Doug's t-shirt says

Doug’s t-shirt says

- a collection of t-shirt sayings from catalogs, websites, and personal sightings.

No, I don’t sell any t-shirts. Sorry.

  1. “The trouble with quotes on the Internet is you never know if they are genuine.” — Einstein

  2. Having great vocabulary didn’t save the Thesaurus from extinction / eradication / extirpation.

  3. Dear Math, I’m not a therapist. Solve your own problems.

  4. Someday when scientists discover the center of the universe, a lot of people will be unhappy to find out it’s not them

  5. So much to do and so many other things to distract me.

  6. I got this t-shirt for my sister. (Best trade I ever made.)

  7. Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some abuse the privilege.

  8. In pig years, I’d be a football.

  9. Humpty-Dumpty was pushed.

  10. My therapist thinks I'm too judgmental. But that's because he's an idiot.

  11. The dog ate my lesson plan.

  12. I will conquer my procrastination problem. You just wait!

  13. Never go to bed angry. Stay up and plot your revenge.

  14. Some people are like Slinkies. Good for nothing, but you can’t help but smile as you push them down the stairs.

  15. I am the grammarian about whom your mother warned you.

  16. When everyone’s out to get you, paranoia’s just good thinking.

  17. Sometimes I wonder… “Why is that Frisbee getting bigger?” And then it hits me.

  18. If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the precipitate.

  19. That's a horrible idea. (What time?)

  20. If you’re telekinetic and know it, raise my hand.

  21. Let’s hope intelligent life exists in space. I’m lonely here.

  22. Life is short. Read fast.

  23. Talk nerdy to me

  24. Don’t make me use my Librarian voice.

  25. People say I'm condescending (That means I talk down to people.)

  26. If we knew what we were doing, it wouldn’t be called Research. Einstein

  27. ENGLISH MAJOR - You do the math

  28. It’s such a beautiful day. I think I’ll surprise everyone and skip my medication.

  29. Careful, or you’ll end up in my novel.

  30. Joan of Arc was not Noah’s wife

  31. Traveling 33 RPM in an iPod world

  32. Why don’t you slip into something more comfortable…like a coma?

  33. I wish I knew then, what I know now - that I just forgot

  34. I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.

  35. FOLLOW YOUR DREAMS, except for the one where you’re naked in church.

  36. My short-term memory is not what it once was. Also, my short-term memory is not what it once was.

  37. Dyslexics have more nuf.

  38. PEOPLE... Not a big fan.

  39. I LOVE COOKING WITH WINE. Sometimes I even put some in the food.

  40. Money isn’t everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.

  41. Red meat is not bad for you. (Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.)

  42. I am having an out-of-money experience.

  43. I FOUND JESUS! He was in my trunk when I got back from Tijuana.

  44. Corduroy pillows are making headlines!

  45. Dear Santa, I can explain…

  46. Think outside the quadrilateral parallelogram

  47. Over the hill and picking up speed!

  48. There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast

  49. FILE NOT FOUND Would you like a beer instead?

  50. I Suffer Occasional Delusions of Adequacy

  51. Dance like (nobody who can commit you) is watching.

  52. DISHEVELED: Not just a look, it’s a life style.

  53. Awwww, another Whiners Club meeting already?

  54. Non Sequiturs are like Bicycles. They don’t bathe.

  55. A Pun at Maturity is Fully Groan

  56. Ha! Ha! Made You Read

  57. At My Age, I’ve Seen It All, Done It All, Heard It All … I Just Can’t Remember It All

  58. I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say, “Hey look, that one is shaped like an idiot.”

  59. Never judge a book by its movie

  60. Good Morning is an oxymoron

  61. I’m a librarian. Don’t make me shush your ass.

  62. If It’s Called Tourist Season, Why Can’t We Hunt Them?

  63. I Used To Be Schizophrenic, But We’re OK Now

  64. Veni, Vedi, Visa: I came. I Saw. I Did a Little Shopping.

  65. I sometimes wonder what happened to people who have asked me for directions.

  66. JUST PRETEND I’M NOT HERE. That’s what I’m doing.

  67. I put the fun in dysfunctional!

  68. First Things First, but Not Necessarily in That Order.

  69. If At First You Don’t Succeed, Skydiving Isn’t For You

  70. I’m not bossy. I just know what you should be doing.


  72. My dog can lick YOUR HONOR STUDENT

  73. I may not be right, but I can sure sound like it.

  74. If idiots grew on trees this place would be an orchard.

  75. Lead me not into temptation. I can find it myself.

  76. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

  77. Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

  78. Fight Commonism!

  79. You’re looking at a legend.

  80. PESSISMISM never works

  81. I”ll get my elves right on that…

  82. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

  83. Those who can, do. Those who can do more, teach.

  84. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

  85. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

  86. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

  87. Don’t make me get the flying monkeys!

  88. Lost in thought (Please send rescue party.)

  89. I don’t have pet peeves. I have kennels of irritation.

  90. Life is uncertain. Eat dessert first.

  91. If I was any better, I’d have to be twins.

  92. I admit it. I ate the last cookie.

  93. Viewer discretion advised.

  94. I’d be a vegetarian if bacon grew on trees.

  95. PRINCE CHARMING plus a few years

  96. There is a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot.

  97. Thanks to medical science I’ll outlive my retirement fund.

  98. When life hands you lemons, make lemon bars.

  99. Find your Neitzsche in life: Study philosophy.

  100. Need more RAM, ROM & REM.

  101. I am disinclined to acquiesce to your request.

  102. I remember the words Mom always said to me… “What the heck is wrong with you?”

  103. Fictional Character

  104. On average I spend $80 a year on bananas to watch them turn brown.

  105. I swallowed a whole dictionary. Now I have the thesaurus throat ever.

  106. What doesn’t kill me makes me more interesting at parties.

  107. My body is a temple (ancient and crumbling)

  108. This shirt was created using speech wreck ignition soft wear.

  109. I keep hitting the escape key but I’m still here.

  110. Whiz kid

  111. Deja Moo: the feeling you’ve heard this bull before.

  112. Blood, Sweat & Duct Tape

  113. Just another poo flingin’ day in the jungle.

  114. Who says nothing is impossible. I’ve been doing nothing for years.

  115. What I really need are minions.

  116. If it wasn’t for airline security, I wouldn’t have a sex life at all.

  117. Sanity: It’s so subjective.

  118. If it’s true we’re here to help others, what exactly are the others here for?

  119. Dew knot trussed yore spell chequer two fined awl yore mistakes.

  120. Lord, keep your arm around my shoulder…and your hand over my mouth.

  121. programmed to accept cookies.

  122. Sometimes I open my mouth and my mother comes out.

  123. My wife says I never listen to her. At least that’s what I think she said.

  124. I go the extra mile Usually because I’m lost.

  125. Those who can teach. Those who can’t pass laws about teaching.

  126. I had to break up with math. Too many problems.

  127. 6 out of 7 dwarves are NOT happy.

  128. My favorite social media platform is called TALKING.

  129. If things get any worse I’ll have to ask you to stop helping.

  130. Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to dis a brie?

  131. The past, the present, and the future walked into a bar. It was tense.

  132. Ts”i mahuna ot twan ot giefer hingts uto.

  133. My vices are devices.

  134. Am I getting older or is the supermarket playing great music?

  135. Too many people with solutions ARE THE PROBLEM

  136. I’m sick of being my wife’s arm candy.

  137. If I’m talking you should be taking notes.

  138. Books – the original laptop.

  139. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

  140. What part of quantum theory don’t you understand?

  141. A team effort is a lot of people doing what I say.

  142. I’m only wearing black until they make something darker.

  143. If three out of five people suffer from diarrhea, does that mean the other two enjoy it?

  144. Of course I believe in free will - I have no choice.

  145. I seized yesterday.

  146. After Monday and Tuesday, even the calendar says W.T.F.

  147. I wonder what my dog named me?

  148. Grandpa: Just like Dad, but with fewer rules.

  149. Skinny people are easier to kidnap. Eat more ice cream.

  150. I, for one, like Roman numerals.

  151. Irony: the opposite of wrinkly.

  152. They say memory is the first thing to … wait, what were we talking about?

  153. Computers do not damage your thinker thingy.

  154. Computer whisperer.

  155. I like cats. I just can’t eat a whole one by myself.

  156. It is what it is .. or is it?

  157. 667 - Evil and then some

  158. Too many freaks. Not enough circuses.

  159. Is there a hyphen in obsessive ————— compulsive?

  160. I’m sick of political ads. And I approve of this message.

  161. Unfair and unbalanced.

  162. My mind works like lightening. One brilliant flash and it’s gone.

  163. easily distracted by shiny objects

  164. My life is loosely based on a true story.

  165. Never, ever, ever, ever test your wife’s memory

  166. I don’t qualify for a smartphone

  167. Age and treachery will triumph over youth and skill.

  168. Libraries - shhhh happens

  169. Most people don’t know I’m famous

  170. It’s OK - I’ve brought the duct tape

  171. Someone out there cares. Not me. But someone.

  172. I speak 3 languages: English, Sarcasm & Profanity

  173. Organized people are just too lazy to look for things.

  174. On a scale of 1 to 10 what is your favorite color of the alphabet?

  175. My wife is beautiful…and she buys all my clothes.

  176. Meets or exceeds expectations

  177. Clearly ambiguous

  178. Sometimes I question my sanity. Sometimes it replies.

  179. From now on we’re screwing things up MY way.

  180. It’s not me. It’s you.

  181. Pithy saying Pith me off.

  182. Dangerously overeducated.

  183. I do know all the answers but I’ve been sworn to secrecy.

  184. They say I have A.D.D. but they just don’t understand. Oh Look! A chicken!

  185. I’m in the prime of my strife.


  187. My password is: * * * * * * * *

  188. Float like a Lepidoptera. Sting like a Hymenoptera.

  189. Eat well; stay fit; die anyway.

  190. This IS my warm and sensitive side.

  191. GRAVITY always wins

  192. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

  193. So much to do and so many other things to distract me.

  194. 21,717days old. But who’s counting?

  195. It’s lonely being right all the time.

  196. It’s not rocket surgery.

  197. Sharp as a marble.

  198. Bad spelling makes me [sic].

  199. It’s better to have loved and lost than to live with the psycho the rest of your life.

  200. Never laugh at mountains. Even if they are hill areas.

  201. SELF-EMPLOYED: I'm not talking to myself. I'm in a staff meeting.

  202. Do misplaced apostrophe's annoy you?

  203. Mirror, mirror on the wall… What the **^&%^&% happened?

  204. Have you tried turning it off and back on again?

  205. Always be nice to the lunch lady.

  206. Yes, I know I need a haircut.

  207. I don’t skinny dip. I chunky dunk.

  208. Some days it’s not even worth chewing through the restraints.

  209. By reading this, you have given me brief control over your mind.

  210. My attitude is contagious but they are looking for a cure.

  211. Manure occureth.

  212. My book club can beat up your book club.

  213. Old Dog. Knows All The Tricks.

  214. Women Who Behave Rarely Make History

  215. THE BEATINGS WILL CONTINUE Until Morale Improves!

  216. I hear you changed your mind at last. What did you do with the diaper?

  217. Beer Helping White Men Dance Since 1862

  218. Just be happy I’m not a twin.

  219. The probability that you read my shirt: 1.

  220. And thou shalt have dominion over the animals – except, of course, the cats.

  221. If you don’t talk to your cat about catnip, who will?

  222. Old friends are the best – they know everything about you (but they can’t remember it).

  223. I wandered off from the tour.

  224. I live for snow days.

  225. Embarrassing my children – Just one more service I offer.

  226. When I was your age, Pluto was a planet.

  227. In America, Anyone Can Be President. That’s One of the Risks You Take.

  228. I drive way too fast to worry about my cholesterol.

  229. If you have something to say raise your hand … and place it over your mouth.

  230. Everything I say is fully substantiated by my own opinion.

  231. I can’t remember what I forgot to forget.

  232. Don’t do what I do, but do do what I don’t do.

  233. Dain bramaged

  234. Doesn’t expecting the unexpected make the unexpected the expected?

  235. If you’re too open minded your brain will fall out.

  236. I wanted to be a monk but I never got the chants.

  237. Don’t worry about what people think; they don’t do it very often.

  238. It isn’t the jeans that make your rear end look fat.

  239. Education bridges the gap between your ears.

  240. You’re not yourself today. I noticed the improvement immediately!

  241. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

  242. Et tu dufus?

  243. Where are we going and why are we in this hand basket?

  244. It’s not hard to meet expenses. They’re everywhere.

  245. What if the Hokey-Pokey really is what it’s all about?

  246. Did you eat an extra bowl of stupid this morning?

  247. I’m confused. Wait…maybe I’m not.

  248. 333 – I’m only half evil.

  249. My life is an endless battle against maturity.

  250. On the journey of life, I chose the psycho path.

  251. Even if the voices are not real they have some pretty good ideas.

  252. You can’t scare me – I have a two year old.

  253. Instant human – Just add coffee.

  254. It IS as bad as you think and they ARE out to get you.

  255. I never get lost. People always tell me where to go.

  256. The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits.

  257. Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.

  258. Needs supervision.

  259. Is a retired therapist a shrunk?

  260. No one knows the trouble I’ve been.

  261. If the grass is greener on the other side - WATER YOUR GRASS

  262. Pretending I’m a pleasant person all day is exhausting.

  263. i before e except after c - weird?

  264. I’m not bossy. I just know what should be done.

  265. Keep staring at me. I might do a trick.

  266. I don’t suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.

  267. When all else fails, manipulate the data.

  268. Mess with me, you mess with the whole trailer park.

  269. Top 10 reasons to procrastinate: 1.

  270. I didn’t say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame you.

  271. HERE I AM. Now what are your other two wishes?

  272. National Sarcasm Society: Like we need your support.

  273. Some days you’re the bug. Other days you’re the windshield.

  274. Your participle is dangling.

  275. I’m lost. But I’m making good time.

  276. With luck & planning I’ll retire at 149.

  277. Have you seen my marbles?

  278. You’re not the boss of me. My cat is.

  279. DOOLITTLE & LOAFMORE - Retirement Planning

  280. SCHIZOPHRENIA Beats being alone.

  281. DO NOT DISTURB Already quite disturbed.

  282. You’re funny. But looks aren’t everything.

  283. There are 10 types of people in the world: Those who understand binary, and those who don’t…

  284. I Do All My Own Stunts

  285. Department of Redundancy Department

  286. I’m with stupid. (Arrow pointing up.)

  287. YOUR Dum

  288. I AM the evil twin.

  289. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

  290. And, your cry baby whiney opinion would be?

  291. Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize that you haven’t fallen asleep yet.

  292. I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?

  293. Chaos, panic and disorder - my work here is done.

  294. With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.

  295. First rule of married life: it’s better to be happy than to be right.

  296. HELP WANTED: Telepath - You know where to apply.

  297. The best defense against logic is ignorance.

  298. You can’t steer a parked car.

  299. Being cremated. My last chance for a smoking hot body.

  300. LOST: Black and white cat. Blind in left eye. Lame. Recently castrated. Answers to the name of Lucky.

  301. Is it time for your medication or mine?

  302. We make the easy impossible.

  303. How do I set the laser pointer to stun?

  304. I’m not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.

  305. I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet it’s hard to pronounce.

  306. I’ll try being nicer if you’ll try being smarter.

  307. I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

  308. I don’t work here, I’m a consultant.

  309. Experience is a wonderful teacher (But she gives too much homework)

  310. Carpe Dormio (Seize the nap)

  311. The Hokey Pokey Clinic - A place to turn yourself around.

  312. ADMIT IT Life would be so boring without me

  313. Sometimes when I open my mouth my mother comes out

  314. When I was a kid I wanted to be older..this crap is not what I expected

  315. Back off I have a sister and I’m not afraid to use her

  316. Captain Obvious

  317. So when is this “old enough to know better” supposed to kick in?

  318. Never laugh at your wife’s choices. You’re one of them.

  319. You cannot be old and wise if you were never young and crazy.

  320. Exercise? I thought you said extra fries.

  321. I would be unstoppable if I could just get started.

  322. Cure procrastination! Just don’t do it.

  323. My attention span is shorter than

  324. It’s sad how old all my old girlfriends are looking.

  325. I have reasons to believe the squirrels are mocking me.

  326. When all else fails, try doing what your therapist suggested.

  327. Ahhh.. I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again…

  328. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.

  329. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

  330. The fact that no one understands you doesn’t mean you’re an artist.

  331. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

  332. It’s a thankless job, but I’ve got a lot of Karma to burn off.

  333. I started out with nothing and still have most of it left.

  334. Can I trade this job for what’s behind door #3?

  335. I had amnesia once — or twice.

  336. Protons have mass? I didn’t even know they were Catholic.

  337. All I ask is a chance to prove that money can’t make me happy.

  338. If the world was a logical place, men would ride horses sidesaddle.

  339. They told me I was gullible… and I believed them.

  340. Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.

  341. Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.

  342. One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.

  343. My weight is perfect for my height — which varies.

  344. I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.

  345. The cost of living hasn’t affected its popularity.

  346. How can there be self-help “groups”?

  347. If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?

  348. Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?

  349. Don’t let your mind wander. It’s too small to be let out on its own.

  350. I’m currently away from my desk.

  351. Of course I live in the past. It’s cheaper there.

  352. Never moon a werewolf.

  353. Paddle faster! I hear banjo music.

  354. Say NO to negative thinking.

  355. At my age I don’t even buy green bananas.

  356. To err is human. To arrrr is pirate.

  357. Ask me about my vow of silence.

  358. I cannot resist the primal, demon rhythm of the polka.

  359. I used to be a millionaire. Then Mom threw away my baseball card collection.

  360. Being vague is as annoying as that other thing.

  361. I’m so far behind, I thought I was first!

  362. At what age am I old enough to know better?

  363. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

  364. If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong.

  365. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

  366. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

  367. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

  368. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.

  369. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

  370. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.

  371. PLEASE KEEP YOUR DISTANCE. Nothing to do with a virus. I'm just a grouch.

  372. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

  373. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive more than once.

  374. There’s a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can’t get away.

  375. You’re never too old to learn something stupid.

  376. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

  377. Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.

  378. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

  379. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

  380. I always take life with a grain of salt. Plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.

  381. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

  382. Mute yourself.

  383. Mom didn't raise no dummies. And if she did, it was my brother.

  384. Adam and Eve were the first to ignore Apple's terms & conditions.

  385. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

  386. As a computer professional, I find your faith in technology amusing.

  387. I’m always late. My ancestors arrived on the Juneflower.

  388. If life gives you melons, you may be dyslexic.

  389. Dogs don’t need 9 lives because they get it right the first time.

  390. Resistance is not futile. It’s voltage divided by current.

  391. A penny for your thoughts. (Five bucks if they’re dirty.)

  392. There are three kinds of people in the world. Those that are good at math and those that aren’t.

  393. Many people have eaten my cooking and gone on to leave normal lives.

  394. I huffed and I puffed and I got up out of my chair.

  395. I’m so busy I don’t know if I found a rope or lost my horse.

  396. Life is like a doughnut. You’re either in the dough or in the hole.

  397. Ambivalent? Well .. Yes and no.

  398. I have CDO. It’s like OCD but with the letters in alphabetical order like they should be.

  399. When you stop believing in Santa you get underwear.

  400. May I always be the kind of person my dog thinks I am.

  401. If you met my family, you’d understand.

  402. When did my wild oats turn into oat bran?

  403. Who are YOU to tell me to question authority?

  404. My train of thought has left the station.

  405. Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.

  406. Old age comes at an inconvenient time.

  407. Dijon Vu: the same mustard as before.

  408. Sarcasm is the body’s natural defense against stupidity.

  409. FACING YOUR FEARS BUILDS STRENGTH but running from them makes for a great cardio workout.

  410. HISTORY BUFF: I’d find you more interesting if you were dead.

  411. If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

  412. If aliens are looking for intelligent life, why are you scared?

  413. Yes, I know they pick on you at school and call you names, but you still have to go. YOU”RE THE TEACHER!

  414. This person is a SUBVERSIVE DISCORDIAN INSTIGATOR. Don’t turn you back on them.

  415. Light travels faster than sound. This is why I appear bright until you hear me speak.

  416. Back in my day we had 9 planets

  417. Double negatives are a no-no

  418. I’m HUGE in Lilliput

  419. Writer’s block: When your imaginary friends won’t talk to you.

  420. The library - it’s like taking your brain to the gym.

  421. Freedom of speech is not a license to be stupid.

  422. VETUSTIOR HUMO (Older than dirt)

  423. Don't talk to me while I'm texting. That's rude!

  424. People....Not a big fan.

  425. Hyberbole is the GREATEST THING EVER!!!

  426. I saw that. Karma

  427. If our dog doesn’t like you we probably won’t either.

  428. Lord give me coffee to change the things I can. And wine to accept the things I can’t.

  429. I do yoga. I burn candles. I drink green tea. And I still want to smack somebody.

  430. A penny for your thoughts seems a little pricey.

  431. The two most abundant elements on Earth are oxygen and stupidity.

  432. I became a librarian for the money. (The power and fame are just a bonus.)

  433. I cannot prevent the birds of sorrow from passing over my head but I can keep them from building a nest in my hair.

  434. Always remember you are unique. Just like everyone else.

  435. Being a good writer is 5% talent and 95% not being distracted by the Internet.

  436. My train of thought just derailed. There are no survivors.


  438. Rose are red, Violets are blue. I hate rhyming. Zebra.

  439. My doctor is recommending cryogenics.

  440. Wine improves with age. I improve with wine.

  441. I’d rather die from too much BBQ than not enough brussel sprouts.

  442. THE CONSTITUTION: I read it for the articles.

  443. Everyone needs a happy place. Mine is reading a book.

  444. HOMONYMS are a reel waist of thyme.

  445. I’m going to graduate on time no matter how long it takes.

  446. I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

  447. I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

  448. I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can’t put it down.

  449. They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.

  450. I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

  451. All the toilets in the police station have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

  452. Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

  453. Velcro — what a rip off!

  454. Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

  455. Aspire to inspire before you expire.

  456. I was always taught to respect my elders, but it keeps getting harder to find one.

  457. My Internet went down yesterday. I think my neighbor forgot to pay the bill. How irresponsible.

  458. Don’t yell at your kids! Lean in real close and whisper, it’s much scarier.

  459. An apple a day will keep anyone away, if thrown hard enough.

  460. My imaginary friend thinks you have serious mental problems.

  461. It takes skill to trip over flat surfaces


  463. You say I’m insane. That’s OK with me, but I prefer the term mentally hilarious.

  464. I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.

  465. We have enough youth. How about a fountain of smart?

  466. Learn from your parents’ mistakes. Use birth control.

  467. The latest survey shows that three out of four people make up 75% of the population.

  468. Math problem? Call 1-800-[(10x)(13i)2]-[sin(xy)2.362x]

  469. Prefectionist

  470. The only thing to fear is fear itself….and spiders.

  471. Wag more. Bark less.

  472. Pass me a beer and watch me get AWESOME!

  473. If it wasn’t for physics, I’d be UNSTOPPABBLE.

  474. With the right tools, I can break anything.

  475. Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

  476. LIBRARIANS: Shhhh happens

  477. Played with dinosaurs as a child.

  478. If I said I’d fix it, I will. You don’t have to remind me every six months about it.

  479. The first 50 years of Marriage are the Hardest

  480. I’m so old I fart dust

  481. D.A.D.D. Dads Against Daughters Dating

  482. I tried being good. It just didn’t work out.

  483. If zombies eat brains, you’re probably safe.

  484. I can explain it to you, but I can’t understand it for you.

  485. If you can’t take the heat don’t tickle the dragon.

  486. I dream of a society where a chicken can cross the road without its motives questioned.

  487. Let me drop everything & work on your problem

  488. GRANDPA: The man, The Myth, The Legend

  489. I’m a teacher. What’s your super power?

  490. Dear Algebra, Stop asking me to find your X. She’s not coming back.

  491. I’m in no shape to exercize.

  492. My IQ test came back negative.

  493. I’M THE BOSS. My wife said I could have a turn.

  494. I avoid cliches like the plague.

  495. LISTEN and SILENT have the same letters. Coincidence?

  496. Let’s eat grandpa. Let’s eat, grandpa. Commas save lives.

  497. Are vegetarians allowed to eat animal crackers?

  498. YOUNG AT HEART - slightly older in other places

  499. Statistics mean never having to say you’re certain

  500. Well, another day has passed and I didn’t use algebra once.

  501. Spelling is chall… difficu… HARD

  502. So many recipes, so few squirrels

  503. Dear Karma, I have a list of people you missed.

  504. If only closed minds came with closed mouths.

  505. It’s my cat’s world. I’m just here to open cans.

  506. I’m not crazy because I TEACH. I’m crazy because I LIKE it.

  507. I say what everyone else is thinking.

  508. I’m not a pessimist. I’m an optimist with experience.

  509. Cleverly diguised as a responsible adult

  510. It was me. I let the dogs out.

  511. I know just enough to be dangerous

  512. Rule of math: If it seems easy, you’re doing it wrong.

  513. I complain, therefore I am.

  514. Numbers that aren’t divisible by 2 seem odd to me.

  515. Don’t make me use UPPERCASE

  516. One must always respect age, particularly when it’s bottled.

  517. I used to be a people person, but people ruined that for me.

  518. The last time I reached for the stars I pulled a muscle.

  519. I’d explain it to you but I am out of puppets and crayons.

  520. Do I look like the HELP DESK?

  521. It’s not all about me. But mostly it is.

  522. If I look CONFUSED it’s because I’m thinking

  523. It takes a lot of energy to simulate normalcy

  524. I’m awake and dressed. What more do you want from me?

  525. I’m right 97% of the time. Who cares about the other 4%?

  526. I’M NOT LAZY I’m physically conservative.

  527. Men have feelings too. We feel hungry. We feel thirsty.

  528. World’s Goodest Teacher

  529. A wise man once said, “I should ask my wife.”

  530. iTired: There’s a nap for that.

  531. I drink coffee for YOUR protection.

  532. Timing has a lot to do with the success of a rain dance

  533. If you’re not at the table, you’re probably on the menu.

  534. I thought I was antisocial. Turns out I just hate idiots.

  535. I have OCD & ADD. Everything has to be perfect but not for very long.

  536. If you can’t fix it with duct tape, you haven’t used enough.

  537. If you fall, I’ll be there - The Floor

  538. Never trust an atom. They make up everything.

  539. If you say “gullible” slowly, it sounds like “oranges.”

  540. Come to the Dark Side. We have cookies.

  541. EXPLOSIVES TECHNICIAN: If you see me run, try to keep up.

  542. Cancel my subscription. I’m tired of your issues.

  543. Misuse of “literally” makes me figuratively insane.

  544. Ask me how I tolerate stupid questions

  545. Stand back. I’m a professional.

  546. Every time you call tech support somewhere a kitten dies.

  547. Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.

  548. Upon the advice of my attorney this shirt bears no message at this time.

  549. 98% chimpanzee

  550. I won the Nigerian lottery (again)

  551. Nerd? I prefer intellectual bad ass

  552. Patience: Stubbornness but with a positive attitude.

  553. I doubt therefore I might be.

  554. Teamwork: It’s a lot of people doing what I say.

  555. I’m silently correcting your grammar.

  556. And then Satan said, “Put the alphabet in math!”

  557. The trouble with reality is that there is no background music.

  558. I put the “pro” in procrastination.

  559. Yawning is your bodies way of saying 20% battery remaining.

  560. Even though I’ve gone bald, I still keep the comb I’ve had for nearly twenty years. I just can’t part with it.

  561. I’m friends with 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know why.

  562. Free shrugs.

  563. Sometimes I use big words I don’t understand to make myself sound more photosynthesis.

  564. There are two kinds of people. Those who can extrapolate conclusions from incomplete data.

  565. Math: It’s all fun and games until somebody divides by zero.

  566. One glass of wine away from telling everyone what I really think.

  567. Bigfoot saw me but nobody believes him.

  568. Raisin cookies that look like chocolate chip cookies are the main reason I have trust issues.

  569. Today I nap. Tomorrow I conquer the world.

  570. If I were wrong don’t you think I’d know?

  571. 75% of my brain capacity is wasted on song lyrics.

  572. ARCHAEOLIBRIOLOGIST: I dig books.

  573. Hyphenated. Non-hyphenated. That’s irony.

  574. No matter how much you push the envelope, it will always be stationery.

  575. Always give 100%. Unless you are giving blood.

When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

To me, "drink responsibly" means don't spill it.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 pm is the new midnight.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

It's the start of a brand new day, and I'm off like a herd of turtles.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

The older I get, the earlier it gets late.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

When I say, "The other day," I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

I had my patience tested. I'm negative.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn't fit any of your containers.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

If you're sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say, "Did you bring the money?"

* * * * * * * * * * * *

When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say "nothing," it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

I run like the winded.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning and don't know whose side I'm on.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, "Why, what did you hear?"

* * * * * * * * * * * *

When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?

* * * * * * * * * * * *

I don't mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

When I ask for directions, please don't use words like "east."

* * * * * * * * * * * *

Don't bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That'll freak you right out.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those people cops.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb.