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Overview
Overview
We often see friendship as less important than romance or family, but bell hooks highlights its significance: "Friendship is where many of us first experience redemptive love and caring community." Friendships teach us love and acceptance, and we can practice the six components without complex power dynamics. Yet, we invest little in understanding how to make friendships work, why they are hard to maintain, and how to show up for friends. This module views friendship as a form of radical love, exploring why adult friendships are difficult, how to practice the six components of friendship, and why they should not be seen as "lesser" relationships.
Core Question: Why is it so hard to make and keep friends as an adult? How do I show up as a loving friend?
Answer Preview: Friendship is a practice, not a convenience. It requires the same six components as any other loving relationship: care, commitment, knowledge, responsibility, respect, and trust. The culture devalues friendship, but that doesn't mean you have to.
Key Concepts
Key Concepts
Friendship as First Love: How friendship is often our earliest experience of chosen, mutual love
The Hierarchy of Relationships: Why we're taught to prioritize romance over friendship—and why that's a lie
Adult Friendship Deficit: Why making and keeping friends as adults is structurally harder than it needs to be
Codependence vs. Interdependence: How losing friends when we enter romantic relationships is a symptom of unhealthy patterns
Friendship and the Six Components: Applying care, commitment, knowledge, responsibility, respect, and trust to our friendships
Chosen Family: When friends become the family we choose and build
Content
Content
[BOOK CHAPTER] bell hooks - All About Love: New Visions, Chapters 8-9: "Community: Loving Communion" and "Mutuality: The Heart of Love"
Link: https://dn790000.ca.archive.org/0/items/all-about-love-new-visions-bell/All-About-Love-New-Visions-Bell.pdf
How friendships serve as models for all loving relationships. Why is community the soil where love grows? Why mutuality—shared commitment to growth—is essential.
[PODCAST] "Dear Nina: Conversations About Friendship" - Nina Badzin
Each episode explores questions about friendships we tend not to ask ourselves as adults.
[ARTICLE] "The Friendship Recession" - Survey Center on American Life
Link: https://www.americansurveycenter.org/research/the-state-of-american-friendship-change-challenges-and-loss/
Major research report on the decline of American friendships. Data on how many Americans report having no close friends (a number that has quadrupled since 1990). Breakdown by gender, age, and race.
[PODCAST EPISODE] "Why "We Should Hangout" Won't Make You Real Friends" - Life Kit, NPR
Link: https://www.npr.org/transcripts/nx-s1-5704760
A great conversation about friendship with 4 tangible takeaways on how to make new real friends.
[VIDEO] Shasta Nelson - "Frientimacy: The 3 Requirements of All Healthy Friendships" TEDx
Link: https://www.ted.com/talks/shasta_nelson_frientimacy_the_3_requirements_of_all_healthy_friendships
Friendship researcher on the three requirements: positivity, consistency, and vulnerability. A framework for understanding why some friendships thrive while others fade.
[Collection of Video Playlists] TEDx Friendship Playlist Compilations
Link: https://www.ted.com/topics/friendship
Supplementary Content
Supplementary Content
Books & Academic Texts
Aminatou Sow & Ann Friedman - Big Friendship: How We Keep Each Other Close
Marisa G Franco - Platonic: How the Science of Attachment Can Help You Make & Keep Friends
Video & Audio
TEDx Friendship Playlist Compilations: https://www.ted.com/topics/friendship
Reflection and Engagement Options
Reflection and Engagement Options
Journal Prompts
Who is the best friend you've ever had? What made that friendship work? Which of the six components were present? Which were missing?
bell hooks writes that "there is no special love exclusively reserved for romantic partners." How does this challenge the hierarchy of relationships you were taught?
When was the last time you told a friend you loved them? What made that easy or hard? What would change if you treated your friendships with the same intentionality as your romantic relationships?
Have you ever "dropped" a friend when you entered a romantic relationship? What happened? What did you lose? What would you do differently now?
Map your current friendships using the six components. Where are you being a loving friend? Where are you phoning it in? Where is someone loving you well? Where are you settling for less?
What's one friendship that needs your attention right now? What's the smallest possible action you could take this week to show up for that person?
Discussion Questions for Learning Communities
bell hooks says friendship is where most of us first experience redemptive love. Is that true for you? What was your first experience of being chosen by someone?
Why do we treat friendship as less important than romance? Where did that hierarchy come from? What would change if we invested in friendships the way we invest in romantic relationships?
Research shows Americans have fewer close friends than ever. What structural forces contribute to this? What personal patterns?
How do gender, race, and class shape friendship? Are there things you can talk about with some friends but not others? Why?
What's the difference between a friend and an acquaintance? Where's the line? What moves someone from one category to the other?
When have you been a bad friend? Not to shame yourself—but to get honest about where you've failed to practice love in friendship.
What would "friendship as political practice" look like? How is choosing to be a good friend an act of resistance against isolation?
Creative & Artistic Engagement:
Visual Arts
Create a "friendship timeline" mapping your closest friendships over your life. What patterns do you notice? Who stayed? Who left? Why?
Design a friendship "report card"—not to grade anyone, but to honestly assess how you're showing up across the six components.
Performance & Movement
With a friend: do a mirroring exercise. One person moves, the other follows. Then switch. What does it feel like to lead? To follow? To be in sync?
Choreograph a duet that explores the rhythms of friendship—coming close, pulling apart, finding each other again.
Music & Sound
Create a "Friendship Anthem" playlist—songs about friendship that go beyond the sentimental. Songs about showing up, fighting for someone, telling the truth.
Call a friend and record a conversation about what your friendship means to each of you. (With their permission.) Listen back.
Digital & Tech
Create a social media post series: "What a Good Friend Actually Looks Like" using the six components framework.
Build a simple tracking system for yourself: Are you reaching out to your close friends regularly? How often?
Community Art
Host a "Friendship Appreciation Night" where people bring one friend and publicly share what that friend means to them.
Create a collaborative mural or collage about what a good friendship looks like in your community.
Writing & Documentation
Write a letter to your best friend that you actually send. Tell them specifically how they love you through action.
Write about a friendship that ended. What happened? What did you learn? What would you do differently?
Write speculative fiction: what would a society look like that valued friendship as much as romance?
Homework
Homework
Solo Practice: Friendship Audit (30-40 minutes)
What you'll need: Paper/journal, pen, your phone's contact list
Instructions:
List your 5 closest friends. If you can't list 5, that's data—not a judgment.
For each friend, answer honestly:
When did I last reach out to them? (Not respond—initiated)
Do they know what's going on in my life right now?
Do I know what's going on in theirs?
Which of the six components am I practicing well? Which am I neglecting?
Is this friendship mutual? Am I doing most of the work, or are they?
Identify one friendship that's fading. Not because of conflict—just neglect. Write down: What would it take to revive it? Is it worth reviving?
Identify one friendship that nourishes you. How do you protect it? How do you invest in it?
Take one action today. Text someone. Call someone. Send a voice memo. Make a plan. Don't just think about it—do something.
Group Practice: Friendship Commitment Circle (60-90 minutes)
What you'll need: 3-8 friends (ideally people who already know each other), a space to talk
Instructions:
Opening round (15 min): Each person shares: "What I need from friendship right now is..."
Teach-back (10 min): Read bell hooks' quote together: "Friendship is the place in which a great majority of us have our first glimpse of redemptive love and caring community." Discuss: Is this true for you?
Honest conversation (30 min): Each person shares one thing they wish they did better as a friend. No defending, no minimizing. Just honesty.
Commitment round (15 min): Each person makes a specific, actionable commitment to the group. Examples:
"I commit to reaching out to each of you at least once a month."
"I commit to being honest when I'm struggling instead of disappearing."
"I commit to not canceling plans at the last minute unless it's an actual emergency."
Accountability (10 min): Decide how you'll hold each other accountable. Group text? Monthly dinner? Shared calendar reminder?
Note for Solo Learners/If you don't have a group, modify this practice by:
Journal through steps 1-3.
For step 4, write a commitment to yourself about one friendship you'll invest in.
Set a recurring reminder.
Before You Move On...
Before You Move On...
Reflection questions to sit with:
Who are the friends who love you through action, not just words?
Where have you been treating friendship as disposable when it deserves to be treated as sacred?
What's one way you can show up for a friend this week that requires effort, not just convenience?
Friendship is not a consolation prize for people who don't have romance. It's where we learn to love. Invest accordingly.
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