As far as I can tell, cynicism, pessimism, or hypocrisy have never served any teacher or student well. But a little clear-eyed honesty well-stated certainly can. Harry Truman said it best: “I don’t give them hell; I just tell them the truth and they think it’s hell.”
Well, it’s not really my intention to give anyone hell, but here are a few “truths” that may seem a bit curmudgeonly. I believe these are my own, but if anyone recognizes the same sentiment stated in a similar fashion by someone else, I’d like to know about it.
I am sure that the genome project will soon discover a curmudgeon gene, but having worked in libraries and with technology for over 30 years, I believe I have earned my right to be a bit cranky without the benefit of genetic predisposition.
Agree or disagree. Add to the list if you’d like using the comment section below. Share your law!
Oh, you might enjoy my biases, too.
Collected from visitors to this site:
Roy’s Rule of 1.0: Don’t buy version 1 of anything. As we all know version 1.1 will be along next week. Roy Crotty (rcrotty (at) csu.edu.au). Roy says this is also true of relationships (don’t marry the first person you fall for) and recipes.
Butch’s Observation: The degree to which people take you seriously can be charted in a direct, but opposite, proportion to how seriously you take yourself. Take yourself too seriously and no one else will. Butch Wilson (bwilson@ roe25.com)
Hughes’ First Law: Yes, there are stupid question, but don’t worry we won’t laugh as we answer them. In fact, we collect them, and the winner of the most stupid wins a new pair of Birkenstock clogs!
Hughes’ Second Law: We do not find any question unusual. How could we? We do not find coworkers with 17 rescue cats in a studio apt. and find a necktie goes fine with an old school acrylic Izod Lacoste crocodile cardigan, so how could we find your question unusual? Neal Hughes <nealmhughes@ bellsouth.net>
Wolin’s Law of Networking: If there’s a working jack on the wall, there’s a heavy cabinet in front of it. Susan Wolin <wolin135@ earthlink.net>
Johnson’s Rule Completed:Sequencing (2) Machines.
1. If the lowest cycle time is at machine #1, then place to the left. 2. If the lowest cycle time is at machine #2, then place to the right. 3. If the lowest cycle time is a tie at machine #1, then lowest cycle time for machine #2 is placed to the left. Walker Cox (winkwalker7@ msn.com) (I have no idea what this means. I hope it isn’t dirty. - Doug)
Singer on Scanners: The one (college) student who loves the scanner and always asks for help with it is scanning pictures of him/herself that make you start to stammer something about policy. Daniel Singer (DanielJSinger@ gmail.com)
Luscre’s Law of Inverse Taxonomy Level vs. Amount of Copy & Paste: There is an inverse relationship between the taxonomy level of Cognitive Objectives and the amount of plagiarism: The more higher order thinking required, the less plagiarism. The lower the taxonomy level of the question(s), the higher the percentage of copy & paste versus original thought. Anthony A. Luscre (mo_luscre@ mogadore.net)
Miller’s Observation: If you don’t have the time to do it right the first time, you’d better have time to do it over. Becky Miller (becky_miller@ ecboe.org)
Lane’s Law: NEVER underestimate the importance of the RIGHT CLICK button…it’s there for a reason! Cindy Lane (lane.cindy@ gmail.com)
Allison’s Adage: Old librarians never die; they just keep renewing. Allison (allisonalto@ yahoo.com)
Allison’s Librarian Riddle: Why did the librarian cross the reference? (To get to the other cite!) Allison (allisonalto@ yahoo.com)
Addendum to Johnson’s Reflection on Library Quality: “The quality of the library is never greater than the quality of the librarian” AND THE SUPPORT OF THE PRINCIPAL. Allison (allisonalto@ yahoo.com)
Allison’s Statistical Principles of Library Work:
Allison’s Theorem of Teaching Online Resources: The number of times you tell students they may not use Google for a particular assignment equals the number of students who will log onto Google immediately after your dazzling presentation to illustrate the use of expensive online subscriptions.
Corollary: Take the above number and square it to determine the number of students who will complain about not being able to use Google.
Allison’s Noise Level Axiom: The decibel level of a group of rowdy students is proportionate to the distance between them and the library media specialist.
Allison’s Noise Level Axiom II: The noise level in a library is in exact proportion to the ratio of how many students are doing research from computers over how many are using books. Allison (allisonalto@ yahoo.com)
Denis’s Observation: The lack of preparation on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine. Denis Landry (denis_landry @bwsdsb.on.ca)
Kathy’s Conspiracy Theory: Computer technology is an adult conspiracy designed to force children to learn to read. Kathy Sutusky (ksutusky@ sc.rr.com)
Moman’s Minute: Don’t throw out outdated technology until the last, aged teacher retires. Herman Moman (hmoman@ union.k12.ky.us)
Lee Ann’s Advice: Don’t even try to teach the term “due date” to middle school students. Somewhere in their 11-year-old brain it computes to “IF I find it, and IF I’m finished with it, I MIGHT bring it back, but don’t hold your breath.” Lee Ann Parrish (lparrish@ stillwater.k12.ok.us)
Laura’s Litany: It’s called research because you have to search for the answers. They will not leap off the page or screen and announce themselves to you. (lauragud @yahoo.com)
Paraphrasing the late Gamble Rogers: It is better to beg forgiveness than ask permission. and Experience is what you get when you don’t get what you really wanted. Anne Berkey (anneb@ aug.com)
Carol’s Relationship Advice: Never date anyone who needs a mother or a therapist. Carol McClain (mcclains13@ comcast.net) (Doug’s Corollary: Never hire anyone who needs a mother or therapist either.)
Getting it done: There is always another way of getting the problem solved - sometimes that way works too. Pat Brown (pbrown@ alterhighschool.org)
Crocker’s Rule of Reading Assignments: If you spend as much time reading the book as complaining about the assignment, you’d be at least half-way through the book. Judy Crocker (drummer@ rt66.com)
Teachers’ Rule of Lamination: If it is not nailed down, laminate it. Yes, this too is part of our job! Ruth (Bun242 @aol.com)
Wolf’s Observation about Books: Flashy binding, insipid content. J. Wolf (jerome.wolf @harlandale.net)
Cindy’s Observation on “Always”: Even though the server has ‘been down’ less than 4 hours total in its three years of service … when it is down someone complains that “The server is ALWAYS down!” (usually the server is down when grades are due). Cindy Lafferty (clafferty@ tchs.us)
The Middle School Rule: Something’s wrong if a day goes by without a middle school student asking this question: Has somebody turned in a book? (what they mean is the book they’ve lost) Mary Faye Randolph (maryfaye.randolph@ pflugervilleisd.net)
Maryann’s Law of Living with the Ineffective Among Us: The complete inability of some individuals to GET THINGS DONE is the most effective way for them to secure their roles as concept thinkers. Maryann (mkempthorn@ vsb.bc.ca)
The First Law of High School Circulation: The first student who checks out a new, expensive, and potentially very useful book will immediately move to an undisclosed address (perhaps entering the Federal Witness Protection Program), taking the book with him/her. Efforts to retrieve it will be fruitless. Madeline (m.warner @mail.ci.westfield.ma.us)
Jennifer’s Observations:
Carol’s Observation: No matter what the object, if it has a power cord, someone will expect you to fix it. Carol Schwartz (lc.carol.schwartz @nwoca.org)
Sue’s observation: EAT LUNCH each day!! No one else in the school will give up their lunch period for you. Don’t give up yours for someone else, no one will notice. Suzanne Wargo (swargo @millbury.k12.ma.us)
Friedman’s Law of Hospital Libraries: The only safe space for a hospital library is the space with no windows. Once you’ve moved there, no one will ever take it away from you. Jennifer Friedman
Tom’s First Problem-solving Question: Has it ever worked properly before?
Tom’s Second Problem-solving Question: When did it last work properly? Tom Kendrick (tkendr01 @webbox.com)
Al’s First Law Of Book Popularity: The number one requested title will be one COMPLETELY inappropriate for a middle school library to own. Also requested titles number two and three! - Alan Fedder (pershing123 @yahoo.com)
Al’s Second Law Of Book Popularity: The book pictured on the book fair poster will be one the library doesn’t own. - Alan Fedder (pershing123 @yahoo.com)
Klein Little Law: There will always be a patron whose request you cannot fulfill. And this person will always show up when the principal is here. Mitch Klein (mhklein @con2.com)
Jan’s First Law of being New on the Staff: There will usually be a teacher/administrator/ staff member who will pledge that the former librarian let them take home a VCR for the summer. This will be the second test of your “People skills.” Jan Chemotti (jchemotti @cayboces.org)
Buchanan’s Rule of Upgrading: If it ain’t broken, don’t fix it! Madeline Buchanan (mlbuchanan1 @charter.net)
Jennifer’s Rule: Non-readers usually go for BIG books. They’re more impressive to carry. (jlyons @cssd.org)
Brenda’s Addition to Jennifer’s Rule: Non readers will always check out and drop the thickest books they can get their hands on. Brenda Phetteplace (bphette@ yancey.main.nc.us)
Brenda’s Speculation: Why don’t we just go ahead and let the lawyers and insurance agents run the schools since liability seems to be the top priority of the school administrators. Brenda Phetteplace (bphette@ yancey.main.nc.us)
Biblia, the Warrior Librarian’s Law: Nothing is impossible - however, many things are difficult. (abcredaro @ozemail.com.au)
Jo’s Observation: Strong men who can operate a table saw, and construct a cabinet from blue-prints sometimes blanch when confronted by a moving-picture box attached to a keyboard. Treat them gently, and they will weld the legs back on your library stools! Ona J. Bass (ojbff5 @mizzou.edu)
Vidor’s Observation: All children believe that the librarian has a secret stash of the “really good” books. Constance Vidor (cvidor@cathedralnyc.org) And many of them firmly believe the librarian has read EVERY book! - Doug
Footnote to Vidor’s Observation: All teachers think you have a hidden stash of “good” equipment. i.e. “Do you have a GOOD tape recorder?” Barbara Verbos (bverbos @aol.com)
Plunkett’s Rule On Why Computers Are Easier For Children To Learn Than Adults: Children don’t know they “can’t” do it…therefore, they can. Adults know darn good and well that they can’t do it…therefore, they can’t. Mark Plunkett (plunketm @springbranchisd.com)
Morris’ Law of Accessibility: When seeking to talk with someone when they are momentarily unavailable, IF you take the time to record a message or leave a note, they will appear before you can finish. If you do not take time to do this, they will not appear in the same time frame. Theodore Morris (tamorris @kent.edu)
The Weber Baker Rule of Technology: All the computers are configured exactly the same…which means they’re all entirely different. (This rule applies equally well to TVs and VCRs!) Barbara Paciotti (paciottib @cfbisd.edu)
Strickland’s E-Mail Enigma: The longer the time lapsed since you checked your e-mail, the more likely you are to have a message which required immediate attention. Joe Strickland (MR_LEGO_JOE @hotmail.com)
Kemps’ Rule of the Inevitable: The piece of equipment that worked perfectly during setup, will always malfunction during your most important presentation. Colleen Kemps (ckemps @esc.cr.k12.ia.us)
Hetzner’s Law of Professional Illumination: Media Specialists always project a good image. (Hetzner_M @popmail.firn.edu)
Schimmels’ Law: If you regularly back up your server, it will *never* crash. But, if you never back it up, your server *will* crash. This is a guarantee! Meg Schimmels (mschimmels @kscable.com)
Baltes Observation on Weeding: The most needed book is the most recently weeded book. Jenny Baltes (jenny_baltes @hotmail.com)
Hodge’s Rule in Response to Student Complaints: This is not a democracy, it’s a benevolent dictatorship…and not always all that benevolent.
Hodge’s Rule of Assisting Students: No matter how long one works on a computer with a student, the computer will malfunction the instant the librarian leaves the student’s side and returns to the reference desk. Sue Hodge (xntrik @rocketmail.com)
Lisa’s Rule of On-line Catalog Searching for Elementary Students: Verbal explanations are worthless. Do it, make errors, and do it again until you get it right.
Lisa’s Law of Pre-School Story Hour: When all else fails, find a book with the word “tush” in it.
Lisa’s Second Law of Pre-School Story Hour: A “movie” (filmstrip) is an awe-inspiring experience.
Lisa’s Law of Popular Fads: Harry Potter, too, shall pass.
Lisa’s Rule of Saving Library Funds: Online book searching to save $5.00 is a lousy use of time, but somehow satifies the soul. Lisa (lisahandelman @adatariel.org)
West’s First Rule of Technology: If the computer is plugged into the cart, and the cart is plugged into the cart, the computer will not turn on. Becky West (bwest @cms.maisd.com)
Gierke’s First Law: Persistence is the most important quality a person can develop to be successful.
Gierke’s Second Law: All people born after 1978 came equipped with microchips in their brains; the rest of us are relying on vacuum tube technology.
Gierke’s Third Law: They will come IF you have something they want. The challenge to the library is to add value to information access. One such commodity would be instruction and training.
Gierke’s Fourth Law: The earlier students develop a skill, the more likely they will develop more sophisticated skills.
Gierke’s Observation I: The problem is not people with too little self esteem, it is dealing with those who possess too much self esteem with no basis for it.
Gierke’s Observation II: The job is what you make it. Carolyn Gierke (cgierke @shs.k12.ny.us)
With Apologies to Mark Twain (curmudgeon par excellence): First God made monkeys. That was for practice. Then he made educational consultants. Mark Williams (mark_williams @eee.org) Hey, I resemble that remark! - Doug
Jantzen’s Law of Disassembly: When disassembling something (computer, vcr, bicycle) the ease of removing the screws is equal to n-1. Where n equals the number of screws (there will be at least one screw you cannot remove or get at or is a weird kind of screw). Garry Jantzen (garryj @coos-bay.k12.or.us)
Oelke’s First Rule of Missing Files: Where DID you save it? Anne Oelke (CFLibrary @centurytel.net)
Penn’s Observations:
Pam’s Observation on Book Recommendation (In response to Penn’s observations) A children’s librarian can hold up a copy of just about anything and say, “this is a good book”; and 99% of the sixth grade class will NOT check it out. (Bookhart2 @msn.com)
Bartnik’s First Rule of Technology: When installing software the phrase “PRESS ANY KEY TO CONTINUE” Does NOT refer to a specific key with a nomenclature of “ANY”. Chris Bartnik (Chris_Bartnik @pac.odedodea.edu)
Kelly’s Law of Blame: Blaming someone is a waste of time. Once you figure out who dropped the glass, the glass is still broken. Worry about cleaning up the mess rather than looking to blame it on someone.
Kelly’s rule about fairness: Nothing is fair. Things are just as unfair in your favor as against. Don’t worry about fairness; worry about solving the problem. Mark Kelly (eastham98 @yahoo.com)
Kujawinski’s Law of Inverse Educational Rewards: When evaluating staff using the same pay scale, those doing a good job will receive more responsibilities while those who consistently skrew-up will receive less. Daniel B. Kujawinski (dbmk @msn.com)
Marilyn’s Law of Work Ethics: Always be the best that you can be; do the best that you can do; and get more work for your efforts. Marilyn Johnson (MJohns @husd3.holbrook.k12.az.us)
Ron’s Observation: Missing A.V. equipment defaults to a finite number of sites, (Round up the usual suspects.) Ron Weaver (wnor @hotmail.com)
Birney’s Codicil to Nature Abhors a Vacuum—the Law of Clutter Equilibrium: A generous parent will donate outdated computer hardware as soon as the lab has been cleaned. Jan Birney (stmark6614 @yahoo.com)
Katrina’s Observation: The principal never checks out anything, except a video camera on the day of his daughter’s confirmation. Katrina Larkin (kdlark @aol.com)
Grigsby’s Observation: Those who don’t understand are not committed. Those who do should be. Susan Grigsby (sgrigsby @epstein-atl.org)
Brenda’s Conclusion: If you read as a child you read forever… (brtoschi @yahoo.com)
Judy’s Law of Priorities: It is more important for students to know how Shakespeare processes words than how Microsoft does. (jwhaley @mncable.net)
Add YOUR Little Law today!
The author of this page reserves the right to edit or to not include submissions. Name and email address will be included with each submission address unless otherwise requested.
Maureen's question for all researchers: If you don't know what you are looking for, how will you know when you have found it? (See Big 6 #1) | Maureen Irwin
Viki's Observation: There is a fine line between obvious and oblivious. Viki
Neil's Law of Technical Improvements: there's always a quicker way
Corollary to this law: and some wretch will tell you, "Oh, you could have done that in 30 seconds" when you have just spent 2 hours sweating and cursing the computer.
Neil's Law of Computer Protection: never keep a mallet by your computer.
Neil's Observation on the Unholy Trinity: to children and animals add the rule "never work with technology". (Pity the primary teacher!) Neil Adam
The best rules have the fewest words. Leutenant Dan
addition to Plunkett's Rule: Children don't worry about "breaking-that is ruining something of monetary value" the computer, so they are willing to try new technology; adults worry they may have to pay to replace something they have broken. Also, whether you are a child or an adult has nothing to do with your age.| DeAnn, IM620 SCSU
"Remember, the more books you read, the taller you grow." Lewis Meyer (1913-1995), author and the greatest bookseller in Tulsa, OK, history, ended his book review show with this saying every Sunday morning when I was growing up. Joan Bennett
Lindi's Law of Presentations: Technology will break your heart. Be prepared. Lindi Wood
King's Rule of Progeniture: The parent who complains about inappropriate language in a library book will always be the one whose offspring demonstrates an impressive command of Anglo-Saxon in library lessons with no discernible provocation.
King's Rule of Incredulity: The student who has spent ten minutes chewing gum with their mouth open in front of you is the one who will loudly declaim "Who, me Miss? I'm not chewing!" in utter disbelief when told to put it in the bin.
King's Rule of Odd One Out: Despite every other book on the shelf sitting spine outwards, the one a student picks up, looks at and puts back is the only one which has to be shelved pages out. It's the law. Karen King