Learning to breathe

There is a story in all of us that demonstrates times where we had to have pride within ourselves. I do not know where I would be right now if it were not for the things that I have been through.

Pride for me...

Pride is a sense of total confidence that people have towards their skill set, talent, ego or much more. Some people feel that being prideful is a cocky trait, while some others claim pride to be a “sin” in religious context. However, I think that everyone deserves to have a sense of pride within themselves. Having pride in oneself can make the difference between self confidence and insecurity. A common time that many people have gained a sense of pride is when they were given the freedom and independence that college grants.

Even though it was only a couple of years ago, I feel like a completely different person from the petrified freshman I was entering college. Did you cry on the night of your freshman move in day? I know I did. The feelings of having a new life in a new place with new people was almost all too much to handle. Not to mention having to be independent for the first time ever. The tears poured as my mother comforted me. She has always encouraged me to take on new adventures with a positive mindset and a loving heart. Although this influence did not resonate at the time, soon this would be the motto that I would lead my life by.

Heading to college...

I definitely felt out of place coming to Jackson State University at first. Although it is an HBCU, there are many different types of people with many different types of personalities on campus. Coming from rural Mississippi, I had never been around such a diverse student body. I felt overwhelmed on a daily basis. You may think that the only thing I had to survive was my freshman year of college, but there was so much drama in my hometown that I had not handled prior.

Entering college, I was in an awful stuck and sunken place, and most of my family and friends never even knew about it. I was in an abusive, toxic relationship. I was in this relationship for over two years when I came to my senses and left. Although the relationship was not as terrible at first, it took a dark turn my senior year of high school when my ex became extremely involved in a religious group that was all too cult-like. Unfortunately, this cult would have a huge impact in my life as well. This “religion” preached heavily on following all of the laws of the Bible (new, old, common, rare). I was pressured into trading in the teachings of my loving mother and ancestors for laws of a “denomination” that did not align with my core values.

My mother likes to say, “there is no such thing as opposites attract, you attract the same energy that you put out.” In hindsight, I cannot blame all of my problems on him. After all, the energy that pulled us together was our depression. Neither one of us was happy with ourselves, and we both understood those emotions.

Trying to cling on to something to fill the void, I clung to him and he clung to the “religion.” (I will remain to keep names private to avoid defamation of character.) From the beginning, our relationship was borderline toxic. Everything about our relationship grew way too intense, way too fast especially for my age. (I know girl, what was I thinking?!) Then, when he discovered this “religion,” the toxicity levels of our relationship rose terribly.

My ex-boyfriend would force me to wear only dresses, not engage with LGBTQIA+ people, not unnecessarily talk to any boys, not to eat certain meats, to pray in a particular direction with a headwrap, and more. He was training me to be a housewife for him. If I did not follow these outlandish rules then I would be “punished.”

All of these demands were completely out of my character but I did it anyway “because I loved him.” I allowed my love for him to blind me from his toxic ways for so long that I began to think that this is how my life was meant to be. I thought it was the life that I deserved. But I was loving so blindly that I could not see the man that my ex was becoming.

Looking back, there are several events that should have led me to pull the plug on that relationship (but I kept holding on.) Argument after argument, punishment after punishment, I chose to stay because I thought I needed him. I grew more and more mentally weak to my circumstances. I became distant from the ones that I loved. I told myself that this is the way that my God wants me to live and that I would get used to the treatment eventually. I even tried my hardest to brainwash myself by watching “religious” videos alone in my bedroom to become more adjusted to the ideology and to “hopefully” change my own mindset.

I felt like I was training my mind, my body, my spirit to hate me.

I did not value certain things in the ways that I was known to in the past. I would be willing to make ludicrous sacrifices on the things that I loved to please others, but I was not happy. I found myself battling with negative thoughts about life too often. I tried to suppress the thoughts; my favorite thing to do was distract myself. My perspective on the possible ways that my life could pan out shrunk. I guess you can say that I started to dream small.

As one can imagine, these behaviors magnified my battles with anxiety, depression, trust issues, anger issues, and pessimism. However, with all of the mental and physical abuse, something inside of me knew that I was meant for a life better than the one that I was living with my ex in this cult.

It was not until I went to college and left his constant influence in my life, that I realized all life had to offer. I never felt closer to my destiny than when I was on my college campus connecting with the community. I made a promise to myself that I was going to turn over a new leaf when I came to college. I decided that I was going to aim to be the person that I desired to be, even if I had to “fake it until I make it.” I would sit and imagine the new adventures, new lessons, and new opportunities that college would bring and I would grow intensely excited (and I can say now that I have had a lot to be excited about).

I felt like a caterpillar ready for her metamorphosis… but I did not know where to begin. My brother would always tell me that the best way to get involved in an academic community is to join different clubs and organizations that best fit my interest, so I took his advice. This purpose gave me an opportunity to really meditate on who I am and what I like or dislike.

Getting engaged on campus...

My first year of college, I was especially interested in joining as many clubs and organizations that fit my interests as I could. I was not accustomed to the amount of clubs and organizations that my HBCU had to offer, so I was definitely thrilled. One of the main organizations that I wanted to participate in was MADDRAMA Performance Troupe, an organization that explores all aspects of drama and theatre such as singing, acting, dancing, writing, and backstage tech. I became really passionate about joining because I love the creative arts and I wanted to meet like-minded people. My dedication to joining MADDRAMA was probably the best choice that I made as a freshman in college. In this organization, I began to genuinely open myself up to other people. (Something that I was terrified to do before.) My self-confidence in what I had to present to the world grew tremendously (due to the amount of scenes and spoken word performances that I have done).

The process of joining this organization was special from other performance organizations that I joined in the past. Everyone was required to know each other by heart. Everyone’s names, hometowns, backgrounds, majors, and general information became common knowledge to everyone in the organization. I appreciated this part of the process because it required everyone to stand out amongst the crowd.

Not only was I able to be noticed, but I was able to do what I loved to do. Ever since I was a little girl, I have adored the theatre and the creative arts. This organization undoubtedly brought out that passion in me again. I got to be an actress, and I was fantastic at it. I continued to get great feedback on my acting as the performances passed. Fortunately, I was given the opportunities to travel and perform in front of large audiences. This boost in confidence in my skills paved the way to a boost in my overall confidence.

Even my friends from back home would make comments about how my demeanor had shifted from the past… I seemed more at ease. This organization made everyone that wanted to join a family member. I felt that everyone accepted one another without judgement (gay, straight, bisexual, boy, girl, nonbinary, religious, spiritual, atheist, rich, poor). I had never felt so welcomed in a group of people before and I loved it.

Along with gaining friends from MADDRAMA, I found loads of love and support outside of the organization. I reached out to people nearly everywhere I went as a freshman. As I talked to more and more people, I grew to learn about different women’s stories dealing with religious and social pressures. Women all around me were telling me stories about how they found liberation and happiness in being themselves.

I was reminded that I was not alone. I did not have to be alone. Part of the reason that I kept many of my family and friends in the dark about my situation is because I did not think anyone would understand, and whether I was wrong or right, I kept many things to myself. It was not until I started expressing myself that I started to heal and gain strength.

There are several coping mechanisms that people can use to express their emotions in a positive way. Some of the ways that I expressed myself was through talking to people, acting (I would love to put my emotions into the roles that I played), writing (especially poetry), and being out in nature.

I became a more and more liberated version of myself than I was in the past. From expressing myself, I felt more valid in the emotions and thoughts that I would have. Finally, I began to express my unhappiness in the relationship to my ex-boyfriend, and it was difficult, so we settled on going on a “break”.

Meeting by best friend...

While I was still on this “break”, I happened to meet my best friend (and now girlfriend) in MADDRAMA. (We had met because I needed a ride to an organization event. She came to pick me up and the rest is history.) I think everyone has that moment when you first meet your soulmate and you realize something is different and easier about being around this person. I felt removed from all the chaos and drama that was still happening in my world. We would talk about our mental health, spirituality, and the intersections of our lives. I began to learn about myself while connecting with her.

I had never grown so close to another person before in my life. It felt like she saw me completely for who I was and she thought it was beautiful. We had gone through many ups and downs, but she consistently has stayed by my side. I now know that when you meet the right person that he or she makes you want to become a better version of yourself. Because that's what happened to me.

My mindset on life shifted - I became more positive and excited about my life. I felt like I was finally being seen and heard. It was the combination of gaining a support system, a best friend, and confidence in myself that led me to officially leave my old toxic and abusive relationship.

At first, the idea of leaving him was scary. I held on to all of the good memories. Then one night after an intense argument before my birthday, something inside of me snapped. I cried hard because I knew that it was the end and that there was no coming back from this point. I HAD ENOUGH! As one can expect, he became an emotional vampire about the situation. He made claims of suicide, posted about me on social media, flirted with my friends, made violent threats, and the list goes on. But I knew that those were all tactics to control me, and I had finally gained pride within myself to stand strong.

I spent the next couple of months coping with the trauma of the entire experience. First, I gained the courage to tell people closest to me about the adversity that I faced in the past. Even though it was frightening, the aftermath of the conversations caused me to feel even more visible, as if people were seeing me for my truth. Next, I unquestionably started to focus on self love to heal trauma. Positivity became a daily mindful practice of mine. Lastly, I recognized that I was never alone in this life. Yes, I am surrounded by my family and friends (and I am eternally grateful for them). But, even when you are alone, God (or the universe, or your ancestors or whatever you call it) is always there with you, guiding your way.

Thankful to my father, one thing that was essential to my emotional and mental healing was going on a vacation. In specific, we went on a cruise to the Carribean and Mexico. The vacation was not necessarily mandatory to help me but it definitely gave me the avenues for healing. I had time to myself to heal; I was away from everyone and there was no service in the middle of the waters. I was granted the time to meditate and breathe; this space alleviated a great deal of the stress that was on my mind. Not to mention, the beach and the ocean are my happy places.

I also went and received the professional counseling support needed from the Latasha Norman Counseling Center on my campus. I learned that self awareness and growth are keys to navigating life. Everything is meant to work out for the greater good, so you have to trust your own instincts because that is what ultimately shapes your destiny. I am grateful for the life that I am leading now, and I know that although I may face some challenges I am always able to make it through.

And I am not trying to make claims as if I did not make mistakes along the journey of gaining pride in who I am. There are several obstacles that one can face along the way, but the journey of gaining pride is not a straight road but a rollercoaster.

However, one bit of advice that I found and still find to be helpful in this journey is the phrase “follow your gut.” To me, this phrase means that one should follow their truth and core values. It speaks to having pride in one’s self too. In order to follow this advice one must have pride in who they are and what they believe in. Once people are able to take this advice, then they should be able to attract the life that is meant for them.

I have pride in being me, fully and completely me without restraints. Months later, my best friend asked me to be her girlfriend under moonlight, one lovely evening. And you know I had to say yes. I am so blessed to have this beautiful woman in my life. I have never been more genuine and happy in a romantic relationship than I am with my girlfriend. Together we have been on many different adventures such as traveling, doing activism work, performing poetry, joining organizations (one being Spectrum gender-sexuality alliance), and many more. Also, my self-confidence has paved a way for newfound successes and opportunities to come.

I leave you for now with this...

Like a flower that is still blooming, life has and continues to shape me into the sophisticated woman that I am and will grow to be. I am lucky for the experiences that life throws my way because I would not be here today without them. For instance, experiences like being a blog contributor with HBCU Expressions will be an experience that I will always cherish. On the other hand, everyone has a story or several stories that may be hard to discuss, but the conversation will be less taboo and strange once we talk. When we let our emotions out, we are able to find ways to let those emotions better us and make us stronger beings.

As a junior looking back, I definitely have come a long way, and if my coming of age story has done anything, I hope that it promotes the spread of pride in one’s individuality and heart. Do not let the circumstances frighten you because you are meant to live in your full truth. It feels so much better, free to be you and to learn to breathe!