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Overview
Overview
Most of us haven't been taught what love truly is. We use the word often but lack a clear definition. We confuse love with feelings, emotional investment, romance, and sacrifice. We're told love "just happens'—it's instinctual and uncontrollable. But what if that's false? What if love is a choice, a practice, something we learn? This module presents bell hooks' definition of love, inspired by M. Scott Peck and Erich Fromm, with six key components: care, commitment, knowledge, responsibility, respect, and trust. We'll examine how viewing love as a verb rather than a noun shifts our understanding everything.
Core Question: How do I know if what I'm experiencing is actually love? What should I be looking for?
Answer Preview: Love is a choice and an action. It's the will to extend yourself for spiritual growth—yours and others'—made visible through specific, observable practices.
Key Concepts
Key Concepts
Love as Verb, Not Noun: Why treating love as an action (something we do) rather than a feeling (something that happens to us) demands accountability
The Working Definition: "The will to extend one's self for the purpose of nurturing one's own or another's spiritual growth" (M. Scott Peck/Erich Fromm)
The Six Components: Care, commitment, knowledge, responsibility, respect, and trust as the observable elements of love
Cathexis vs. Love: The difference between emotional investment and actual loving action
Love and Abuse Cannot Coexist: Why harm is incompatible with the definition of love
Love as Choice: Will, intention, and the decision to practice love daily
Content
Content
[BOOK EXCERPT] bell hooks - All About Love, Chapter 1: "Clarity: Give Love Words"
Link: https://dn790000.ca.archive.org/0/items/all-about-love-new-visions-bell/All-About-Love-New-Visions-Bell.pdf
M. Scott Peck's definition and why we need shared language about love. How we confuse cathexis with love. The six components explained: care, affection, recognition, respect, commitment, trust, and honest communication.
[ARTICLE] "A Love Letter to Love: Remembering bell hooks" - The Sociological Review
Link: https://thesociologicalreview.org/reviews/a-love-letter-to-love/
Personal essay on discovering hooks' work. How love as a verb shifts from lovelessness toward an ethic of love—beautiful reflection on hooks' impact.
[VIDEO] Brad Troeger - "What is love?" TED-Ed
Link: https://www.ted.com/talks/brad_troeger_what_is_love
Animated explainer on different definitions of love across disciplines. Love as "a verb, a noun, a universal truth, an ideal, a neurological phenomenon." Good for sparking discussion about what we mean when we say "love."
[VIDEO] Cynthia Ong - "Redefining how we love" TEDx
Link: https://www.ted.com/talks/cynthia_ong_redefining_how_we_love
Personal story of unlearning love as sacrifice and redefining it through own values. First-generation immigrant perspective on inheriting love languages.
[VIDEO] Shannon Odell - "The science of falling in love" TED-Ed
Link: https://ed.ted.com/lessons/the-science-of-falling-in-love-shannon-odell
What happens in your brain when you fall in love. How it responds to relationships and breakups. Neurochemistry and brain systems. Helps distinguish between brain chemistry (cathexis) and loving action.
[BLOG POST] Austin Kleon - "We are verbs, not nouns"
Link: https://austinkleon.com/2018/11/09/we-are-verbs-not-nouns/
Creative writer's perspective on "forget the noun, do the verb." Includes bell hooks quote and R. Buckminster Fuller. Applies to identity and love alike.
[ARTICLE] "Love is a Verb, Not a Noun" - Leah Niehaus
Link: https://www.leahmniehaus.com/lighter-touch-with-leah/love-is-a-verb-not-a-noun
Therapist's reflection on love as active practice in parenting and marriage. References Brené Brown and the Gottmans. Practical application questions.
Supplementary Content:
Supplementary Content:
Books & Academic Texts
Erich Fromm - The Art of Loving (Internet Archive): https://archive.org/details/TheArtOfLoving
M. Scott Peck - The Road Less Traveled
The Buddhist-Christian Love Ethics of bell hooks (Fortress Press Blog): https://blog.fortresspress.com/the-buddhist-christian-love-ethics-of-bell-hooks
Podcasts & Audio
Brené Brown - Unlocking Us: John and Julie Gottman: https://brenebrown.com/podcast/brene-with-drs-john-and-julie-gottman-on-what-makes-love-last/
TED Talk - Scotte Burns: "What is Love? Heart and Soul": https://www.ted.com/talks/scotte_burns_what_is_love_heart_and_soul
Reflection and Engagement Options
Reflection and Engagement Options
Journal Prompts
Private reflection—write for yourself, not for an audience:
Write your own definition of love before reading bell hooks' definition.
Where did your definition come from? Who taught you that?Now write bell hooks' definition in your own words.
"The will to extend one's self for the purpose of nurturing one's own or another's spiritual growth." What does "spiritual growth" mean to you? (It doesn't have to be religious.)Think about a relationship where you felt deeply invested emotionally (cathexis) but were not actually being loved or loving.
How did you know the difference? What was present? What was missing?bell hooks says, "Love and abuse cannot coexist."
How does this challenge or confirm your experiences? What relationships need to be reconsidered through this lens?Go through the six components: care, commitment, knowledge, responsibility, respect, and trust.
Which ones are easiest for you to practice? Which ones are hardest? Why?"We do not have to love. We choose to love."
Where in your life are you choosing love right now? Where are you choosing something else (obligation, fear, habit, comfort)?
Discussion Questions for Learning Communities
For group discussion:
What's the difference between saying "I love you" (noun) and actively loving someone (verb)?
Share examples from your life where you've experienced this distinction.bell hooks writes that most of us were never taught a clear definition of love.
What were you taught love was? Where did those lessons come from (family, media, religion, culture)?Let's break down each component: care, commitment, knowledge, responsibility, respect, trust.
As a group, define each one in your own words. What does each look like in practice?hooks emphasizes that love requires "honest and open communication."
Why is lying incompatible with love? How have you seen dishonesty destroy loving relationships?The concept of cathexis: deeply investing feelings in someone without actually loving them.
Why do we confuse this with love? What makes cathexis feel so much like love?"Love is as love does."
What are the observable behaviors that demonstrate love? How do we know when we're being loved vs. being told we're loved?If love is a choice and a practice, not an instinct, what does that mean for relationships that feel effortless?
Are they actually effortless, or are both people choosing the practice daily?
Creative & Artistic Engagement:
Visual Arts
Create a visual representation of the six components (care, commitment, knowledge, responsibility, respect, trust). What colors, shapes, and symbols represent each one?
Make two contrasting images: "love as noun" vs. "love as verb." What's the difference visually?
Design an infographic explaining hooks' definition that you could share with someone who's never heard it.
Performance & Movement
Create a movement piece where each of the six components has its own gesture or movement quality. String them together.
Work with a partner: practice embodying each component. What does "care" look like in the body? What about "knowledge"?
Choreograph a solo exploring the difference between cathexis (intense emotion, investment) and love (intentional action).
Music & Sound
Create a "Love as Action" playlist with songs that demonstrate love as choice and practice (not just feeling). Examples: "Lean on Me" (care), "Stand by Me" (commitment), "I'll Be There" (responsibility).
Write or find lyrics that exemplify each of the six components. Create a spoken word piece weaving them together.
Compose a sound piece that begins chaotic (confusion about what love is) and resolves into clarity (the working definition).
Digital & Tech
Create a Twitter/Instagram thread breaking down hooks' definition in bite-sized pieces for social media.
Design a quiz: "Is this love or cathexis?" with scenarios that help people distinguish between emotional investment and loving action.
Build a simple app or spreadsheet tracker: daily check-in on the six components in your relationships.
Community Art
Host a "define love" event where community members write their definitions on a large shared canvas or wall before being introduced to hooks' definition.
Create a community zine collecting people's stories of when they first understood love as action vs. feeling.
Organize a public reading circle where people read excerpts from All About Love and discuss.
Writing & Documentation
Write a letter to your younger self explaining what love actually is (using hooks' definition).
Document a week of your life, noting every time you choose to practice love (care, commitment, etc.) vs. times you could have but didn't.
Write an essay: "What I Thought Love Was vs. What I Now Know Love Is."
Homework
Homework
Solo Practice: The Six Components Self-Assessment (30-40 minutes)
What you'll need: Paper/journal, pen, honesty, bell hooks' six components list.
Instructions:
Write out the six components:
Care (extending yourself to nurture)
Commitment (ongoing daily practice)
Knowledge (being curious and accepting)
Responsibility (owning your power)
Respect (valuing someone as they are)
Trust (being vulnerable and honest)
Pick 3 important relationships in your life (could be romantic, friendship, family, chosen family, etc.).
For each relationship, rate yourself 1-5 on each component:
1 = This is mostly absent in how I show up
3 = This is sometimes present
5 = This is consistently present in my actions
Notice patterns:
Which components are you strongest at across relationships?
Which are weakest?
Do certain relationships bring out different components?
Where are you practicing love most fully? Where least?
Choose ONE component to practice more intentionally this week.
Write down: What would it look like to strengthen this component in one specific relationship? What's one small action you could take?Flip it: Rate these same relationships based on how others show up for you.
Where are you receiving all six components? Where are you not? What does that tell you about whether you're being loved vs. being told you're loved?
Group Practice: Defining Love Together (60-90 minutes)
What you'll need: 3-8 people, large paper or whiteboard, markers.
Instructions:
Start with individual definitions (10 min):
Everyone writes privately: "Love is..." Complete the sentence. Don't think too hard, just write what comes.Share out (20 min):
Go around the circle. Each person shares their definition. No commentary yet, just listen. Someone records keywords/themes on the large paper.Introduce hooks' definition (10 min):
Read hooks' definition aloud together: "The will to extend one's self for the purpose of nurturing one's own or another's spiritual growth."
Read the six components: care, commitment, knowledge, responsibility, respect, trust.Compare and contrast (20 min):
What's similar between what your group said and what hooks says?
What's different?
What's missing from your original definitions?
What does hooks' definition challenge about how you've understood love?
Practice applying it (20 min):
Go around again. Each person shares: "One relationship where I've been experiencing cathexis (strong feelings, emotional investment) but not actually practicing love is..." OR "One relationship where I'm practicing love even when it's hard is..."Create a group commitment (10 min):
Together, write one sentence that captures what your group is committing to practice. Post it somewhere you'll all see it. Examples:"We commit to being honest with each other, even when it's uncomfortable (trust)."
"We commit to showing up consistently, not just when it's convenient (commitment)."
"We commit to asking questions and being curious about each other's growth (knowledge)."
Note for Solo Learners/If you don't have a group, modify this practice by:
Do steps 1-4 by yourself.
For step 5, journal about both prompts.
For step 6, write yourself a commitment statement and put it somewhere you'll see daily.
Before You Move On...
Before You Move On...
Before you move to Module 3, sit with these questions:
How has your understanding of love shifted after this module?
Which of the six components feels most urgent for you to practice right now?
What's one relationship where you want to start showing love as action, not just feeling?
Love is not something that happens to you. It's something you choose to practice, daily, with intention. That choice is where your power lives.
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