Lack Of Motivation

Ironic, I said I would write this 3 days ago, yet haven't. It's a pretty long story but yea!

Please read the subpage under "About Me" for more info. 

So anyways, I may as well preface this by saying that I am still in secondary school, a teenager. 

There was this girl who had added me on snapchat mid February, anyways, she was really nice, both in appearance and personality. I soon grew to like her. I did not share any classes with her however, thus was not able to talk to her much. We both do music however, although she is in GCSE music and I am in BTEC (I was advised to do it, although the class is full of retards. No seriously, this one fuckin' degenerate wears a dog collar). Anyways, come the 23rd June (2023), I had been thinking about asking her out for quite some time, I really liked her. I was planning too as it was a Friday evening when her (best) friend snaps me from her account asking "Hey (my name), I heard you have a new crush, I was wondering if I knew her". 

When I saw this, I was like "Oh Shit". I replied with "What???". After about 45 minutes of snapping back and forth, she got it out of me, promising not to tell anyone, and furthermore saying that she (the girl I liked) was not where her friend was. Anyways, after I admit this, she handed the phone back to the girl I like and she snapped me. I asked how her day was/ casual conversation and such. Then I asked the question. I said iirc "I'm sure you have heard from rumours or {best friend}, but I like you, I was wandering if you wanted to go out sometime". It was a few minutes left on "Delivered" when she hit back with "Sure". Words were unable to describe my happiness at this time, it was in-descript.  We agreed to go with (my best mate) and her (best friend)

We arranged for the Tuesday following as we were both free. I myself am an evening showerer, but I woke up 15 minutes early on Tuesday morning to have a quick shower on-top of the Monday evening one. I ensured I looked neat, by bag contained mint gum and mint Mentos. Tuesday went kind of awry though. I found out that apparently she cancelled. I "found this out" at breaktime and thus felt like shit for the rest of the day. 

After school, I waited where we arranged to meet, for 5 minutes. She never showed up. I felt awful, destroyed. I was walking with one of my best mates and his girlfriend. I then received a snap from her. I asked where she was and she said her and her friend were let out late and were in town. I SPRINTED to town until I met up with them. Seeing her was nice. They were trying to figure out where to go and asked me for a suggestion. I suggested the closest Costa Coffee which was about 1.5 miles away, along a pretty coastal walk. We took this, me struggling to talk out of nervousness. I made light talk but her best friend really carried the conversation. For example, one of the questions was about pets. I offered to pay for both her and her friend but they declined. They did thank me however. 

When we got our drinks, I quickly went to the toilet and gave myself a talk, almost like a self referee. I brushed my hair again, had a mint and sprayed some more deodorant. I sat at the table and started talking. I was struggling what to say, praying not to fuck it up. About 40 minutes passed and her friends dad came to pick us up (saves the walk I guess). He dropped me down to the bus station (very nice guy) and I waited for the next bus. We were sat next to each other in the back of the car, but alas, I was stunned with silence. She snaps me not long after. I asked if she had a nice time and she replied that she had "A Really Nice Time". A sense of relief poured down me, perhaps I didn't fuck it up.

Later that evening/ in the Wednesday morning, the snaps she sends are either of her hair or the wall (unlike the face snaps sent previously). I was slightly perplexed but thought little of it. I saw her walking by herself in school and though I should talk to her, but didn't. After school, I had to go to the pet shop for stuff for my pets. I went with my best mate (who didn't come on the "date" as he was injured in PE). I saw a notification saying that she had sent a chat (15:30). Confused, I opened it, and it went downhill from here.  

"hey (my name), I think you are really sweet and kind but I don't think this is gonna go anywhere". The exact words of what she sent. I felt fucking dreadful. I felt slightly ill, this had never happened to me before. I went from immense happiness to sudden despair. After this she unadded me, our 139 days of talking had ceased.

The trip to Paris was a music one, which I was on as I do music things after school (and no, it is not for retards, most of whom attend are in highest set classes).  By chance for some reason, in the hallway of the hostel, she is sat on the floor as we were walking past back to our room. I asked if she was ok and made small talk about the weather. A lot of her friends gathered around her and were talking to her. 

Wednesday comes around and my friend (one of 3 who I was sharing a room with) starts noticing how she is being really talkative to him, and other tipoffs. This then turns into her liking him. Although this could be a kick in the balls, he said he doesn't like her back (not to her, but to us). That evening, I couldn't stop thinking about it, ricocheting in my mind.  Also on this day, my group (the lads who I shared a room with) were at the back, as was I. There was a spare seat next to me and the guy she likes, and you bet she takes it, right next to me. Time passes and I talk a little. Her responses seemed undeveloped and bored.  I ask her about a concert she was going too, although she said she wasnt able too in the end (this was 40 minutes later or so). 

On the coach ride back (a long fucking time), I was sat fairly close to her. I should of talked to her. She was sat next to the guy she likes, although eh slept 95% of the way back. Since getting back, mid afternoon Friday, I've felt down, thinking about her. The trip made me realise how much I liked her. 

I think I have narrowed down why I liked her so much. She was one of the only girls that gave me the time of day. I thought she enjoyed talking to me, she seemed really sweet. She was very good looking. Whenever I talked about something I had interest in, she didn't instantly close off conversing with me, likewise to her. She also added me first on Snapchat and Instagram. 

I don't know what to do. She's perfect, and I fucked it up. It has to be me on this one, maybe I didn't talk enough, I wish I knew. I hope she turns her decision soon. Oh yea, another thing. Girls also don't tend to add me back on things like Snapchat. Maybe because I don't know them well?

As of 18/07/2023, I still feel this way, I have pretty low self esteem, I don't feel great. My nuts had suffered enough, or so I thought. While in the room 2 of the guys  (very good friends of mine) sent a snap of the to these 2 girls (I dont know them) and asked them to rate me out of 10. I don't class myself highly, matter of the fact, the opposite. It returned a -10 and 2. 

I would also like to add, before anyone gets the idea. I am not some depraved loner with no friends. I have a great group of friends, all very nice people. A lot of them are also fairly popular so there is that.  I also take great care in personal hygiene, I shower DAILY, brush teeth TWICE daily and do various other things to keep clean. So don't for the love of Christ worry, you aren't reading Elliot Rodger.

Another thing, which surprisingly not many people know is, I have Asperger's. And before you ask, I am not one of the attention seeking cocksuckers on Instagram with the retarded rainbow hair, pro-nouns in bio (this really pisses me off). I never post anything about it, I only really joke about myself and it. For those unware, Asperger's tends to not impede intellectual ability, more social ability. I am way better than I was, but a lot of "social cues", I am amiss with. I wish someday, I could master the ability to be able to talk to people properly. 

So yea, though I would transcribe my mind and recent events. I doubt anyone will see this, but if they do, thanks for reading. 

I subscribe to the idea that most things happen for a reason, so good is likely to come of this, in what for, I do not know.

Music/bootlegging has helped me as well. Currently cycling through "Pathetic" - blink-182/  "I Want To Wake Up" - Pet Shop Boys/   "Regret" - New Order and "Bizarre Love Triangle" from 1993/07/02.

The other cool thing about bootlegging, is that every individual recording differs from another. My end aim is to record as many (local) shows as possible. I want to leave a long legacy on fans of music I like. I wish to produce the most supreme quality of bootleg, and perhaps sleep well, knowing I have made someone's day by recording a concert they went too.

Thanks again for reading!