Despite his size, Ernest was a gentle giant who brought laughter and hope to an otherwise miserable place. Word got round and within a couple of weeks Ernest had started a Biscuit Club, which was simply a get together. Every evening, prisoners would come to Jack and Ernest’s cell to have a cuppa tea and a natter, with only one stipulation: you either brought a pack of biscuits to be shared and eaten by everyone else in the cell, or you brought a story.
This particular evening, a new prisoner called Andy joined the Biscuit Club, but being new he had no biscuits so instead he shared his story.
“Well, it all starts with my mate Peter, who I grew up with and went to school with. He'd been living in Amsterdam and was back home to catch up with everybody and make a quick buck selling coke. Apparently he knew a guy called Tony, a real meathead, not to be messed with. Anyway, he said if I borrowed him 5k, he'd give me 10 back and since I've known him forever I said yes.”
“Muppet,” someone interjected.
“Yeah, I was a muppet,” Andy agreed. “Anyway, fast forward two weeks and Peter’s still not paid me back. I bump into Peter in a nightclub. He tells me he's not got my money yet and that he's in a bit of a predicament, cos he got greedy and got another 5k on tick, but then gets robbed of half his stash, plus he's finding it difficult to shift cos the quality isn't that great.
“Anyway, I tell him to do the best he can and says see you later. I pulls this bird and head off back to hers, like you do. She's really kinky and likes filming it, she even had a tripod and camera already set up. So after I give the dog a bone I goes to sleep, I wake up in the middle of the night needing a piss. As I'm walking through the hall to the bathroom it's dark and I bump into someone, no word of a lie, just so happens to be Peter. Turns out he pulled my bird's flatmate.
“As our eyes adjusted to the darkness I see Peter staring at a family picture on the wall, my bird with her mum, dad, and older brothers. Then he quickly snaps out of it and talks about robbing the girls. I say no way, leave him to it and walk home.
“Fast forward two days and Peter's sold the stuff he stole to this crackhead called Gopher, think he's been in here a few times before.
“Yeah, I know Gopher, was in a couple of years ago, bunked with Davidson.”
“So he's sold the stuff, got rid of the coke and then ropes me into going with him to pay Tony. I'm reluctant but he eventually persuades me and next thing you know where in Tony's flat.
“There's a bunch of guys sitting around watching a shit porn film of a man's back, rubbish camera angle. There's also a junkie spaced out in the corner that I later find out is Gopher.
“Right above the TV, I kid you not, there's the same family portrait from the hall.
“I look back at the film and the penny drops. The flat’s suddenly way too warm. It's me on the porn film, shagging the bird from the other night, the bird who just so happens to be Tony's sister. I tell Peter to pay up quickly, knowing that at any moment the bird’s gonna get on top of me, reverse cowgirl, and look straight at the camera.
“I remember thinking, Jesus, I hope Tony's not got a hard on. Then, I'm busting out of there as soon as Peter pays, Peter hot on my heels. No way I was waiting around for the elevator, so I fly down the stairs, four at a time.
“We got half way down the stairs when Peter's phone rings, and sure enough it's Tony saying he's gonna fuck me up.
“I shit myself, grab my passport, and get on the first bus I see, then another, then a train, and another train until I got to an airport and then I flew to Amsterdam.
“So how the fuck are you in here if you went to Amsterdam?” someone asked.
“Well, 10 years later I'm still in Amsterdam living a new life and I bump into Tony. He was on a stag do and had seen me the day before and followed me home. Then the next day he bumps into me and gives me an ultimatum, smuggle some pills back home or he'd fuck me up. I told him no but when he told me my address and the name of my son's school I had no choice. I didn't feel reassured when he told me he knew the guy at customs.
“So I drive home and get stopped with 30,000 ecstasy tablets. Turns out only 300 were actually ecstasy, the rest paracetamol, so the bastard definitely set me up. I get three years but at least my family are safe.”