"--healing is weird when you are used to chaos"

The concept of healing feels strange when chaos has been a constant presence in my life for so long. Childhood was a time of constant change and challenge, with trials appearing one after another, testing my resilience and shaping my worldview.

At the tender age of 8, I found myself thrust into a whirlwind of adversity. Bullies made school a battleground, friends distanced themselves, and at home, the air was thick with tension as my parents grappled with their own struggles. To top it off, my teacher's verbal abuse cut deep, leaving scars that took time to heal. Amidst it all, the sudden loss of my beloved grandmother added another layer of grief to an already overwhelming situation.

As the chaos intensified, I felt like I was drowning in a sea of uncertainty and despair. The weight of it all was suffocating, leaving me feeling lost and alone. Nights were spent silently crying in the bathroom, seeking solace in solitude but finding only the echo of my own pain.

And just when I thought things couldn't get any worse, life delivered another blow. Two years ago, my world was shattered once again with the sudden passing of my father and the loss of our cherished family pets. The pain was raw and unrelenting, threatening to engulf me entirely. Even now, the memories weigh heavily on my heart, a constant reminder of the fragility of life and the enduring nature of grief.

Yet, amidst the darkness, there are glimmers of light. Sharing my struggles with others, though daunting at first, has been an empowering experience. Each obstacle I've faced has been a stepping stone, shaping me into the person I am today. While our individual stories may differ, there's a shared humanity in our experiences, a sense of solidarity that reminds us we're not alone in our struggles.

But healing is a complex journey, one that's often fraught with uncertainty and doubt. Growing up in a chaotic environment taught me to bury my emotions deep, to silence my thoughts in order to survive. And while I've made progress, there are still moments when the weight of the past feels overwhelming, when the scars of old wounds ache anew.

Yet, amidst the chaos, there is hope. Engaging in creative pursuits like drawing, reading, and crafting has been a lifeline, offering moments of peace and respite in the midst of the storm. Even in the darkest of times, there is beauty to be found, joy to be embraced. And it's this glimmer of hope that fuels my journey toward healing, reminding me that even in the midst of chaos, there is the possibility of peace.

"Sometimes healing comes in the form of embracing the pain, not just moving past it." - Unknown

with love, ligaya | 031924