Embedded Files
Overview
Overview
RuPaul Charles said, "You can't love anyone else until you love yourself." But what does that mean? How do we do it when society deems us unlovable or tells us we're too much or not enough? When capitalism sells us "self-care" products instead of self-love practices? This module tackles the hardest love: self-love. bell hooks says self-love is "giving ourselves the love we want, dream about receiving from others"—applying care, commitment, knowledge, responsibility, respect, trust to ourselves. This isn't narcissism or bubble baths; it's daily, unglamorous self-care—treating yourself as someone worth nurturing, whose growth and affection matter.
Core Question: How do I actually love myself when I was taught I'm not lovable?
Answer Preview: Self-love is applying the six components of love to yourself. It's learned through practice—affirmations, solitude, boundaries, truth-telling with yourself, and refusing to abandon yourself when things get hard.
Key Concepts
Key Concepts
Self-Love vs. Narcissism: Self-love includes empathy for others and acknowledges flaws; narcissism seeks external validation and denies weakness
Self-Love as Practice, Not Feeling: Like all love, self-love is action—what you do for yourself daily, not how you feel about yourself
Nathaniel Branden's Six Pillars of Self-Esteem: Living consciously, self-acceptance, self-responsibility, self-assertiveness, living purposefully, personal integrity
Affirmations as Tool: Daily truth-telling to counter learned self-hatred and build self-acceptance
Solitude vs. Loneliness: Solitude is healthy and necessary; loneliness is isolation that wounds
Giving Ourselves What We Dream of Receiving: Stopping the fantasy that someone else will save us and becoming our own source of care
Content
Content
[BOOK CHAPTER] bell hooks - All About Love, Chapter 4: "Commitment"
Link: https://dn790000.ca.archive.org/0/items/all-about-love-new-visions-bell/All-About-Love-New-Visions-Bell.pdf
Dedicated chapter on self-love. Why the phrase "you can't love anyone else until you love yourself" is misleading. How patriarchy and capitalism teach self hatred. Practical use of affirmations.
[BLOG POST] "bell hooks on the Work of Self-Love" - STEELE Writing Coach
Link: https://steelecampbell.wordpress.com/2018/02/14/bell-hooks-on-the-work-of-self-love/
Examines hooks' chapter on commitment and self love. Breaks down Nathaniel Branden's Six Pillars of Self-Esteem (self-assertiveness, self-acceptance, living purposefully, personal integrity). Explains how hooks applies these to self love practice.
[ARTICLE] "All About Love" - The Black Book Blog
Link: https://theblackbookblogg.com/all-about-love-bell-hooks/
Personal reflection on reading All About Love. Beautiful section on hooks' distinction between solitude (healthy) and loneliness (harmful). Discusses self isolation patterns and learning to be alone without being lonely.
[ARTICLE] "'Self-love' might seem selfish. But done right, it's the opposite of narcissism" - The Conversation
Link: https://theconversation.com/self-love-might-seem-selfish-but-done-right-its-the-opposite-of-narcissism-205938
Academic article distinguishing healthy self-love from narcissism. Self compassion promotes critical self assessment and growth. Discusses Aristotle, Christian philosophy, and contemporary psychology on self love.
[ARTICLE] "The Thin Line Between Self Love and Narcissism" - Strike Magazine
Link: https://www.strikemagazines.com/blog-2-1/the-thin-line-between-self-love-and-narcissism
College students' perspective on navigating self-love in the social media age. Clear distinction: narcissists never question themselves; self love includes awareness of flaws and owning them. Addresses body image, comparison culture, and perfectionism.
[VIDEO] "Is it Selfish to Love Yourself? (Self-love vs. Narcissism)" - Play With The World
Link: https://youtu.be/1MHFuzvE-BI
Spiritual perspective on self love vs. selfish love. Key distinction: self-love is from the heart (authenticity, connection, growth); selfish love is from the head (control, manipulation, fear). Self love involves accountability; selfish love avoids it.
[BOOK] Nathaniel Branden - "The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem"
Link: https://dn790006.ca.archive.org/0/items/TheSixPillarsOfSelfEsteem_201811/The-Six-Pillars-of-Self-Esteem.pdf
Full PDF of Branden's foundational text on self esteem (referenced by bell hooks). The six pillars: living consciously, self-acceptance, self-responsibility, self-assertiveness, living purposefully, and personal integrity.
[PDF] "The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem" - PhilosophersNotes Summary
Link: https://pdfcoffee.com/70-the-six-pillars-of-self-esteempdf-pdf-free.html
Condensed 5-page summary of Branden's book with Big Ideas and practices. Includes sentence completion exercises to build self esteem. More accessible than the full book for beginners.
[ARTICLE] "tl;dr — All About Love by bell hooks" - Medium
Link: https://medium.com/@andybiar/tl-dr-all-about-love-by-bell-hooks-e43094bfe200
Highlights from All About Love. Strong section on hooks beginning with self love: "No relationship can offer one a sustainable feeling of self acceptance. Self acceptance, and then self love, are the foundations upon which our relationships with others are built."
Supplementary Content
Supplementary Content
Books & Academic Texts
Kristin Neff - Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself
Brené Brown - The Gifts of Imperfection
Video & Audio
Shortform - "The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem Summary": https://www.shortform.com/pdf/the-six-pillars-of-self-esteem-pdf-nathaniel-branden
Reflection and Engagement Options
Reflection and Engagement Options
Journal Prompts
Where did you learn you weren't lovable?
Who taught you that? What did they say or do? How do you carry that lesson in your body today?What love do you dream about receiving from others?
Be specific. What would it look like? How would it feel? Now ask: Am I giving this to myself?Go through the six components (care, commitment, knowledge, responsibility, respect, trust) and rate yourself 1-5 on how well you practice each one toward yourself.
Where are you strongest? Where are you abandoning yourself?bell hooks says to "give ourselves the love we want to receive."
What's one specific way you could practice this today? This week?Write your own affirmation.
What truth do you need to hear daily to counter the lies you were taught about yourself? Don't make it flowery or fake—make it true.Solitude vs. loneliness: Which one are you experiencing right now?
If it's loneliness, what would it take to shift toward healthy solitude?What's the difference between self-love and narcissism for you personally?
Where's the line? How do you know when you've crossed it?Nathaniel Branden's first pillar is "living consciously."
Where in your life are you on autopilot? Where are you avoiding awareness of something you need to face?
Discussion Questions for Learning Communities
Share one thing you were taught about yourself that you're working to unlearn.
How did that teaching show up? How are you practicing self-love to counter it?Let's distinguish: What's self-love? What's narcissism?
Where do you see the culture confusing the two? How do we practice self-love without tipping into narcissism?bell hooks writes that no one else can give you sustainable self-acceptance—you have to give it to yourself.
How does this challenge the narrative that "the right person will love you into loving yourself"?Discuss the six pillars of self-esteem:
Living consciously
Self-acceptance
Self-responsibility
Self-assertiveness
Living purposefully
Personal integrity
Which one is hardest for you? Why?
Affirmations: corny or powerful?
Have you used them? What happened? What makes an affirmation effective vs. just feel-good nonsense?How do you practice solitude?
What's the difference between healthy alone time and isolating yourself when you're overwhelmed?For those socialized as women: How were you taught to prioritize others' needs over your own?
How does that block self-love? What would it look like to practice self-love without guilt?For those socialized as men: How were you taught to see self-love as weakness or selfishness?
How does that show up? What would it look like to be vulnerable with yourself?
Creative & Artistic Engagement:
Visual Arts
Create a self-portrait that embodies self-love (not how you look, but how you feel when you're being loving to yourself).
Make a visual representation of the six pillars of self-esteem. What images, colors, symbols represent each?
Design a series of affirmation cards for yourself—write your truth and illustrate it.
Performance & Movement
Create a movement piece: first, embody how you treat yourself when you're abandoning yourself. Then, embody how you move when you're practicing self-love. Notice the difference.
Practice mirror work: Stand in front of a mirror and speak your affirmation aloud while making eye contact with yourself. How does it feel?
Choreograph a solo exploring the journey from self-hatred to self-love.
Music & Sound
Create a "Self-Love in Action" playlist—songs that remind you to care for yourself, not just feel good about yourself.
Write a love letter to yourself in the form of a song or poem.
Compose a sound piece that starts with dissonance (self-criticism) and resolves into harmony (self-acceptance).
Digital & Tech
Create a daily affirmation app or digital reminder system for yourself.
Design an Instagram/TikTok series: "Self-Love vs. Narcissism"—short educational content breaking down the difference.
Build a self-love tracker: What are the daily practices? How consistently are you doing them?
Community Art
Host an affirmation-writing circle where people write affirmations for each other based on what they see in each other.
Create a community zine collecting people's self-love practices and affirmations.
Organize a public art project: "What I Was Taught vs. What I'm Learning" about self-love and worth.
Writing & Documentation
Write a letter to your younger self explaining that you are lovable, even when people taught you otherwise.
Document a week of practicing one pillar of self-esteem. What changed?
Write an essay: "The Difference Between Taking Care of Myself and Loving Myself."
Homework
Homework
Solo Practice: Seven-Day Affirmation Practice (15-20 minutes/day)
What you'll need: Journal, pen, mirror, commitment to seven consecutive days
Instructions:
Day 1: Identify the lie you were taught - Write down: "I was taught that I am..." Complete this sentence 5-10 times with the negative messages you internalized about yourself. - Examples: "I was taught that I am too sensitive." "I was taught that I am not smart enough." "I was taught that my needs are a burden."
Day 2: Write the counter-truth - For each lie from Day 1, write the truth that counters it. - Example: If you wrote "I was taught that I am too sensitive," write "I feel deeply, and that is a strength, not a flaw." - Choose the ONE truth you need to hear most. This becomes your affirmation.
Day 3-7: Daily affirmation practice - Every morning, stand in front of a mirror. - Make eye contact with yourself. - Say your affirmation out loud three times. - Notice: How does it feel? Does it feel true? Does it feel uncomfortable? Where do you feel it in your body?
End of seven days: Reflection - Has anything shifted? Even slightly? - Did the affirmation start to feel more true? - What resistance came up? What got easier?
Note from bell hooks: She initially found affirmations "corny," but her sister convinced her to try them. They restored her emotional equilibrium. Give it a real try, not a half-hearted attempt.
Group Practice: Self-Love vs. Self-Abandonment Conversation (60-90 minutes)
What you'll need: 3-8 people, comfortable space, willingness to be honest.
Instructions:
Opening round (10 min):
Go around. Each person shares: "One way I abandon myself is..." No commentary, just listen.Teach-back: The six components (15 min):
Someone reads aloud the six components of love: care, commitment, knowledge, responsibility, respect, and trust.
Together, brainstorm: What does each one look like when applied to yourself?Care for self: Feeding yourself well, resting when needed, protecting your peace
Commitment to self: Showing up for yourself even when it's hard, not giving up on your growth
Knowledge of self: Being curious about your patterns, knowing what you need
Responsibility for self: Owning your feelings, not making others responsible for your healing
Respect for self: Honoring your boundaries, not betraying your values
Trust in self: Keeping promises to yourself, being reliable for yourself
Practice round: Applying the components (20 min):
Each person picks ONE component they struggle with most.
Share: "I struggle with [component] because..." and "One way I could practice it this week is..."Affirmation exchange (20 min):
Pair up. Each person tells their partner one negative belief they hold about themselves.
The partner writes an affirmation for a counter truth based on what they actually see in the person.
Exchange affirmations. Read them aloud to each other.Closing commitments (10 min):
Go around one last time. Each person states: "This week, I commit to one act of self-love: [specific action]."
Examples:"I commit to eating at least one meal a day sitting down, not standing at the counter."
"I commit to saying no to one thing I don't want to do."
"I commit to going to bed by 11pm three nights this week."
Check-in plan (5 min):
Decide when/how you'll check in with each other about your commitments. Accountability matters.
Note for Solo Learners/If you don't have a group, modify this practice by:
Do steps 1-3 by journaling.
For step 4, write your own affirmation for yourself.
For steps 5-6, write your commitment and set a calendar reminder to check in with yourself in one week.
Before You Move On...
Before You Move On...
Reflection questions to sit with:
What's one specific way you abandoned yourself this week? What would it have looked like to stay?
Which of the six pillars of self esteem do you need to practice most right now?
What's your affirmation? The one truth you need to tell yourself daily?
You were taught you are not lovable. That was a lie. You are learning to give yourself the love you were denied. That is the work. That is self love.
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