RitaPandey - journey thru emotions

Here are some Hindi poems. I've tried to translate but it is almost impossible to convey the true emotions in English.

I have arranged this collection of poems, written by Harivansh Rai Bachchan, to reflect my own journey through my emotions. I sang them in my own tune. I did not know then but now I realize singing was a release during the dark times of my life.

The 4 parts below represent the progression as I have tried to bring balance to my mind.

Part 1: Internal Monologue/autosuggession to not get swayed by emotions and past memories.
Part 2: When autosugession does not work, turn to God-question, complain and request
Part 3: struggle to oversome and depression caused by inability to express
Part 4: Struggle in bad relationship and determination to transcend

In the first song, the poet describes three extreme emotions: happiness, anger, and sadness/depression. He then tells himself not to get swayed because many others have felt them. You are not alone.

itane mat.mp3

The first line of the song is a summary of the three emotions that are described in the rest of the song: Oh my mind, don’t become so intoxicated with happiness, raged with injustice, or depressed with pain.

When life is fulfilled don't get totally immersed and intoxicated. Remeber that this exhilaration has happened many times before on this earth and felt by many others.

Whenever you are treated badly/unfairly, don't start screaming with rage. Remeber that many others have felt this many times on this earth.

When it seems like all your hopes are destroyed, don't cry or get depressed. remember again It has happened many times on the earth before and many have felt it.

In the second song, the poet tells himself not to become entangled in old memory loops. Oh my mind, turn over this page of your life. You have already memorized every word of it. Why are you wasting your life by reading it over and over? The words written on it are permanent and cannot be changed but you can and you must change the effect on you.

prishth palat.mp3

Part Two: turning to God in following three poems: questioning, complaining and requesting.

kya dand ke.mp3

kya dand.mp3

Did I deserve the punishment? You gave me the desire to keep going but also gave me only one path. Then how was this possible to have a different story of this body’s journey? I followed your path then why is the question of good or bad? Why is the punishment? Your ways are strange. Since this punishment is coming from you proves your presence in my life. Otherwise I would have become free from it long time back.

This is an unreasonable expectation of yours. After poking so many holes in my heart, now you say to fill up some nectar in life. You may laugh at my failure but I am actually helpless. After filling every corner of my heart with pain, you ask me to sing happy melody. This is your heavy satire against the helplessness of humans. It is Ok to be humorous with equals who can reciprocate equally. I am only asking for the justice that a human that she deserves.

ye anuchit.mp3

ab mat mera.mp3

In this poem, God is presented as a pottery maker and the poet is the pot in the process of becoming.

Oh potmakker, don’t shape me further. It's been so long but I could not become anything so far. I am freaking now. You may ignore my panic but what about your own reputation?

Continuously spinning on this dizzing pottery wheel, now my mind, body and life is completely worn out. Hey pot maker, now stop startling the clay of my life.

There is a limit of how much one can say and there is also a limit of how much one can tolerate. Why don’t you now make some arrangement that I also have some control in my hands?

Part 3: Depression -In following two poems describe the pain and his inability in expressing. this is the voice of depression.

ur te uthi.mp3

The pain grows from gut and reaches up to my throat. It keeps circling in my heart. Neither I am able to let it go by verbalizing it nor I am able to live with it/tolerate it. It only keeps hurting inside.

I can't share my pain with anyone; that is not in my nature. My silence itself is a sad story. I don't even know who should I tell my story? My story is a strange one.

kisi se bhee.mp3

Part 4: this poem is about the struggle in a bad relationship and The determination for transcendence from weakness.

unke prati.mp3

My pain and tears were stupidity and foolishness for him. I want to use his cruelity as a blessing 'prasad' to go above my sadness.

He was not able to let go of even a minor slip-up of mine and was always on the look-out for an opportunity ‘daanw’ to put me down (give me a check-mate). I want to believe that my effort to go above my weaknesses is a blessing 'prasad'.

He called me coward and timid when I felt sad and tried to share my story in a sobbing voice 'vihwal vani'. I want to believe that my songs in a new voice is a blessing 'prasad'.

I want to reach a mind set to thank him.

som thakur's poem- wo meera jo wish pee kar amar huee

Following poems are written by my bhaiya VK Tiwari who always wanted me to write and include his poems. I wasn't ready at that time and now he would neven know. But most of his poems I can relate deeply.

main kisko.mp3

My courtyard is full of people. Who do I love more?

Some of them are afflicted and others are suffering from tangled memories and bereavement. They are all unhappy and sad. who do I take care of? who do I love more?

They all come to me with thirsty heart full sighs and dissatisfaction. they all have deep faith in me. But I have only one pot of nectar. Who do I welcome and offer? In what manner do I talk to them? Whose heart do I fill up with nectar? Whose head do I hold in my lap?

After all I am also just a human being. How do I behave with them? The luxuries of king is momentary as well as the miseries of a beggar. This whole commotion is short-lived as well as my life itself. How do I hate someone and how do I love someone?

main akela1.mp3

main akela2.mp3

I stand alone and wonder what exists on this side and the other side of the horizon?

how are these people and who is friend? what is this family? why are Muslim, Hindu, and Christian priests? What is time and beyond eternity? what is microscopic and what is gigantic? what are exhilaration, love and this brain? What is soul and what is body? what is the basis of union?

I alone think and search....

jeevan.mp3

With eyes flowing with tears and thirsty lips, my life was like living in a desserted land. I was cheated by those who were closest to me. Every moment I was pricked by hawthorn thorns.

No one could understand who I was. Even the good time of life were surrounded by pain. To me fall or spring were the same.