My Upbringing communication

”But Oh, You Still Expect Us to Know How to Communicate?”

Growing up as young black men and women, many of us can say that we have had similar childhoods, whether it be by the various phrases we all know, punishments and especially the “rules” or lessons taught through different ages. Many women I know can relate to being told “speak when you are spoken to” or even better, “a woman is to be seen and not heard”. And fellas, I know yall remember being told “men don't cry '' or “you gotta be a strong boy, stop acting like a girl”.

Well, if you have been told any of these things it's okay family, me too! It’s extremely ironic how we are belittled throughout our upbringing and immediately at the age of eighteen we are to know how to talk to employers, significant others, family members and friends, in an open, emotional and appropriate manner. Though as a young black boy or girl we are taught to suppress our emotions and be strong, but oh okay, as adults you still expect us to know how to communicate?

The way we are raised by parents/guardians impact us more than we know. Instead of ridiculing, neglecting and placing a spotlight on flaws within a child, it is prevalent with our upcoming generations to take time, explain, and focus on comprehension. We typically tend to pass on traditions, but this is one we can no longer embody.

Parents, erase the stereotypes, the family sayings and raise your children to be able to communicate effectively and not be afraid to express themselves regardless of their gender. Communication is not based on gender.

Children, young adults, and teens, know that this is a problem, yet it isn't your fault, but when you realize that there is a lack of communication and failure on your end as you're going through life, work on it. Work on listening, work on expressing yourself, become yourself, not the person you were molded into, it is okay to crack that shell.

Do not be afraid to venture off from what the norm is considered to be, you are human, we are all made to make mistakes, for none of us are perfect. A great communicator is one who knows their flaws, and is constantly working to improve them.

Now, let’s discuss the ways to in fact dismantle the poor communication skills that we are used to and claim as “normal”.

• “One way communication”, this is the one that frustrates me the most. Personally it took me a while to overcome this and I am still working on it. One way communication is really the “this is how it is and nothing else” mentality, one way communicators only listen to their side of things and are not fond of what others have to say if it is not corresponding and or praising their words.

• “Negative Nancy’s”, this one right here, whew grandma listen up! This specific style of communication is generally led by the one who sees little to no positivity in relativity any situation at all. Yes, it is important to look at the many different ways situations and scenarios can go, but always pointing out and harping on the wrong can be annoying and simply unhealthy for a progressive conversation.

• Invalidating or disregarding the feelings of another, this is where you push the way someone else feels to the side, ignore it or even mock it, the result of being treated this way can cause one to show apathy, anger or even resentment. Read up on Emotional Intelligence, when you get a chance!

So now you're thinking, “well Adrienne I am like at least one of these now so what?” And I know me too!!! And look, okay world, as adults you still expect us to know how to communicate? In response, I can simply say, one way communicators - open your eyes, mind and ears, listen to thoughts and words outside of you for the possible benefits, growth and change they may have on your behalf. Now you Negative Nancy’s, change the can’t in your conversations to can, think of solutions instead of problems, and don’t be too hard on yourself or others, we human mistakes are natural. As a black individual many of us have been a victim to this growing up, but we now have to break the cycle of, Invalidating or disregarding the feelings of another, we know it doesn’t feel good to be told “oh your fine”, “nothing is wrong with you” and so much more, so why would we create the same feeling toward another person, do not! End this form of communication today.

The three forms of poor communication used in the black community that I have listed today, are far from all that can be addressed, but just a few I know can be relatable and have affected me in a way throughout life. If we wish to be any different, make a change and really grow, communication is key! So make the minor changes, focus on what you say before it is said, and really listen, then I bet when you're expected to know how to communicate, you’ll be ready for the challenge.