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Overview
Overview
Grief is one of the truest tests of love. When someone we care about is in pain, when they've lost a person, a relationship, a job, a version of themselves, a future they imagined, most of us have no idea what to do. We say, "Let me know if you need anything," and then disappear. We offer platitudes. We try to fix it. We avoid the person altogether because their grief makes us uncomfortable. None of this is love. Love in the context of grief means showing up when it's hard, sitting with pain you can't solve, and being present without trying to make it better. This module explores grief as a practice ground for love. We'll unpack why our culture is so bad at grief, what grieving people actually need, and how to be the kind of person who doesn't run when things get heavy. We'll also explore our own relationship to loss and what grief teaches us about building systems of care.
Core Question: Someone I love is grieving, and I don't know what to do. How do I show up without making it worse?
Answer Preview: Stop trying to fix it. Start showing up. Grief doesn't need solutions—it needs witnesses. Love someone who's grieving by being present, being consistent, and being honest about your own discomfort.
Key Concepts
Key Concepts
Grief Illiteracy: How our culture teaches us to avoid, minimize, or rush through grief
Showing Up vs. Fixing: Why presence matters more than problem-solving
Ring Theory: Comfort in, dump out—how to support someone without centering yourself
Ambiguous and Disenfranchised Grief: Losses that aren't recognized (jobs, relationships, identities, futures, pets, communities)
Grief as Love's Shadow: Understanding grief as evidence of love, not evidence of brokenness
The Long Game: Why grief doesn't end after the funeral, and how to show up six months later
Content
Content
[BOOK CHAPTER] bell hooks - All About Love, Chapter 11: "Loss: Loving into Life and Death"
Link: https://dn790000.ca.archive.org/0/items/all-about-love-new-visions-bell/All-About-Love-New-Visions-Bell.pdf
On accepting death with love. How loss teaches us what matters. Why we must grieve honestly to love fully.
[ARTICLE] "How Not to Say the Wrong Thing" - Susan Silk & Barry Goldman, LA Times
Link: https://www.latimes.com/opinion/la-xpm-2013-apr-07-la-oe-0407-silk-ring-theory-20130407-story.html
The original "Ring Theory" article. Comfort in, dump out. Draw a circle, put the person most affected in the center. Support flows inward, venting flows outward. Essential framework for showing up for grieving people.
[PODCAST] Griefcast - Cariad Lloyd
Link: https://cariadlloyd.com/griefcast
Comedian interviews people about grief. Normalizes talking about death and loss. Free.
[WEBSITE] What's Your Grief
Link: https://whatsyourgrief.com/
Comprehensive grief education resource. Free articles on types of grief, supporting others, and processing your own grief. Run by grief counselors. Accessible, non-clinical, and honest.
[WEBSITE] Refuge in Grief - Megan Devine
Link: http://www.refugeingrief.com/
"It's OK that you're not OK." Megan Devine's work on grief that refuses platitudes. Validates the experience of loss without trying to rush through it. Free blog posts and resources.
[VIDEO] Nora McInerny - "We don't 'move on' from grief. We move forward with it." TEDx
Link: https://www.ted.com/talks/nora_mcinerny_we_don_t_move_on_from_grief_we_move_forward_with_it
Funny, devastating, brilliant talk on grief. Challenges the idea that grief has stages or an endpoint. On living alongside loss rather than "getting over" it.
[WEBSITE] The Dougy Center - Resources for Grief
Link: https://www.dougy.org/resources
Free, downloadable grief support resources for all ages. Guides for supporting grieving friends, children, teens, and families. Evidence-based, compassionate.
[ARTICLE] "Coping with Grief: How the Ball and the Box Analogy May Help" - PsychCentral
Search: https://psychcentral.com/blog/coping-with-grief-ball-and-box-analogy
Viral explanation of how grief works over time. Imagine a box with a ball and a pain button. At first, the ball is huge and keeps hitting the button. Over time, the ball shrinks, but it never disappears, and when it hits, it hits just as hard.
Supplementary Content
Supplementary Content
Books & Academic Texts
Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie - Notes on Grief
Megan Devine - It's OK That You're Not OK: Meeting Grief and Loss in a Culture That Doesn't Understand
Francis Weller - The Wild Edge of Sorrow: Rituals of Renewal and the Sacred Work of Grief
Nora McInerny - It's Okay to Laugh (Crying Is Cool Too)
"How to Comfort Someone Who Is Grieving" - HelpGuide: https://www.helpguide.org/mental-health/grief/helping-someone-who-is-grieving
Video & Audio
Peter Hanson Conflict Resolution - How to Help a Grieving Friend: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bqhX0QI7Jfs
Nora McInerny - It's Okay to Laugh (Crying Is Cool Too): https://feelingsand.co/podcasts/terrible-thanks-for-asking/
Resources
Good Grief - Grief Resources: https://good-grief.org/resources/
Reflection and Engagement Options
Reflection and Engagement Options
Journal Prompts
When was the last time someone you cared about was grieving? How did you show up? What did you do? What do you wish you'd done differently?
What were you taught about grief? Were you taught to grieve openly or to "be strong"? To move on quickly or to sit with it? Who taught you that?
What losses have you experienced that weren't "officially" recognized? A friendship, a dream, a version of yourself, a community, an identity? How did you grieve those? Did anyone notice?
What's the worst thing someone said to you when you were grieving? What did you actually need to hear? What did you need someone to do?
What scares you about being around someone who's grieving? Name the discomfort honestly. Where does that discomfort come from?
Grief is love with nowhere to go. If that's true, what does your grief tell you about what you love most?
Discussion Questions for Learning Communities
Why is our culture so bad at grief? What systems, norms, or beliefs make it hard to grieve openly?
"Ring Theory" says comfort flows inward and venting flows outward. Has anyone ever made your grief about them? Have you done that to someone else?
bell hooks writes that we must accept death with love. What does that mean to you? Is it possible?
What's the difference between "Let me know if you need anything" and actually showing up? What does showing up look like practically?
How does grief intersect with race, class, gender, and marginalization? Whose grief is publicly recognized? Whose is invisible?
What would a grief-literate culture look like? How would workplaces, schools, families, and communities be different?
What have you learned from your own grief that you wish someone had told you?
Creative & Artistic Engagement:
Visual Arts
Create a "grief map" of all the losses you've experienced big and small, recognized and invisible. What patterns do you see?
Make art about a loss you've never fully grieved. Give it form. Give it space.
Performance & Movement
Create a movement piece about sitting with someone in pain. No fixing. No words. Just presence.
Choreograph a piece exploring what it feels like to be held and what it feels like when no one holds you.
Music & Sound
Create a "Grief & Love" playlist that honors loss without rushing to hope. Songs that sit in the mess.
Record a voice memo to someone you've lost. Say what you didn't get to say.
Writing & Documentation
Write a letter to someone you've lost. Not to send, just to say.
Write about a time someone showed up for you in grief perfectly. What did they do? What made it work?
Write a guide: "How to Show Up for Me When I'm Grieving." Share it with someone you trust.
Homework
Homework
Solo Practice: Grief Literacy Self-Assessment (20-30 minutes)
What you'll need: Paper/journal, pen, honesty
Instructions:
List every loss you've experienced in the last five years. Not just deaths—job losses, breakups, moves, health changes, identity shifts, friendship endings, political losses, community losses.
For each one, answer: Did I grieve this? Did anyone notice? Did anyone show up?
Now think about someone in your life who is currently grieving or has recently experienced loss. Answer honestly:
Have I reached out?
What did I say or do?
Am I still showing up, or did I stop after the first week?
Write down three specific actions you can take this week to show up for someone who's grieving. Not "let me know if you need anything." Specific. Actionable. Unasked.
Examples: "I'll bring dinner on Thursday." "I'll text them every Sunday with a memory of the person they lost." "I'll sit with them for an hour this weekend without trying to make them feel better."
Group Practice: Grief Circle (60-90 minutes)
What you'll need: 3-8 people, tissues, patience, willingness to sit with discomfort
Instructions:
Set the container (10 min): Agree on: confidentiality, no fixing, no platitudes, no "at least..." statements, no rushing.
Opening round (15 min): Each person shares: "A loss I'm carrying right now is..." (It doesn't have to be a death.)
Witness (20 min): After each person shares, the group simply says: "We see you. We hear you." Nothing else.
Teach-back (10 min): Read Ring Theory together. Discuss: How can we support each other without centering ourselves?
Practice round (20 min): Each person shares: "What I actually need when I'm grieving is..." Record these. Refer back to them.
Closing commitment (10 min): Each person commits to one action of grief support this week—either for themselves or for someone else.
Note for Solo Learners/If you don't have a group, modify this practice by:
Journal through the prompts.
Write your own "grief needs" list.
Share it with one trusted person.
Before You Move On...
Before You Move On...
Reflection questions to sit with:
What grief are you carrying that you haven't named?
Who in your life needs you to show up right now—not with answers, but with presence?
What would it mean to treat grief as evidence of love rather than something to get over?
Grief doesn't need to be fixed. It needs to be witnessed. That's what love looks like in the hardest moments.
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