To My Dearest, Touko Kuchiki:

It has been so long… How long has it been exactly?

So many months flew by, but I never forgot.

There’s no way in hell I ever will. I mean, what can I say?

As if it were just yesterday, I remember those days when you were so lost: you didn’t have the courage to truly embrace yourself. Like an esper in the wind, you were drifting along and accepting whatever fate had in store.

But I knew.

I knew that you were done with letting fate dictate your entire existence.

You were sick of being stuck in your cage. There was a fire burning inside of you, never letting itself become extinguished. Because you knew. You knew you had more to offer. You wanted to leave your imprint on the world and not just be some name lost in the seas of time.

That’s why you sought out Reiji Tokisaka, that supposed master detective. Surely, he would solve your internal struggles. Surely, he would deliver that final piece of the puzzle.

You wanted to find your true self, that’s what you told him.

Your own background was always an enigma to you. You had no ties to your biological parents and your own adoptive mother always seemed a little distant to you. Something just didn’t sit right with you.

You were living like an empty husk. It was starting to eat at you. Even with all your friends at school, even though you found a hobby you were passionate about, you kept your distance.

Touko Mizuhara. She idolized you so much. At times, I could feel myself relating with her. I mean, just like her, I could see so many of your amazing qualities right in front of my eyes in whatever you do.

But you looked at yourself differently, with a lot more pessimism. You couldn’t fathom how someone, anyone could admire you so much. That being said, it’s hard not to get caught up within your own cynicism we are our own harshest critics after all.

But it’s because of your unique circumstances that you were able to craft your special alluring personality. Of course it would draw in others, why wouldn’t it?

You had this… mystical charisma. It’s so hard to describe. You have an air about you, like you’re just ready and willing to just carve your own path. It’s hard not to turn my gaze towards and stare, with my mouth agape.

But I know your circumstances weren't the only reason.

Another barrier was your health. It’s no secret that you aren’t the healthiest person. You’d faint in class and you would skip class and sleep in the nurse’s office. Hell, you even have one of the rarest blood types, the Bombay blood type.

I’m sure it’s tough when everyone else you know is out having fun and you’re stuck in a hospital bed. But remember you are surrounded by people who care for you. The other Touko, Yukari, Tojiko and many others, they’re all your friends and are willing to help you every step along the way. You aren’t alone!

That being said, the many days you spent alone cultivated your wonderful artistic talents. Being in the art club with Yukari, I’m sure she looked up to you as inspiration. I mean, there is no one who could draw like you.

That being said, you found a kindred spirit in the form of Reiji Tokisaka. Just like you, he has been battling some personal demons. Just like you, he put a barrier around others and while the reason might have been different, the end result is all the same.

You recognized that immediately. Maybe by conversing with another empty husk, it could create something whole. And so, you continued to approach him more and more.

Eventually, mere curiosity blossomed into something more and you felt yourself being attached to Reiji.

You wanted to break free from your shell one way or another. You couldn’t handle not knowing who you were. But your time with Reiji opened your eyes. And although you realized this all too late, you encapsulated your closing catharsis into one final painting:

Ruri no Tori

You realized the ultimate truth and finally made peace with your inner quarrel. You, Touko Kuchiki, are who you are, no more and no less. You’re that spunky, mischievous girl that loves drawing. And it’s because of your playful charm that you were able to touch more people than you could ever dream was possible. The answer to that puzzle was within you this whole time. You didn’t need to search around endlessly, all you had to do was look inside of you.

Just like a trapped bird, you were caged, tied down by the weight of your past. You were the definition of an egg without a yolk, empty to the core. But you found your purpose as you began to stop worrying about your past and previous circumstances. Through your experiences you learned the true way to live. It is not about bogging yourself down with worries of the past, instead live in the present, as if every day were your last.

And a last there was.

You flew high and extended your wings out towards the sky. The truth carried you up towards the heavens.

And just like that, with your wings spread far and wide, you disappeared. Disappeared from Reiji’s life and mine as well.

Every day was eating away at me, not knowing what really happened to you. You just disappeared without a trace. Little did I ever know…

Just like Reiji, I was caught up in a frenzy trying to search for you. I just had to get a final resolution to everything. I couldn’t let things end the way they were. The two of you were finally able to become something whole again and having that ripped away so quickly and so suddenly was heart-shattering.

Even when I began working on other cases along with Reiji, you were always in the back of my mind. That nagging feeling, like something was missing. I knew you were out there somewhere. But no matter how hard I tried to think, nothing seemed to add up. All the trails led to nothing. It came to the point where even your surrogate mother gave up on you.

But I didn’t.

I had hope, hope that somehow, you were alive safe and sound.

I was ready to throw everything away so I could dedicate all my time to you and only you. But just like Reiji, I held on and saw the current case through to the end.

It was a pretty complex case and it involved another string of serial murders. I had to visit the stone cold village of Hitogata multiple times in order to get all the facts straight. But I managed to work through the whole case. And I’m glad I did.

Because it led me back to you, to more clues about your whereabouts.

Naori Kuroya, a resident of the Hitogata village, was a key piece and was somehow tied to you. Eventually, we found a cabin hidden deep in the forests. That was one of his rumoured hiding sites, and a potential place where he could lie low and hide with a stolen baby. Shinji Mamiya was also rumoured to be there too. Surely, if he was there, you would be there too.

See we went inside that cabin. I could feel my heart in my throat. So many thoughts were racing through my mind. Optimistic ones, pessimistic ones, my mind was all a blur.

Inside the cabin, I found a medical chart. It had notes taken down, tracking the progress of a pregnant woman. The chart had a picture.

It was a picture of you.

You were a mother, and your baby was somewhere in the world. And yet, with all this information, I still had no idea where you were at all.

And that’s when I heard Masaki’s voice. He found what seemed to be three burial mounds near the outside of the cabin. So we went out to investigate.

Every single step was torture, I could feel my brain writhing in my skull. I had trouble processing anything.

And so, we started digging.

First we found Nanako’s father, who was brutally murdered by her.

Next, we found your captor, Mamiya Shinji.

Who could have been in the third one? I already had an idea of who it was, but I needed to make sure. I’m sure Reiji wanted to make sure too.

So he took the shovel in my place and started digging for the both of us.

And there it was, right before my eyes.

Your corpse was staring back at me, those hollow cavities reflecting nothing but despair.

I had finally found you.

All those happy scenarios that played out in my head would never become true. The truth was right in front of me and I had to accept it.

There is no joy after all. Every moment I spent thinking and searching for you led to this very moment. Even though I found you, I couldn’t save you.

I’m so sorry.

I’m sorry that I let you down.

I’m sorry for not finding the answer to your question any sooner.

I’m sorry I lost your daughter.

But because of that, I’ve been given a new purpose. I will find your daughter, no matter what it takes. I’ll find her and make sure she can live a happy and fulfilling life, something that you were robbed of.

This pain is unbearable, soul-crushing.

But I found a new purpose, so I’ll wipe up my tears. Now’s not the time to wallow in self-pity. I have to be strong, for you and for your daughter.

Touko, I promise you, I will find your daughter.

And even though you are gone from this world, I hope you found your wings and are able to fly free, not bound by any cage. You are that special Azure bird of hope and joy, flying joyfully towards the expansive Heavens above.