From: V.V.S.Ramakant
To: adhd-india@yahoogroups.com
Date: Wednesday, November 5, 2008 5:07:41 PM
Subject: Re: [adhd-india] Digest Number 339
I joined this group an year ago but have only been in the background, though I have read every message very intently. After reading your mail about your struggles and frustrations and uncertainity for your child’s future, I felt like finally posting a mail.
My background…. I am 32, the elder son of a doctor and officer in the air force. My mother has always been a housewife. My entire schooling was done in Kendriya Vidyalayas (Central schools) in 4 locations under CBSE, mostly in Hindi medium. I could never add two numbers without the help of something to write. My younger brother who is 4 years junior to me was quicker and more efficient than me in just about everything. I could never read aloud or speak freely. From my behaviour, exposure and abilities (or rather the lack of them), not many had much hope that I would do anything worthwhile in life. Only a few individuals always had hope for me and that included my mother. Repeatedly I had to hear from people that I had to change if I wanted a good future. I tried, God knows I tried, but couldn’t change the things in me which everyone wanted. I was always interested in studying history, geography and general knowledge. Infact in my 10th std CBSE boards I got more marks in social studies than anyone in recent history. It was 90/100, more than what I managed in mathematics. Later, in my 11thstd, while I was studying in KV ASC in Bangalore, many in my school appeared in the regional mathematics Olympiad held by IISc Bangalore to select the 30 candidates from Karnataka region for the national mathematics Olympiad. Inspite of my poor mental arithmetic, to my and (everyone’s) surprise I came 22nd in the state and was the only one from my school to qualify. The olympiad was not a test of speed, it gave 8 mathematical puzzles to be solved in 3 hours. Given enough time I could do complex stuff. Then I fancied my chances of making it to IIT (like everyone else in our country). KVs are a great institution but it has modest facilities. Very few who had done their entire schooling in KV managed to get into IIT and this fact was highlighted to me even by my relatives. Anyway I tried and gave it my best shot. 2 years later I found myself studying aerospace engineering in IIT Madras. Having grown up near air bases, I always loved aircraft. Even with my modest rank of 1095 in JEE I could get a ‘good’ branch in IT-BHU or could have opted for a more conventional branch like civil engineering in IIT Madras. The later was my father’s choice. I had to literally rebel and had it my way to choose aerospace. In the next 4 years my life just unravelled infront of me and I did a lot of things which I am not very proud of. Even though I loved aerospace engineering, I just could not cope with the IIT system. I struggled and ended up at the bottom of my class. I was the only one who quit studies after bachelors in my class and took up a job. I was looking forward to it since I wanted to work with my hands, something I missed. At IIT for many it was all about grades and plans about universities in the US or MBA in IIM. I used to be good at programming but I never wanted a software job, manufacturing was my next passion and I thought I will work to build things. I joined the automobile industry and entered the world of designing car bodies, a job which payed a fraction of what my counterparts in other sectors were getting. I earned a salary which was more like a joke to my father but I saw the world and I loved it. As part of my training, I worked in a car factory in Korea like an assembly line worker and just loved it. I spent about 18 months in Korea learning about car body design and Korean culture. Later I was sent to the US by an Indian company called Tata Technologies. I worked hard and travelled harder exploring the US and had a great time. After an year the HR head got the idea that I should be grateful for being sent to the US and should part with my annual performance based bonus like everyone else in the team. According to her, we were all in the US having a comfortable life earning dollars instead of rupees. I begged to differ on a matter of principle, fought with her, complained to the CEO and the Tata ethics committee, received an apology from the CEO on behalf of the company and not even a reply from the HR head. She was unmoved and unapologetic and I quit the job to return to India on July 4th my American independence day!! My new employer took me as a manager since I had 10 years of experience. Also my modest savings were an indication to my father that I should take up more responsibilities and earn more. So I became a manager. My already wayward life seemed to just fall apart soon after that. I was not able to manage jobs of others, jobs which I could do in the past working alone. Now my role was not to do the actual work, but only to supervise many people who were at different stages in their tasks. Very soon I became a joke, unable to manage myself or the projects. I tried telling my boss and my parents that I am not able to cope with the new role and wanted to be a designer again. Everytime I was advised to work harder and show the right attitude. After a few months I could not take it anymore. I could not sleep, I slept for about an hour every night and was awake the rest of the night. That happened every night for a month and then I was like a zombie. I was taken to a psychiatrist who initially said I was only suffering from anxiety. When it lasted for a few months more I was taken to another psychiatrist who diagnosed me with depression and I was put on anti-depressants. It helped for a few months but my problems at work remained the same. People around me were losing patience except my wife and finally I was sure that there had to be a reason why I am so unreasonable. I looked for various conditions and their symptoms on the internet. Finally I stumbled upon ADHD and it seemed to explain my entire life not the just the past one year of chaos in my life. In a week I read and collected enough information to fill a box folder. A few close people whom I shared the info with did not think it was useful or relevant but my wife did. We took the findings to my psychiatrist. He took me seriously and conducted a variety of tests based on questionnaires. He was convinced and gave me a diagnosis of ADHD-predominantly inattentive type. I was put on a different medication called Atomoxetine. This was an year ago and I have continued my medication ever since. During the next 8 months I took a series of steps guided by an amazing amount of information available on the internet and books on ADHD. The medication made me feel different after about a month of its use. I was more coherent in speech and thought. I did all the things that I liked and wanted to do and as of Aug this year, I am working as a design engineer in Germany . I am again happy with my life.
ADHD is a complex condition and is very real. Its symptoms manifest themselves in a lot of challenges not all of which can be overcome just with medication. There are a host of other things one has to work on, what is called in books as the multi-modal approach. But the right medication helps. Actually it makes all the difference, as in my case, by giving me a chance to work on the lifestyle changes and tools that are needed for me to be more productive.
Dr. P, I am sure you know that working memory is the primary deficit associated with ADHD and it is the devil which even medications do not change. Because of it mental arithmetic can be very challenging. I can not add numbers even now. I used to be embarrassed about it but not anymore. Now I keep a PDA with me which has all the calculation tools I need. Mathematics is more than just arithmetic. Education is more than just mathematics. Professions are not limited to medicine and engineering. ADHD is a condition which makes those afflictated to strive for novelty. Considering the state that the world is in today, fresh ideas are needed not just for improvement but for survival in many spheres of the society. Actually there is a term in psychology called Novelty-seeking (NS) as a part of a tridimensional scale of personality traits, the other two being Harm-avoidance (HA) and Reward-dependent (RD). People with ADHD are low on HA is understandable but they are also low on RD which many people do not know. There are limits to what reward can inspire an ADHD person to do. They are high mainly on the NS scale and novelty is a double edged sword. It can be good and bad and it changes with the passage of time.
When untreated, my ADHD caused me to be driven only by novelty, trying and striving to do something different. Somehow it was the only thing that could drive me. When I was in school, to cope up with my lack of interest in conventional subjects, I tried to study the less conventional but to me more interesting ones like history and geography. Many thought that it was a waste of time. Even I knew that it was not what I could get a living with. Study of unconventional stuff kept me in a state of stimulation which helped me manage other subjects. I also used to study while listening to news on my shortwave radio. In a period when there was no internet and the only news source was a boring bulletin on TV, the feeling that I am connected with the world in real-time gave me a feeling of excitement that helped me comprehend the stuff I was reading. It made me very slow but at least it was a coping method that worked. Later in IIT, I took my radio with me but the course was just too voluminous and dry and I was not able to cope. In frustration I tried other methods of stimulation which I am definitely not proud of doing. But it seemed to work till I was caught up in a mix of guilt and frustration. Now I am at peace because even that phase of mine can be scientifically explained by what is called stimulus dependent dopamine release in ADHD. What I feel sad about is that I could have been spared a lot of guilt if I had the level of understanding of ADHD back then.
Please don’t worry too much about your child’s future. He will do fine if you believe that he will. His way of learning may appear slow but he is actually assimilating a lot of knowledge and knowledge is power. In the form of Dr. Seshadri you have probably the best doctor in India to take care of the medical aspect and to guide you.
I have ADHD and have had a chequered life. But I have survived and at times had a lot of fun because of my ADHD. My Photos link at the end of the mail will show that. In my opinion my getting into IIT can only be explained by an ADHD symptom known as hyperfocus.
My life is a roller coaster ride like what Gina Pera's book says but I am trying to enjoy the ride :-)
My best wishes to all.
Regards,
Ramakant
My Education and Work - http://www.linkedin.com/in/ramakantvatturi
My Blog - http://www.adhdworld.com/Ramakant/blog/
My Photos - http://picasaweb.google.com/vvs.ramakant