Marriage - The Christian Ideal

THE CHRISTIAN IDEAL OF MARRIAGE

Who is she? Her first husband was Conrad Hilton, her second was Michael Wilding, her third was Mike Todd, her fourth was Eddie Fisher, her fifth and sixth were Richard Burton, her seventh was John Warner and her eighth husband was Larry Fortensky.

Well, I am sure you have all guessed her name by now. She is, of course, Elizabeth Taylor.

Whatever you may say, you have to admit that she did believe in the institution of marriage! And that is more than can be said for others who prefer just to live together and not get married.

According to the recently published report from the office of census and surveys, fewer than 300,000 religious or civil marriages took place in 1993. This was the lowest on record for over 50 years, and obviously reflects the growing practice of cohabitation as an alternative to marriage.

What then is the Christian response to this situation?

I do not believe that it is for us to pass judgment upon how people choose to live their lives in a pluralistic society. However, I do believe we have a responsibility to offer something much better for their consideration. And as Christians, I believe we do have something much better to offer - namely the Christian Ideal of Marriage as opposed to the Secular Ideal of Marriage.

The Christian Ideal of Marriage is based upon the model of Christ's relationship with his Church, which is sometimes called in the New Testament, the "Bride of Christ". As the author of Ephesians writes in chapter 5 verse 25 when addressing husbands: "husbands should love their wives as Christ loved the Church".

The basis of Christian Marriage then is the love of Christ which can be described with three words - faithful, sacrificial, and exclusive.

Firstly, Christ's love for us is faithful. Christ loves us "for better or for worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health".

We may reflect his love, we may reject his love. We may ignore his love. We may abuse his love. We may even betray his love. Nevertheless he still goes on loving us.

At times we may give him pleasure and immense happiness. At other times we may give him disappointment and hurt. Nevertheless his love remains faithful.

Secondly, the love of Christ is sacrificial there is no limit to that love. There is no breaking point. He loves us even, if necessary, to the point of dying for us upon the cross.

And thirdly, the love of Christ is exclusive. He does not love us one minute and then turn his back upon us the next. He loves each of us as if we were the only person in the entire world.

Now this is the kind of love that should exist within a Christian Marriage. A love which is faithful, sacrificial and exclusive. Hence the Church has always maintained that Christian Marriage should be monogamous and for life.

However, Christian Marriage does not start and end at the chancel steps on the day of the marriage ceremony. It is something which grows over the years and love which is faithful, sacrificial and exclusive provides the ideal environment to enable that continual growth to take place, whereby the two persons of the marriage ceremony become as united with each other as Christ is with his Church.

Just as a secure home environment is essential for our children’s future growth and development so also is a secure marriage environment necessary for our future growth and development.

It is this total and unconditional mutual commitment which I would suggest is absent from multiple marriages and the practice of cohabitation. Many young people would claim that such a commitment, which is at the heart of the Christian Ideal of Marriage, is too restrictive. They want to be free to be themselves. Marriage, they would argue, should be seen as a contract which can be ended if it falls short of what is expected.

But I would suggest that “such freedom is of much less worth than the freedom which faithfulness brings. Faithfulness gives us the security within which to face our faults and grow out of them for love’s sake. What may seem as bondage from a self-centred point of view is a miracle of liberation when seen from the other end: this person we love so much is prepared to take us on with all our faults, not just for the present but for the rest of our life”.

In other words, "a good marriage creates for each partner the same kind of environment which we recognise as promoting growth to maturity in the case of children: a combination of love and challenge within an unbreakable reliable relationship".

This is why the marriage service describes Christian Marriage as a "means of grace". It provides an environment in which we can become more Christlike both in ourselves, and in our dealings with the world around us.

"In Christian Marriage, we can learn to break down our pride of self-concern, to be open to our partner as he or she really is, to treasure what is good, and forgive faults, to sacrifice ourselves for the sake of others and to be loyal whatever the price".

This then is the Christian Ideal of Marriage. It is modelled upon Christ's relationship to his Church which is based upon faithful, sacrificial and exclusive love. It provides a mutually committed environment in which both partners can grow into that unity which exists between Christ and his Church.

It is an ideal and some may well fall short of this ideal and need to experience the love and forgiveness of Christ before trying again. Nevertheless, I believe that it is an ideal which we can confidently put forward for consideration to those who practice multiple marriages or cohabitation.

(Quotations are from Issues and Human Sexuality – A Statement by the House of Bishops 1991.