hope, fear and hennessy

Originally, when I told my friends, who are mostly white, that I chose to go to an HBCU in the deep south, their first response was “Where the Hell is that?”. My eyes threw daggers of disappointment at them and I let out a deep low bearing sigh. I told them that it was in Mississippi. Which resulted in their second response…

“Are you sure you want to go there, I heard that Mississippi is extremely racist and homophobic”

“You know because of the Bible belt and the KKK”

“Do you want to die ?!”

Cringing at the thought of myself being burned alive by white supremacists and my friend’s fake sincerity. I kindly told them that I was going to be alright, just to calm them. Although their concerns were somewhat valid it doesn't help that my university address has the word “Lynch” in it. Nevertheless, I still wanted to go because it was an HBCU and coming from a High school where the population of black students was below 50 percent, I wanted something different. Something with flavor and color.

Freshman move in day…

On the day of move-in there was a lamp, a desk, a chair, and grey walls the color of a cloudy sky, all things I saw as I planned around the moderately sized dorm room. It was like a luxury prison cell, a good mix between hostility and hospitality, but the only difference between my room and an actual prison cell was that I still had the freedom to leave whenever. With that in mind I figured that college wasn't going to be as bad as I thought it would. I was excited. College is going to be the one place I can be my true self. Where I’m not constantly being bombarded by my parents or just the everyday societal “limitations” that I felt were holding me back. For some naive reason I thought that college was going to be like movies. Although I credit myself as a realistic person.

I was swindled by the glamor of movies, like “school days”, but without the hazing and mind games. My excitement was ultimately counterbalanced with my anxiety, because although I was now free from the shackles of young adult life. I was now heading into a new territory that was unknown to me. It was something new and my gay ass wasn't too sure if I was going to fit in on this HBCU campus.

You know hope is an elusive feeling, it comes as quickly as it goes and the first night of freshman orientation my hope was fading. As soon as my parents left the campus gates, I was alone, and fear took residence in my mind. As a proud introvert I knew that the thought of meeting new people was going to be like getting a Vampire to enter a church. Painful and against my true nature. However, there was this overwhelming weight of loneliness which caused me to revert within myself. It was the fear monster ripping itself within me and I was letting it win. To the dismay of the welcome week leaders I did not participate in the campy activities they so carefully planned. I just wanted to be by myself, and that’s what I did the first night. I stayed in my room, watched Netflix, and cried. Most times I thought that I was alone in the way that I felt, but I wasn’t. There was probably someone down the hall that felt the same way as I did. I just didn’t want to speak to them, and the feeling was mutual.

Fully aware that the reason I was feeling this was because of the fear of how people would see me. Like most people in a new setting I was afraid that I would not fit in, that I would stand out like I usually do. See, I wanted college to be different. I expected college to be different and I wanted people to like me. Unlike the kids in middle school and High school who taunted me for being different. I thought that maybe should I always expect the worst in people and always have my guard up. But that’s not a good way to live, that's not a way to live. With that in mind I was going to step out and embrace life head-on.

The first college party…

So, when I first heard about the party off campus, I figured it would be the perfect opportunity to get the true college experience. I thought that this would be a prime time to be social, maybe meet someone interesting. My Naivety and over inflation of ideas conjured a grandiose scenario, with me being the life of the party, dancing in the middle of the floor, living my life as if this was an episode of some cliché sitcom. The party was called “Back 2 da books’ ‘and it was in a place where all the “hoodrats” went to party and have a good time. By the sound of the party, I should have known then, that this was probably not the place for me, even though the title was clever.

I had a game plan, walk up there, get lit, vibe, and if people got a problem with me that has nothing to do with me. The plan sounded so good in my head that I believed it would until I go into the club. Now there are several things that I did not think about. One of which is that I went by myself and two I can't dance; I can't even bounce to the rhythm of the music because I have no rhythm. So, there I was standing still in the middle of a dancing crowd like a rock in troubled water. Suddenly waves of fear kept crashing in and I was headed towards the door.

Struggling to get out, I made it to the bar, which is where shit gets interesting. Bartender with bad acne and scraggly goatee yells over the loud music to ask me “Whatcha drinking bro?” Confused, I looked back and saw no one was behind me, so he was talking to me. Not knowing what to say or even having any clue what to get I just shouted “Hennessy! ” He shook his head in comprehension and responded “Just Hennessy?” I shook my head to say yes and he poured some in a small plastic cup.

Now in retrospect, he should have definitely checked for my ID since I was under the drinking age however, that's not the point. Although we shouldn't drink because of the rules set by the administration and the government, we know that college students still engage in such activities. The taste of Hennessy is like a cruel mixture of pool water and pennies and I had never tasted alcohol before, and I was not planning on drinking, but I ended up doing that anyway.

The first shot felt weird when it slithered its way down my throat and a warm sensation boiled the pit of my stomach. What came after was a buzz of euphoria as if I was melting from the inside and everything around me was becoming hazy. I had never been buzzed before, but I knew that I liked the feeling and I didn’t want it to end. So, I took another drink, and another, and another until my body became a bumbling ball of jelly.

Bouncing to the beat of swag surf and dancing and singing to songs I didn’t know the lyrics to getting enthralled in the energy of the crowd. I felt good but then the world starting spinning and it went downhill very fast. Vomit came spewing from my mouth, people quickly moved away from the scene of the crime to not get vomit on their club clothes.

Some random stranger helped me stay afloat and dragged me to the exit of the club while everyone was still partying. I leaned against the wall outside of the club waiting for my uber to arrive. All I could think about is how much I messed up. When I made it to my room I plopped into my bed and sobbed. I thought to myself WHY?... Why would I do this to myself?

Looking back…

I had completely embarrassed myself for the sake of making friends. My intentions were pure but my execution was a bit off. However, this is what many students go through, maybe not exactly in the way I did but I am sure I’m not alone in my embarrassment. The truth is that as freshman it may seem as though we are thrown into this world without a life vest and were expected not to drown. And when we do drown no one is there to help us out of the pool. In instances like mine where I did the most to do something so simple, which was to make friends, resulted in making a fool of myself. This is because I was trying to fit in when I was born to stand out.

I didn't have to go to parties and be someone I’m not for people to like me. I could have just been myself. Which is a word to all students, not just freshmen, when you try to force yourself to be something you are not you end up looking foolish. So, don’t do that, try being yourself instead. If you know that you are not a party person then don’t force yourself to go, find other places where you can meet people in a setting that you are comfortable. Secondly, if you have to do anything like take drugs to do anything then it’s probably not worth doing it. Lastly, the people who are meant for you will be for you. What I mean is that the right people who are going to be your friends will naturally gravitate towards you. So, don’t go out of your way to make people like you.