Producer Helen Kaye-Watts
Director Kendall St. Clair
Technical Director John Rosauer
THE SPIRIT OF HROTHSWITHA Kendall St. Clair
NARRATOR Helen Kaye-Watts
THE EMPEROR DIOCLETIAN. Tony Howe
AGAPE. (Love) Sybil Jack
CHIONIA. (Purity - The 'snowy' one) Catherine Walton
IRENE. (Peace) LĂ©onie Harris
DULCITIUS (Governor of Thessalonica) Luke Kendall
WIFE TO DULCITIUS. Diana Andruska
COUNT SISINNIUS. John Ward
SOLDIER 1 (Ex Centurion Training Corps) Matthew Glozier
SOLDIER 2 (A coarse Digger) Jon Marshall
SOLDIER 3. (Another Squaddie) Nicholas Alexandrou
SCENE I The Emperor's Audience Chamber
NARRATOR: Friends, Romans - chickens - lend me your ears! SMRG presents its annual Christmas play. Spectacular, Spectacular! Or, if you prefer, Three Holy Virgins and a Chicken. What follows is the story of three virtuous but misguided virgins, the Charlie's Angels of the third century, who ran afoul - in more ways than one, of the Roman Governor Dulcitius. It's a story of drama, delusion, dare we say it - sex - and a chicken! Without further ado let us enter the audience chamber of the Emperor Diocletian who is about to make our virtuous virginal visions an offer he thinks they can't refuse.
DIOCLETIAN. The pure and famous race to which you belong - and (looks Agape up and down and obviously crosses his fingers) . . . er . . . your own . . . er . . 'rare beauty' - make it fitting that you should be wedded to the highest in our court. We decree this should be so . . . (pauses thoughtfully) . . . on the condition that you first promise to deny your Christ and sacrifice to the gods.
AGAPE. We beg you not to concern yourself about us, and it is useless to make preparations for our marriage. Nothing can make us deny that Name which all should confess, or let our purity be stained.
DIOCLETIAN. What does this madness mean?
AGAPE. What sign of madness do you see in us? We're not bonkers!
DIOCLETIAN. It is clear enough.
AGAPE. In what way are we mad? We don't think we're nuts!
NARRATOR: You're being offered a single, heterosexual male and you're turning him down? (beat) You obviously don't live in Sydney . . .
DIOCLETIAN. Is it not bonkers and totally nuts to give up practising an ancient religion and run after this silly new Christian superstition?
AGAPE. You are bold to slander the majesty of Almighty God. It is dangerous.
DIOCLETIAN. Dangerous? To whom?
AGAPE. To you, and to the state you rule.
DIOCLETIAN. The girl raves. Guards! Take her away!
[SFX Soldiers march forward. sound of short struggle, a slap and male oaths. Footsteps retreating.]
CHIONIA. My sister does not rave. She is right!
DIOCLETIAN. This frenzied girl seems even more violent than the other! Take her away too, and we will question the third.
SFX Soldiers march forward. another short struggle, a slap and male oaths. Footsteps retreating.
IRENE. You will find her as rebellious and as determined to resist as the rest!
DIOCLET. Wheedling Irene, you are the youngest in years. Show yourself the oldest in dignity
IRENE. Pray tell me how.
DIOCLETIAN. Bow your head to the gods, and set an example to your sisters. It may change their minds and so give them their freedom.
IRENE (Snootily) Let those who wish to provoke the wrath of the Most High prostrate themselves before idols ! I will not dishonour this head which has been anointed with baptismal oil by abasing it at the feet of images. So there!
DIOCLET. Patiently The worship of the gods does not bring dishonour to those who practice it, but, on the contrary, the greatest honour.
IRENE. What shame is more disgraceful, what disgrace more shameful than when a slave is venerated as a lord?
DIOCLET. snappily I do not ask you to worship slaves, but the gods of princes and the rulers of the earth.
IRENE. A god who can be bought cheap in the market-place, what is he but a slave?
DIOCLETIAN. Bah! Enough of this presumptuous chatter. The rack shall put an end to it! (Evil chuckle) Heh heh heh!
IRENE. That is what we desire. We ask nothing better than to suffer the most cruel tortures for the love of Christ.
NARRATOR The first ever manifestation of S and M?
DIOCLETIAN. Let these obstinate women, who dare to defy our authority, be laden with chains and thrown into a dungeon. Let them be examined by . . . Governor Dulcitius!
[SFX Dum dum da!!!]
Guards!
NARRATOR: Maybe we should rename this production 'Sex and the Citius'.
[SFX Marching footsteps, chains, heavy dungeon doors crashing to with a nice echo.]
SCENE II: Room Outside the Dungeons<
NARRATOR: Let us now pause outside the dungeons as Governor Dulcitius comes to perve - ey his regards to the prisoners.
DULCITIUS. Soldiers, produce your prisoners, produce them I say!
[SFX . . . Rattle of keys. Dungeon doors opening.]
SOLDIER 1. There are the ones you wanted to see, Sir. Look within. There they are Sir.
DULCITIUS. Ye Gods, but these girls are beautiful! What grace, what charm!
NARRATOR: I think he's been at sea for a very, very long time.
SOLDIER 2. Cor!
DULCITIUS. I am captured by their beauty!
SOLDIER 3. I'll say!
DULCITIUS. I shall storm their hearts and drag them to my love!
SOLDIER 1 From what we know, you'll have little success Sir.
DULCITIUS. Why?
SOLDIER 2 Nah! Their faith is too strong Sir.
NARRATOR: And you're not Russell Crowe.
DULCITIUS. A few sweet words will work wonders!
SOLDIER 3. You won't get anywhere Sir. They won't 'old with sweet-talk.
DULCITIUS. What if I frighten them with tortures?
SOLDIER 1. They wouldn't care Sir.
NARRATOR: No. They'd probably enjoy it. Kinky!
DULCITIUS. What's to be done, then?
SOLDIER 2. 'Ave a good think!
DULCIT. Thinking Hmm . . . Lock them in the inner room -- the one leading out of the scullery where the cooks' pots and pans are kept.
SOLDIER 3. Why in there?
DULCITIUS. So that I can visit them more often . . . at my leisure!
SOLDIER (chorus). Sir! Your order shall be done.
SCENE III Passage Outside Dulcitius' Room
NARRATOR: Now, we find ourselves in Dulcitus' scullery as he returns to pay a nocturnal visit to his reluctant guests for a bit of skullduggery.
[SFX Fade in female hymn singers: Onward Christian Soldiers would be good.]
DULCITIUS. What can the prisoners be doing at this hour of night?
SOLDIER 1. Sir. They pass the time singing hymns.
DULCITIUS. Let us approach.
NARRATOR: It's the Three Degrees of 3 A.D.
SOLDIER 2. Now you can 'ear their silver-sweet voices more clearly.
DULCITIUS. Take your torches, and guard the doors. I will go in and enjoy myself in those lovely arms!
[SFX . . . Rattle of keys. Dungeon doors opening. Hymn singing becomes louder.]
SOLDIER 3 Go on then. We'll wait for you 'ere, Sir.
SCENE IV Prisoners' Cell
AGAPE. What's making that noise outside the door?
IRENE. It is that wretch Dulcitius coming in!.
CHIONIA. Now may God protect us!
AGAPE. Amen.
CHIONIA. There is more noise! It sounds like the clashing of pots and pans and fire-irons.
[SFX Pots and pans and general clangour]
IRENE. I will go and look. (Pause) Come quick and peep through the crack of the door!
AGAPE. What is it?
IRENE. Oh, look ! He must be out of his mind ! I believe he thinks that he is kissing us.
AGAPE. What is he doing?
IRENE. He is pulling the saucepans tenderly to his lap, now the kettles and frying-pans! He is kissing them hard! And now a chicken!
[SFX Anguished squawks and noises from a chicken Rattle of pots and pans and kissing noises.]
CHIONIA. How ridiculous! God must have deluded him and sent a hallucination!
IRENE. His face, his hands, his clothes! They are all as black with clinging soot! He looks like an Ethiopian.
AGAPE. (Sternly) It's only right that .his body should turn black. It will match his soul - which is possessed by the devil.
IRENE. Look! He is going now. (Giggles) Let's watch the soldiers and see what they do when he goes out.
SCENE V Outside the Cell
A plucked chicken is thrown violently out of the cell and caught by the NARRATOR.
SOLDIER 1. Who is this coming out?
NARRATOR: Colonel Sanders, perhaps?
SOLDIER 2 A demon or the devil himself!
SOLDIER 3 Let's scarper!
(NARRATOR Throws chook to Dulcitius)
DULCITIUS. Soldiers, soldiers! Why do you hurry away? Stay, wait! Escort me to my house with your torches. Better yet, help me stuff this bird.
NARRATOR: There's been enough stuffing around for one night.
SOLDIER 1. (In a low voice to his mates) The voice is our Master's voice - but the face is a devil's!
SOLDIER 2. Let's not 'ang around!
SOLDIER 3 This demon means us no good mate!
[SFX running footsteps]
DULCIT. (indignantly) Well! I'll hurry to the palace. I'll tell the whole court how I have been insulted. That's what I'll do!
SCENE VI At the Portal to the Emperor's Palace
NARRATOR: Here we are at the portal to the Emperor's Palace - and Dulcitius is about to make his entrance.
DULCITIUS. Doormen, admit me at once! I have important business with the Emperor.
SOLDIER 1 . Who is this vile and disgusting spectacle, covered in torn and filthy rags?
SOLDIER 2 Come, let us beat 'im up and throw him down the steps. Yeah. Stop 'im from coming any further.
[SFX Sounds of a fight and someone falling down steps]
DULCITIUS (Aside) Ye gods!!!! Oh Woe! What has happened to me? Am I not dressed in my best? Don't I look clean and fine in my person?
NARRATOR: Yeah - it's a grunge thing. Very trendoid.
DULCITIUS And yet - everyone who meets me expresses disgust at the sight of me and treats me as if I were some foul monster! I will go to my wife. She'll tell me the truth.
But here she comes. She has left the house with her hair all dishevelled, and her whole household follows her -weeping.
[SFX Pattering of running footsteps and much weeping and wailing]
SCENE VII Within Dulcitius' House
NARRATOR: Our good Lord Dulcitius returns to the coop. And now we'll see who really rules the hen house.
MRS DULCITIUS My lord, my lord Dulcitius! What has happened to you? Have you lost your reason? The Christians have made you a laughing stock! And what are you doing with a chicken?
DULCITIUS Er . . . er . . . .
MRS DULCITIUS What do you think you look like? You! My lord Dulcitius! A respected Governor of a whole Province! How am I going to look the neighbours in the face? What have you been doing?
DULCITIUS Er . . . er . . .
MRS DULCITIUS How did you get so filthy!
DULCITIUS. They told me it was a grunge thing!
MRS DULCITIUS And what have you done to your good toga pray? I'll bet you've been to an orgy . . . and without telling me!
DULCITIUS Er . . . er . . .
MRS DULCITIUS I knew it! Those dancing girls and heterae are getting out of hand! Do anything to pander to perverted tastes - something with chickens! Give it to me! (She snatches the bird and beats D. with it) I'll give you chickens!
DULCITIUS Ouch! Oof! (Aside) Now at last I know! I owe this mockery to the witchcraft of those girls!
MRS DULCITIUS. Girls? Girls! I knew it! (She drops the chicken and bursts into tears).What troubles me most was that you didn't know there was anything wrong with you!
DULCITIUS. Those insolent girls shall be publicly stripped of all their clothes and exposed naked. Yes. Starkers! They shall have a taste of the outrage to which I have been subjected! (pause) Anyone got a camera I can borrow? A camera? (pause) What's that? Oh. It's the fourth century. It appears I must wait another fourteen hundred years or so. Oh, bugger!
SCENE VIII A Public Place
NARRATOR: Now in the public square, Dulcitius attempts to divest the virgins of their outer garments. Sadly, the only thing to be exposed is his stupidity.
SOLDIER 1. Well here's a thing! Our chief, who ordered us to strip them, sits there snoring, and there's no way of waking him.
SOLDIER 2 An' 'ere we are sweatin' like pigs and wot's the use? Their clothes cling to their bodies like their own skin.
[SFX A gentle snore or two]
SOLDIER 3 Let's go to the Hemperor and tell 'im wots 'appened..
SCENE IX The Emperor's Ante-Chamber
NARRATOR Here comes Dulcitius, crying foul to the Emperor himself!
DIOCLETIAN. Ah Governor Dulcitius! I am sorry to hear of the outrageous way in which the you have been insulted and hoaxed! But these girls shall not boast of having blasphemed our gods with impunity, or of having made a mock of those who worship them.
I shall direct Count Sisinnius to carry out my vengeance.
SCENE X Sisinnius' Court
NARRATOR: Now we move to the court of Count Sisinnius - although it would appear there is very little justice to be had within it.
SISINNIUS. Soldiers, where are these impudent hussies who are to be put to the torture?
SOLDIER 1 They are imprisoned Sir.
SISINNIUS. Keep Irene back, and bring the others here.
SOLDIER 2 Sir, Why's one to be treated different-like?
SISINNIUS. She is young, and besides - she may be more easily influenced when not intimidated by her sisters.
SOLDIER 3. That might work! Sir.
SCENE XI Same Place
SOLDIER 1. Sir. We have brought the girls you asked for.
SISINNIUS. Agape, and you, Chionia, take my advice.
AGAPE. And if we do, what then?
SISINNIUS. You will make an offering, a libation, to the gods.
AGAPE. We offer a perpetual offering of praise to the true God, the eternal Father, to His Son, co-eternal, and to the Holy Ghost. (Casts eyes to heaven and puts hands together prayerfully)
SISIN.(Impatiently) I do not recommend that you do this: indeed, I forbid it! On pain of severe penalties.
AGAPE. You have no power over us, and can never compel us to sacrifice to demons. So there!
SISINNIUS. Don't be obstinate. Soften the hardness of your heart and sacrifice to the gods, or, by order of the Emperor Diocletian, I must put you to death.
CHIONIA. If your Emperor has ordered you to put us to death - we who scorn his decrees - you must obey. . If you were to spare us out of pity, you would die too.
SISINNIUS. Come, soldiers don't dally, don't dally! Seize these blasphemers and fling them alive into the flames.
SOLDIER 1. We will build a pyre at once Sir. The fierceness of the fire will soon put an end to their insolence.
[SFX Sound of a fire crackling.]
AGAPE. (Praying) O Lord, we know Thy power! It would not be anything strange or new if the fire forgot its nature and obeyed Thee. But we are weary of this world, and we implore Thee to break the bonds that chain our souls, and to let our bodies be consumed that we may rejoice with Thee in heaven. Ah-ah-men!
[SFX Sound of a fire crackling more loudly.]
SOLDIER 2. ` O wunnerful! A great miracle! Look, their spirits have left their bodies, but they ain't hurt!
SOLDIER 3 The flames 'aven't touched their hair, or their clothes, or even their bodies!
SISINNIUS. Bring Irene here.
[SFX Marching footsteps receding . . . marching footsteps approaching]
SOLDIER 1. Here she is Sir.
SCENE XII Same place
SISINNIUS. Irene, take warning from the fate of your sisters, and tremble: if you follow their example you will perish.
IRENE (Piously) I long to follow their example in dying that I may share their eternal joy.
SISINNIUS. Yield! Yield to my persuasion!
IRENE (smugly). I will never yield to enticement to do wrong.
SISINNIUS. (Cunningly)
If you persist in your refusal, I shan't grant you a swift death. I shall eke it out . . .and every day . . . I shall increase and renew your torments.
IRENE. (Airily) The greater my pain, the greater my glory!
SISINNIUS. I know you are not afraid of being tortured, but I can use another means - one that you won't like at all!
IRENE. (Smugly) With Christ's help I shall escape from all you can devise against me.
SISIN. (Getting cross) I can send you to a brothel, where your body will be abominably defiled!
IRENE. (Dripping virtue) Better far that my body should suffer outrage than my soul.
SISINNIUS. (Losing his temper and shouting)
When you are dishonoured and forced to live among harlots, you can no longer be numbered among the virgins. Did you think of that then?
IRENE. (Calmly) The wage of sin is death; the wage of suffering a crown. If the soul does not consent, there is no guilt.
SISIN. (Giving up) In vain I try to spare her, and have pity on her youth!
SOLDIER 2. We could have told you that Sir! She ain't to be frightened - no not 'er, and nothing can make 'er worship the gods.
SISIN (With decision) I will show her no more mercy.
SOLDIER 3. Right.
SISINNIUS. Have no pity. Be rough with her, and drag her to the lowest brothel you can find.
IRENE.(Polishing her fingernails on her palm)
They'll never take me there.
SISINNIUS. Indeed! And what's to stop them?
IRENE. The power that rules the world.
SISINNIUS. We shall see.
IRENE. Yes! And sooner than you will like!
SISINNIUS. Soldiers, do not let the absurd prophecies of this woman interfere with your duty.
SOLDIER 1. Sir! We are not likely to be frightened by a slip of a girl! We will carry out your orders at once.
SCENE XIII Sisinnius' Garden
[SFX Bird sounds]
NARRATOR So here we are in Sisinnius' garden, listening to the bird song and admiring the flowers. But wait . . what is this?
SISINNIUS. Who are these men hurrying towards us? They can't be the soldiers who took away Irene. Yet they look like them.
[SFX Hurrying footsteps. Panting sounds.]
Yes, these are the men! Why have you returned so suddenly? Why are you panting for breath?
SOLDIER 1. We ran back to find you Sir. (Puff puff, pant pant)
SISINNIUS. Where is the girl?
SOLDIER 2. On the top of the bloomin' mountain. Sir. (Puff puff, pant pant)
SISINNIUS. What mountain?
SOLDIER 3. That mountain over there Sir. Nearest this place. Sir. (Puff puff, pant pant)
SISINNIUS. Oh you idiots, you dim-wits! Have you quite lost your minds?
SOLDIER 1. What's the matter Sir? Why do you look at us so threateningly, and speak so angrily?
SISINNIUS. May the gods destroy you!
SOLDIER 2. (Aside) Now 'e's narked. (To the others) What 'ave we done? How 'ave we offended? We only obeyed orders.
SISINNIUS. Fools! Did I not tell you to take that rebellious girl to a brothel?
SOLDIER3. Well, yerse you did, but while we were on the way, two young strangers came up and told us you had sent them to take Irene to the top of the mountain. Sir.
SISIN.(Exasperated) I learn this for the first time from you!
SOLDIER 2. So we see Sir.
SISINNIUS. What were these strangers like?
SOLDIER 1. They were gorgeously dressed Sir, and were an awe inspiring sight!
SISINNIUS. Didn't you follow them?
SOLDIER 3 Yeah, we followed.
SISINNIUS. What did they do?
SOLDIER 1. Well, Sir, they placed themselves one on each side of Irene, and told us to hurry up and tell you what we had seen.
SISINN. (sighing) There is nothing to do but for me to mount my horse and ride to the mountain to discover who has dared to play us this trick
SOLDIER 2. Yeah. Right. We'll come too. . . . Sir.
[SFX Sounds of horse going away]
SCENE XIV A Mountain Path
(Would suggest a few bars of 'Climb Every Mountain' here.)
SISINNIUS. What has happened to me? These Christians have bewitched me. I wander blindly round this hill, and when I stumble on a path I can neither follow it nor return the way I came!
SOLDIER 1. We are all the sport of some strange enchantment. We are exhausted!
[SFX Sounds of people panting.]
SOLDIER 2 There she is Sir!
SOLDIER 3. Sir, If you let this madwoman live an hour longer it will be the death of all of us.
SISINNIUS. Take a bow, one of you, bend it as far as you can, and loose a shaft that shall pierce this devilish witch.
SOLDIER 2. That's the way Sir!
[SFX an arrow thunking into target]
IRENE Arrgh!
IRENE. (Dying) Wretch! . . . Blush Sisinnius, blush, and groan over your shameful defeat. Are you not ashamed that you could not overcome a tender young virgin without resorting to force of arms?
SISIN (Vindictively) I will easily bear whatever shame may come to me, because, without doubt, you are about to die!
IRENE. (Still dying) To me my death means great joy, but to you . . great sorrow. For your cruelty you will be damned in Tartarus. But I . . . I shall receive the martyr's palm, and the crown of virginity. . . . I shall enter the heavenly bridal chamber of the Eternal King . . .
[SFX the swelling music begins]
IRENE (With her last gasp
. . . to Whom be glory and honour . . . for ever and ever! (She dies as the music comes to a crescendo carrying her soul to heaven)