Thoughts

  • Genius may be 1% inspiration and 99% perspiration but without the inspiration, the rest is just pointless sweat.
  • There is no more ridiculous sight on Earth than the sight of English people trying to enjoy themselves.
  • "Money talks" is just the first two words of a three-word phrase.
  • Men are from Mars, women are from Venus and businessmen are from Uranus.
  • In our society, the suit is the uniform of the predator.
  • The phrase "political correctness" starts with the word 'political'. Think about that...
  • If you want to sum up England in one word, try 'Titanic' or 'Somme'.
  • Taking the pi** a bit is OK, but taking the pi** too much is just taking the pi**.
  • Everything else in England might be shi*, but at least you can rely on the weather.
  • Rock rapes but jazz seduces.
  • The world would be a better place if we reduced the voting age to sixteen. And made that the maximum age.
  • The upper classes 'eff and blind' as happily as the working classes. The only ones who don't are the middle classes, which is odd considering they aspire to be a class above themselves.
  • Women accuse men of never growing up, then slag them off for the only adult thing they like doing.
  • The only women to gain any more respect over the last thirty years are women who act like men. Soft women who tend their children wearing floral frocks have no more respect now than they ever had, and arguably a damned sight less.
  • I have everything it takes to be a tortured genius except the talent.
  • Anybody in a suit is up to no good.
  • I used to be an angry young man, but I matured. Now I'm bloody furious.
  • Life is awful and the human race is insane. Thank God for the ants.
  • The reason I don't run amok with an automatic weapon is my deep religious conviction. And the fact that I don't have any automatic weapons.
  • I don't like myself. I'm a pillock. But not for any of the reasons the world thinks.
  • If you assume that everyone you meet is insane, you probably won't be wrong - and on the odd occasion you are... WHAT A TREAT!
  • Do this - see if you can think of a single positive reason you would ever be approached by someone in a suit.
  • Technology is a great boom to the mediocre.
  • Every consensus is wrong. Every group - political or social, worldly or spiritual - is wrong somehow, and every organisation corrupt, inept or both. It's the true legacy of original sin.
  • Books are portable, work anywhere, don't need batteries, don't crash, don't wear out and never become obsolete. If they had been invented after technology, they'd be the wonder of the age.
  • Anyone who doubts the existence of God is simply not paying attention.
  • Advertisers seem to think we're pig-thick, gullible morons. And advertising works.
  • Contrary to popular opinion, thinking is a good thing. But it's like sex - once you've started, you don't stop halfway through, you keep going until you reach a satisfactory conclusion.
  • I never understood the concept of 'casual sex'. Sex always made me feel about as casual as a black soul singer with Tourette's Syndrome who has just woken up right in the middle of an extremely well-attended Ku Klux Klan rally.
  • The only reliable thing about most experts is that they haven't got the faintest idea what they're talking about.
  • The next time you wonder whether animals are intelligent, ask yourself how many of them have mortgages.
  • Music is God's greatest gift to mankind.
  • Knowledge can give you the chords of a song or the ingredients of a cake but making either of them palatable takes understanding.
  • If Jesus could see the way same so-called Christians behave today, he'd be turning in his grave.
  • When push comes to shove, most men's favourite activity is pushing, shoving and coming.
  • Anyone who sees other human beings as 'targets' should be used as one. By the army.
  • Have you noticed how only businessmen and gangsters describe themselves as 'businessmen'?
  • We used to say "live and let live". We didn't always live by it, but at least we said it. Now we don't even do that. God bless progress.
  • Technology has given us the power to lie, cheat and steal globally at the speed of light.
  • I want to die before Richard Dawkins, just so I get to see the look on his face when he arrives.
  • If science was really about investigation, scientists would not simply refuse to accept the possibility of something they have already decided is impossible. But they do, so it isn't.
  • Some people say if there are such things as "women's problems" there should be "men's problems" too. There are. Women.
  • Sex is a 'fingers crossed' activity for women. For men, it's a foregone conclusion.
  • What will become of memory now we have the internet?
  • I have a favourite brand of kitchen towel. How sad is that?
  • The most valuable thing on the internet is the pornography. For the first time in history, young people can't be kept in ignorance about the birds and the bees.
  • Adam's troubles started with Eve. Not because she was a woman, but because he suddenly had someone else around to talk him into making stupid choices.
  • The word 'psychotherapist' can also be pronounced 'psycho the rapist'. Coincidence?
  • Billy Connolly reckons every man has looked into a mirror at least once and gone "Yeah, looking good!". Billy's wrong.
  • If we all despise lawyers so much, what makes it such a "good job"?
  • In the old west, the winners were the ones who could afford the best gunmen. Now it's whoever can afford the best lawyers. Quieter, perhaps, but just as brutal.
  • The music 'industry' is no such thing. Industries make things; record companies and publishers sell things other people make, making them business not industries. Really, it's very simple.
  • The fact that we call co-operative musicians an 'industry' and competitive bankers a 'community' proves we have no clue what we are talking about.
  • We used to have junk shops full of antiques. Now we've got antique shops full of junk.
  • Once, Radio Three was the staid, conservative station. Now it's the lone rebel. Funny how things change...
  • Sex is about the only human activity left that hasn't been entirely stripped of it's humanity.
  • Romance is all very charming and sophisticated, but its inevitable conclusion is two people rutting like animals to satisfy their own carnal desire, then mortgages.
  • Beauty is truth, truth beauty. Respect neither and you breed brutality. That's what made this country what it is today.
  • Money makes the world go round and round in ever decreasing circles finally disappearing up its own arse.
  • Most of what we call music isn't music at all. It's noise. Pleasant or unpleasant, but noise anyway.
  • 'Illegal' once implied doing something that was harmful to others, like murder, assault, robbery, burglary, blackmail or rape. Our current problems started the day we accepted that it was 'illegal' to park on some yellow paint.
  • Never 'assume' anything because you'll almost certainly be wrong.