious of,
you know, my own problems, which I
I guess is more than some people are.
and that's why I'm the
I got I Oh my god, where am I going with this?
for the second year I was divorced, I
was really stressed out about how I have
no support for my family, which is the
the only hope for for for this
particular disorder, a disease, health problems, is um it's
completely 100% impossible
to manage on my own, you know, which is
something I I recognized about myself a
long long time ago. And that was one
reason I you know got married was I I can
function in a healthy relationship.
you know I can take care of others but I
also need a certain degree of support and
you know so I was really mad at you know
my my marriage failing God for
I thought my I thought God brought me my
wife something crazy like that and
And so, you know, I mean, I'm kind of over the
that I, you know, I recognize that I could literally die any day. Any day.
And of course, anybody can, but um
that's usually not a problem healthy
people have.
the only hope is support and like a lot of support.
Imagine you just had a disabled or
handicapped family member that you
you know imagine a handicapped person or
if I was paralyzed or in a wheelchair
that maybe you know my family would recognize
like you know they have to step up and
support the disabled family members like
it's their only hope. no one else is
going to. And so if you just abandon them,
they're going to die. And that's
kind of where I'm at. And
so I'm kind of done ftting about, you
know, dying alone.
You know, somebody I can't accept now.
back to the I don't feel love from
anybody. I don't I don't trust anybody. I absolutely do
not trust anybody in this entire world.
the few people I should be able to
trust, you know, my family members, I
don't I don't um either they don't
believe me when I say I'm I'm severely
ill and I need some support.
or they don't care or I don't know what
their problem is exactly.
I mean, the simplest solution is they
just don't like me. Like, you know, if
you love somebody, you know, you want to
be in their life, you want to help them
and you would do anything,
you know, and I don't need anything like severe.
I just need support like when I
have manic episodes or when I have
extreme depression.
and that's why this particular disease is
is so fatal because with no support,
you know, I can't take care of myself
appropriately otherwise I wouldn't be
disabled.
so that's really distressing.
Really, really distressing. And there's
just there's absolutely no cure for what I
have. like I mean I have severe neurological
problems and you know I can't sleep right, I can't
eat right, I don't trust anybody.
you know this has led me to
you know isolate you know and and not by
choice particularly but because I don't trust anybody I
don't seek out any kind of relationships
with anybody and so it just gets worse
and worse and worse and the few people
that I relied on I thought I could
trust and care about clearly don't
understand or love me or again I don't
know what their problem is but
coming to terms with all this has been
really really difficult and so I have Uh gosh, I have so many problems.
I don't even know where to start. Severe
neurological problems. I have
I guess my theory is I experienced so
severe of trauma at such a young age
that I wasn't even aware
that you know I
that it wasn't normal to you know feel
and act the way I have my entire life.
So, I've never known what it's like to
be normal. So, that sucks. Feels like I never really
got a fair shot at anything. And now I'm
disabled. Now I have no support. Like,
what the fuck.
You know, so that makes me feel like,
you know, why am I just unworthy? I
mean, I know I'm difficult
to get along with and and you know, it's
gotten so bad that I just don't like
other people. I don't want to be around
anybody else and it's part of the part
of the disability. I mean, so my my my nervous system was hijacked at
such a young age from severe trauma or
you know complex post-traumatic stress
disorder
and now I have bipolar disorder on top
of this. Now I mean as a result of all
of these other things that now I
depressed most of the time can't
function right and I have such intense
episodes of mania where
I just I just desperately
trying to figure out how to survive and
boy that's scary and
you know I I got my master's degree in
mental health counseling uh partly in an
effort to, you know, fix myself. And
as a counselor, I know that the only
real like there's no cure for a lot of
mental disorders.
The only thing that helps is just
support, family, any any kind of support.
and I don't have any. And that's why
this is so lethal.
I I just had one thought I wanted to share about
um mental disorders and and and the complexity.
Like people have no idea what other
people go through. Um like like I know
what schizophrenia is and I know I don't
have that. Um but I I don't know what
schizophrenia feels like. Like what does
what does it feel like to people that
have voices in your head?
That must be scary and confusing. And
you know it is relatively rare.
But my point is,
you know, if you don't have the disorder
and the awareness of it, then then you
just have no idea. You have no idea what
bipolar is like. you have no idea what
complex PTSD is like or you know having a completely
hijacked haywire nervous system and you know the nervous
system is so fundamental to your life
you know eating, sleeping, having relationships
I don't think I'm ever going to have a
normal relationship again.
I don't know if I even want one or I
mean I would like one, but I don't
think I'm open to it. Or maybe
eventually I will be hopefully.
But just the idea of trusting
it just doesn't seem possible. And it's
part of the neurosis from
a lifetime of confusion.
Like my daily life is rough, man. like
you know I definitely um disassociate
most of the time and that
causes all sorts of weird involuntary
memory problems
and the only reason I'm aware of the
memory issues is because
I do journal and write a lot and um I'm
I'm quite surprised and shocked even
about you know my my journals and logs
like you know and and and these are all
coping mechanisms for
severe trauma or
you know I was just so obsessed with
survival for so long
and now I'm in a really weird place
because the one thing I need
to not only survive but you know thrive
and prosper I don't have
which kind of does put me in a rather
hopeless situation you know if I don't
trust anybody life. If I don't go out
into the world and meet new people, then
this problem will never be resolved
because the current people I know and
trusted have severely let me down.
And you know, no fault to their to them
or to anybody else cuz people are who
they are.
which a whole another topic I would
really like to dive into more much more
deeply is a it's a philosophical
and perhaps even religious or spiritual
topic. It's does free will exist in the world? And I
would argue no
for a lot of reasons. And I mean I don't have the free will to
um you know not be bipolar, not have
not to have a dysfunctioning nervous
system. That's not a choice. And and so
I act all crazy often which you
know makes me uh you know isolate from
other people cuz
just just part of it and you know that's
why it's just it so it would felt really
hopeless for a long time and
you know I can't stay in that
hopelessness forever
and believe me I've been down the whole
nihilism rabbit hole where nothing matters.
and that was a really unpleasant place.
And, I have tried really hard to get out of
the meaningless nihilism.
you know, that's one reason I was really
really attracted to Christianity at
first. It it seemed like a perfect solution.
But unfortunately I have
perhaps correctly or perhaps not correct
but I have concluded that
it's just not true
and that matters. That matters greatly.
It it's like the most consequential
thing in the world. Does God exist? Does
God listen to our prayers? Does he love
us? Is he aware of us? Like, is he
actually controlling things? Or
it certainly doesn't seem that way.
And you know, just from my own
experience, I have found that
some of the worst people I've ever met
in my life are religious or
u self-proclaimed Christians. And
they're some of the most awful people in
in the world. And you know it's
it's crazy because it's the exact
situation you know that Jesus confronted the
Pharisees and the Sadducees you know the
super religious and you know so there is something I
still really like about Jesus Christianity
whether it's real or not is still
incredibly powerful
and I do feel driven by some sort of
inner compass to to be loving and kind.
like I can never hurt anybody else on
purpose anyways.
So that that sort of does defeat the
nihilism in some way because like if I
really believe nothing mattered then you
know I would be capable of doing I don't
know something terrible perhaps but um
so where where where does the morality
come from? And I would just argue that
it's a uh evolutionary trait that
people have helped society
if there wasn't a moral compass in some
way.
But for some reason, I have
never in my life had the privilege of
being surrounded by
other by anybody that I mean that that
would love me appropriately or care about me
or I love the phrase what would Jesus
do. That is a great framework to,
you know, base your life on.
And uh I just have never met anybody in
my life that actually followed it. I mean, a lot of
people say they do, but I never in my
life met one.
anyways, this is not a takedown of
religion or Christianity in any ways. I
just have found myself to be firmly agnostic at
this point. Um, it's just unknowable
and I really do believe that free will
does not exist. It just doesn't make
sense.
I mean, just think about all the
people with addiction or criminals or
like addiction is a good example.
gosh, our humanity, our our
human bodies are so susceptible to
addiction and trauma.
often addiction is a result of trauma.
but you know once once you have
addiction then that takes away your free
will.
like you know one one of my problems
is I am a chronic smoker tobacco smoker. stupidest thing
in the world to do.
but uh you know my brain
is trying to find balance and you know
once you have the addiction it's the
only thing that fixes the imbalance.
anyways
I'm going to wrap it up. I just I don't
know what to do.
I'm hanging in there. I do have some
hope. I'm not completely hopeless.
although I do recognize that
just something terrible could happen at
any time and
you know not having any support that's
really scary.
Like I mean I for a while I was
really afraid of just dying alone in my
apartment. Like I mean who knows how
long it would take anybody to find me.
It would probably be my you know
landlord eventually when I don't pay the
rent. or you know I don't know. But, you know, the this one of the
really sad tragic things that I
truly believe is that I just don't
matter to anybody. If I died, it really
wouldn't affect anybody.
And you know, I suppose that's my fault
for, you know, not not doing better at
life, not um you know, what working
harder or
I mean, I just I made a really really
bad decision
marrying the wrong person that
you know, I wound up in an abusive
marriage. Like, what the fuck Like, I'm
the nicest guy. And, you know, of
course, I'm the kind of person that
would be taken advantage of. And I just
trusted. And now I don't trust anybody.
like my family
I don't trust them you know and
I don't trust them because I you know
came to them when I needed support and
you know they all in their own way said
no way can't do it
basically they don't there.
That doesn't make sense to me.
It's a real tragedy
and and such a waste because I'm,
you know, I'm I'm I'm really
intelligent. I'm creative. I'm fun, you
know, and I could have put that
towards something useful. And
you know, instead I, you know, just
torture myself with,
you know, worrying about dying alone and
stupid stuff like that rather than doing
something good. And, you know, I guess
that's part of the disability.
It's just tragic. It doesn't seem fair.
I guess it could be worse.
some people do have it worse.
I just, um, I've come to terms that I
have no support.
No one's coming to save me.
You know, I if if something bad happened
to me, I
like that's it. like I
I don't I just don't have anybody
to help me with anything. And that's a
recipe for death. and so at least I've kind of
come to terms with this. And
all right, that was a bit heavy.
well, I think that's all I had to say.