shadows and light

maybe i haven’t found my people yet.
maybe that’s why i’ve been holding on to friendships so tightly lately.
not because i am desperate for one,
or afraid of losing one,
but because the thought of belonging—
of having a place in this vast, unreachable universe—
feels like air when you’ve been underwater too long.

i’ve been looking back on the friendships i’ve had,
replaying the faces and the moments,
the laughter and the silences.
and if there’s one pattern i can’t seem to ignore,
it’s this: i often find myself in trios.

in elementary, it was me and two of the brightest kids in class.
in high school, it was me and two best friends who everyone seemed to know.
later, it was me and two more who carried their own light into every room.
and if there’s one thread that ties all those friendships together,
it’s this: i was the one who seemed to fade.
the shadow.
the one who lingered a step behind while the others walked side by side.

sometimes i wonder if it’s because i was not enough.
other times i wonder if it was because i was too much.
too quiet. too different.
too invisible in ways that nobody else noticed except me.

but here’s what i’m learning:
being left behind in friendships does not mean i am unworthy of belonging.
it just means i haven’t yet stumbled into the place where my presence doesn’t feel like an afterthought.

and maybe that’s the thing about belonging—
it isn’t something you beg for or chase after.
it’s something that unfolds quietly,
when you’re no longer shrinking yourself to fit into a space that was never built for you.

so if you’ve ever felt like the shadow in your own friendships,
remember this: shadows exist only because there is light.
and one day, you will find the kind of people who will not just stand in the light with you,
but turn toward you and say,
you are the reason this light feels like home.

maybe i haven’t found my people yet.
but maybe they are still out there, searching for me too.

“to be left behind does not mean you are lost.
it only means you are still on your way.”