Final Answer (on Mary's Death)

THE FINAL ANSWER

A sermon preached at St. Mary's Church, North Mymms on 15th June, 1997, two weeks after Mary’s death.

May I take this opportunity to thank you all, for the love and support you have given to both my late wife, Mary, and myself over the past twelve months of her terminal illness.

And may I also thank you, on behalf of my two sons, Jonathan and David, and myself for the letters and cards of sympathy which we have received since Mary's death two weeks ago. These are evidence of your continued care and concern, and are a source of encouragement and hope as we go forward upon the next stage of our journey of faith.

Once I have had time to catch my breath, I hope to be able to find the time to reply personally.

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About 10 months ago I preached a sermon which I entitled "God has no favourites". It was based upon the parable of the labourers in the vineyard in which those who had borne the burden and heat of the day expected to receive more favourable consideration than those who had commenced work later in the cool of the day.

I suggested that it was natural for me to want God to spare Mary the physical pain of her illness, and myself the mental strain of helplessly watching her suffer, in view of the fact that both of us had given so much throughout our lives in the care of others, Mary as a professional nurse and myself as a Parish Priest.

However, I suggested that such a request for special consideration was unreasonable. At the end of the day, none of us are deserving of the love of God in our own right. We cannot earn or demand the love of God. It is not a commodity to be bargained over as one would in an eastern bazaar. It is a free gift. It is because of this that we can all turn to him in prayer knowing that He will answer each one of us according to our needs and not according to our merits.

Throughout her life, Mary had always prayed to God and never more so than during these past twelve months.

As my old friend, Peter Ramsden, reminded us at Mary's Requiem Eucharist nine days ago, Mary kept a journal over these past twelve months of her illness which she called "Mary's Journey".

Three weeks after the original diagnosis of the terminal cancer in both lungs she wrote "I have just handed the whole lot over to God".

A month later, after she had discovered that the cancer had also spread to her bones she wrote "a time for celebration not to be morbid .. I cannot think why I deserve what I have, I am so lucky and can only think my Lord smiles at me. I cannot recount the number of acts of love and kindness. It makes me feel very humble and small. I could never give even half back that I have received. I am so lucky."

Again, Peter recalled how following a visit to the Roman Catholic shrine at Walsingham, whilst we were staying at the Holfords’ country cottage, Mary wrote, "I felt very calm, relaxed and happy. I knew I would be alright. Again, I handed myself to him above."

And just as our Lord shouted at God from the cross shortly before he died, so Mary, on the Saturday before she died, bearing the most excruciating pain, also shouted at God. In a loud clear voice, with power and strength I have never witnessed before, she began reciting the words of the Lord's Prayer and of the Rosary, clinging tightly to the beads and cross in her hand. "Holy Mother of God, pray for us sinners now and at the hour of our death." Words which she repeated time and time again until her voice faded away and she slipped into merciful unconsciousness.

Yes, Mary certainly never gave up praying over these past twelve months.

And to her prayers can be added those countless others which have been offered for her over the past year. Prayers as far away as Russia, South Africa and Australia; prayers in Cathedrals such as Hereford, Liverpool and St Albans; and prayers in humble parish churches such as South Mymms, Sidcup and Plymouth, not to mention the continuous stream of prayer which has been offered up here in North Mymms Sunday by Sunday.

There is no doubt that Mary was a much prayed for person.

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But now Mary is no longer with us upon this earth. Her cheery smile of welcome is no longer at the door to greet us. Does this mean that all this prayer business has been a waste of time? Does it mean that God chose not to hear, or does it mean that He is not as powerful as He would have us believe?

Where is the evidence of the answer to all this prayer? After all, Mary still died of the cancer – it did not dramatically disappear - even though she lived much longer and more actively than we had been led to expect. She still suffered considerable pain and discomfort despite all the medication.

Where was God in all this?

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As the cards and letters have arrived in recent days, I have been recording how Mary was seen by others.

Many refer to the Mary whom they have known over many years. For instance, a former Plymouth parishioner of the 1970's writes: "We will always remember Mary for her generosity of spirit and her wonderful, wonderful sense of humour - typically Liverpudlian. Her smile and laughter were infectious! God's sides must be aching already." Another person writes: "Mary was a lovely lady", and another "Mary loved life and lived it to the full."

Then there are those other descriptions which focus upon her final year.

The Archdeacon of St Albans, who together with his wife Jane, visited her regularly both at home and in hospital, and would always send her a postcard whenever he was on holiday or in retreat, writes: "It has been a real privilege to have been alongside you both this last year and to witness Mary's courage and determination. She has been a plucky fighter and yet very much a person of faith."

Another person wrote that her "brave and positive attitude during her illness has been an inspiration to many. Despite her pain Mary remained cheerful and delightful company." And another writes "a strong and courageous lady."

Mary prayed and others also prayed for her. Yet she still died and she still died of the cancer. Yet I would suggest that the answer to these prayers is to be found in the manner in which she died.

True, she died in pain but she also died in peace, an immense inner peace. Somehow she was enabled to bear the suffering with great dignity right to the very end.

There was an inner calm. She knew she was not alone. The presence of the risen Christ was very much with her. It was this that was the source of the courage, the bravery and the strength of which so many people speak. Rather than allowing her faith in the loving purposes of God to become weakened by doubt, resentfulness and bitterness and find expression in the words "why me?", she would look the cancer in the face and say "why not me?"

I cannot tell you how prayer works no more than I can tell you how God raised Jesus from the dead. All I know is that when I look at how Mary faced death, I know deep down that all those prayers which were offered for her have found their home. It may not be the answer we had wanted from those prayers – she still had the cancer and she still had the pain – but somehow she was enabled to rise above such misfortune knowing that nothing, absolutely nothing, could separate her from the love of God in Christ Jesus, to quote St Paul.

Perhaps the greatest evidence of the power of God at work in her life this past year was seen only by myself.

After 27 years of loving me, she finally allowed me to love her.

With the death of her mother at her birth, Mary's early years did not provide an ideal role model of the mutuality of love which should exist between a husband and a wife. Neither did the then predominantly male chauvinistic environment of the inner city of Liverpool. Furthermore, her spirituality was forged within the confines of the Roman Catholic Church, which in those days tended to focus attention upon the subservient role of the Blessed Virgin Mary to our Lord, and which found expression in holding priests in high regard. Given then such a home, city and church environment in which to grow up in you can begin to see why Mary found it hard to give me the necessary space to love her. However, in that final year she completely changed. She sat back and cheerfully and willingly allowed me to express my love in caring for her.

What a miracle! What an answer to prayer! It was well worth waiting 27 years to have the opportunity of finally demonstrating my love to Mary.

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I have preached this sermon today because two parishioners came up to me 10 months ago and asked: “If God has no favourites and if we should not expect as Christians to be shown any special consideration, why should we bother to pray to God for those who are sick?”

In answer to that question, after 10 months personal experience I would simply say the quality of Mary's life over the past year more than bears testimony to a God who does answer our prayers for the sick. He may not answer them as we, from our limited perspective, would wish, but answer them He certainly does.

He goes on loving us, even though, as Mary says in her journal, we may not deserve his love which is so freely given. He answers us according to our needs and not according to our merits.

Little wonder that Mary wrote in utter amazement: "I cannot think why I deserve what I have, I am so lucky and can only think my Lord smiles at me."