Commandment 5 - Happy Families

COMMANDMENT 5 - HAPPY FAMILIES

In her book Smoke on the Mountain, Joy Davidman tells the following story.

ONCE UPON A TIME there was a little old man. His eyes blinked and his hands trembled; when he ate he clattered the silverware distressingly, missed his mouth with the spoon as often as not, and dribbled a bit of his food on the tablecloth. Now he lived with his married son, having nowhere else to live, and his son's wife was a modern young woman who knew that in-laws should not be tolerated in a woman's home.

"I can't have this," she said. "It interferes with a woman's right to happiness."

So she and her husband took the little old man gently but firmly by the arm and led him to the corner of the kitchen. There they sat him on a stool and gave him his food, what there was of it, in an earthenware bowl. From then on he always ate in the corner, blinking at the table with wistful eyes.

One day his hands trembled rather more than usual, and the earthenware bowl fell and broke.

"If you are a pig," said the daughter-in-law, "you must eat out of a trough." So they made him a little wooden trough, and he got his meals in that.

These people had a four-year-old son of whom they were very fond. One suppertime the young man noticed his boy playing intently with some bits of wood and asked what he was doing.

"I'm making a trough," he said, smiling up for approval, "to feed you and Mamma out of when I get big."

The man and his wife looked at each other for a while and didn't say anything. Then they cried a little. Then they went to the corner and took the little old man by the arm and led him back to the table. They sat him in a comfortable chair and gave him his food on a plate, and from then on nobody ever scolded when he clattered or spilled or broke things.

Now you can put away your handkerchief. That was only a story.

At least the parents still had the old man at home and had not put him into residential care or, even worse, turned their backs upon him and pretended he no longer existed.

And at least, in their rather clumsy and awkward way, they were seeking to obey the fifth commandment which says "Honour your father and your mother," albeit rather reluctantly.

Up until recent times, the care of elderly parents has been the responsibility of their children, and still is in some countries.

However, the complex current conditions of life have made this increasingly difficult. Many factors have contributed to this such as smaller houses, daughters and daughters-in-law having careers of their own, children obliged to live away from their parental home due to work location or affordable housing and, not insignificantly, the tendency of the elderly to live longer.

As a consequence, it has been necessary for modern governments to step in and help by the provision of pensions, residential care and domiciliary services.

Having said that, I never cease to be amazed how people in our local community continue to look after their parents. Likewise, I am also impressed at the sensitive way the statutory authorities augment or supply that care. People still struggle to obey the commandment "Honour your father and your mother."

This commandment was fundamental to the nomadic life of the early Jews. After all, when one moved on to find fresh pastures for one's animals, one could not leave one's elderly parents behind in a tent to fend for themselves amidst the barren countryside.

As a consequence, the concept of the family has become deeply embedded in the Jewish traditions to the extent that, even today, they are sometimes accused of being clannish. Families keep themselves to themselves and care for each other.

I recall the Chief Constable of Liverpool in 1967 observing that, to the best of his recollection, he could only ever recall one Jewish youngster coming before the courts. He attributed this to the strong Jewish family tradition.

However, it is interesting to note that Jesus does not seem to lay much stress on the honouring of parents, or on family life in general. Whilst his parents may have been worried about losing their teenage son in the Temple, Jesus wasn't worried about losing them. Nor was he enthusiastic to go and see his mother and brothers, though they wanted to see him, when he was teaching. Elsewhere he says that anyone who puts his parents above the demands of the Kingdom cannot be his disciple.

Now I am not suggesting that he played down the role of the family in the Jewish tradition, but rather that he took it for granted, and suggested that there was even a greater claim for their allegiance, namely, the family of God.

In this family the duty of honouring or respecting is carried much further than in the Old Testament.

First of all, in the Old Testament the family was patriarchal.

The father was the head of the family and under him was the mother and under her were the children. This means that the honour shown to the father and mother were not equal. However, Jesus revolutionised this by giving women equal status within the Christian family, though the consequences of this is still being worked out.

Secondly, in the Christian family there is mutual respect for one another. It is not all one-sided with children showing respect to parents. After all, how can they learn to show respect if parents do not show respect towards their children?

So as St. Paul says, "Children obey your parents in everything, for this is your acceptable duty in the Lord. Fathers do not provoke your children, or they may lose heart." (Col. 3.20,21). Elsewhere, we read "Fathers do not provoke your children to anger." (Eph 6.4).

In the Christian family, there is mutual respect, the one for the other which avoids domination and possessiveness.

Again, this is something that is hard to put into practice where so often a particular person or a group of persons, want to dominate the life of the Christian family and either ignore or ride roughshod over the opinions of others.

And thirdly, in the Christian family, the honouring and respecting is not just confined to one's kith and kin, but includes everyone. It is not just a case of bringing the "old man" in and sitting him at the table, but everyone.

Whilst the Old Testament says "Honour your father and your mother" as being the secret to happy family life for the Jews, the New Testament says "Live as servants of God: honour all men, love the brotherhood" as being the secret to a happy life in the family of God for Christians.