The Target: Signs and Symptoms

Children who are targets/victims of bullying may display one or more of the following behaviors at home:

• Comes home from school with clothing that’s torn or in disarray, or with damaged books.

• Has bruises, cuts, and scratches, but can’t give a logical explanation for how they got them.

• Appears afraid or reluctant to go to school in the morning, complaining repeatedly of headaches

or stomach pains.

• Chooses an “illogical” route for going to and from school.

• Has bad dreams or cries in their sleep.

• Loses interest in school work, and their grades suffer. If your child normally struggles in school

because of a learning disability and is teased about having LD, school may become unbearable

for him.

• Appears sad or depressed, or shows unexpected mood shifts, irritability, and sudden outbursts of

temper.

• Requests money from you to meet the bully’s demands and might even resort to stealing money

from you or other family members.

• Seems socially isolated, with few — if any — real friends; is rarely invited to parties or to the

homes of other kids. His fear of rejection may lead him to shun others.

What can parents of the target do?

If you know or suspect your child is being bullied, but his school hasn’t communicated with you about the

situation, you should contact your child’s teacher(s) right away. Keep in mind that your primary goal

should be to get the school’s cooperation to get the bullying to stop. Knowing your own child is being

victimized can evoke strong feelings, but you’ll get much more cooperation from school personnel if you

can stick to the facts without becoming overly emotional. While you may want assurance that everyone

involved is punished severely, try to focus on putting an end to the bullying!

If your child is a victim of bullying, try helping them with the following strategies:

Your Attitude and Actions

• Listen carefully to your child’s reports of being bullied. Be sympathetic and take the problem seriously. Be careful not to overreact or under-react.

• Do not blame the victim. When a child finally works up the courage to report bullying, it isn’t appropriate to criticize them for causing it or not handling the situation correctly. For example, don’t ask, “Well, what did you do to bring it on?”

• Realize that for a child who is being bullied, home is his refuge. Expect them to have some difficult times in dealing with victimization. Get professional help if you think your child needs it.

• Encourage your child to keep talking to you. Spend extra time with him. Provide constant support and encouragement, and tell him that you love them often!

Teaching Your Child Safety Strategies

• Remember that hitting back is not a choice at school and shouldn’t be encouraged. In a school with a “zero tolerance policy” for physical aggression, encouraging your child to hit back may just get them suspended.

• Encourage your child to walk away and tell an adult if he feels someone is about to hurt them.

• Talk about safe ways to act in situations that might be dangerous. For example, identify a “safe house” or store or where they can find sanctuary if pursued by bullies. Encourage them to walk with an adult or older child. Give them a telephone number of an available adult to call if they are afraid and needs help dealing with a bullying situation.

• Teach your child how to report bullying incidents to adults in an effective way. Adults are less likely to discount a child’s report as “tattling” if the report includes:

o What is being done to them that makes him fearful or uncomfortable

o Who is doing it

o What they have done to try to resolve the problem or to get the bully to quit

o A clear explanation of what they need from the adult (or what he wants the adult to do) to get the bully to quit.

• Brainstorm and practice strategies with your child to avoid further victimization.

Nurturing your child’s self-esteem

• Educate your child about bullying and bullies. Help them put the problem in perspective and not take it personally.

• Teach your child how to walk in a confident manner.

• If needed, help them pay particular attention to personal grooming and social skills.

• Identify and encourage and your child’s talents and positive attributes; doing so may help them better assert themselves among his peers.

• Encourage your child to make new friends. A new environment can provide a “new chance” for a victimized student, as they won’t be subjected to the negative stereotype other classmates have of them. Encourage them to make contact with calm and friendly students in his school. Such action may require some assistance on your part, or perhaps a school mental health professional, to develop the child’s skills at initiating contact and maintaining a friendship relationship. This is especially true if your child’s learning problems make their social interactions difficult.

• Be sure to provide ongoing support and encouragement, because your child, due to earlier failures, will tend to give up in the face of even slight adversities.

• Encourage your child to participate in physical training or sports, even if they are reluctant. Physical exercise can result in better physical coordination and less body anxiety, which, in turn, is likely to increase self-confidence and improve peer relationships.

When should the victim’s parents contact school authorities?

If the bullying occurs at school, then the main responsibility for achieving this goal lies with the school officials. It’s important, however, that the parents of the victim collaborate with the school to implement an agreed-upon plan for solving the problem. If your child has been the victim of bullying at school, here are some suggestions for reporting the problem to school authorities:

• After talking to your child, but before contacting school personnel, write down the details of the

bullying situations reported to you by your child. Note the dates and the names of the kids

involved. Try to view the situation objectively and determine the how serious it is.

• Your child may resist your involvement if he fears retaliation by the bully. If so, explain to your

child that most bullying situations require adult intervention to resolve the problem. Let him know

exactly who you plan to talk to.

• Contact school personnel for assistance in ending the bullying. First share the problem with your

child’s teacher(s), and work together to decide how to approach the problem. If the teacher isn’t

able to get the bullying under control, go to the principal and make a formal request in writing that

he get the bullying to stop.

• Do not contact the bully or the bully’s family directly.

• Keep an ongoing log of the dates of any further bullying incidents and the actions you take to help your child deal with the bullying. Inform the school of ongoing bullying incidents. What can — and should — parents expect the school to do?

Whether your child is a bully, victim, or bystander, you should expect the following from his school:

• School administrators, teachers, and staff should take bullying problems seriously. The school should investigate the situation and let you know what steps they’re taking to help stop the bullying.

• Written school policies and rules against bullying, harassment, and intimidation should be in place — and be enforced.

• Teachers and administrators should speak to the bully and his parents. They should also tell him what the consequences will be if he doesn’t stop bullying others. If the bullying continues, the school should enforce the pre-determined consequences immediately.

• Teachers and administrators should increase adult supervision in the areas of the school campus where bullying incidents are most likely to occur.

• School personnel should be well-informed about the children who are being victimized by bullies so they can monitor and provide support to the victims as needed. They should also communicate often with the victims’ parents to tell them how the situation is being handled at school.

Finally, be aware that bullying prevention programs in schools are often a very effective way to stop bullying.

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