Religious Activities

Participating in Religious Activities July 2004

My frien’s, a while back a friend (of the damn good variety) asked for clarification of an e mail. Hester noted that it was probably understandable to males, who are used to jumping from A to C (especially in communication with another man) with B left unstated; but, understood (usually due to the less than moral nature of the story). But, Hester pointed out that women would like to have B clarified. This got me to thinking about sex. Well, kinda.

I am told that scientists are attempting to map out the human genome. This is o.k., but, until they get to those “X” and “Y” Chromosomes, they ain’t done nothin’ yet! Having lived for……a long time, and over half of that time with one of those “X” chromosome types, I have reached the indubitable conclusion that THERE IS A DIFFERENCE………other than that of the obvious and wonderful physical attributes.

Where is this going? I cannot help but be aware of the tremendous interest in the movie “Passion of the Christ” especially by fundamental Christians. Let me get my viewpoint out front right now. I have seen reviews and previews. I agree with my cousin Ila Kay. I am not going to watch a movie with that level of graphic violence…period!

However, when religious fervor and violence combine, results can be worth relating. Diana and I were talking to a young friend recently when the subject turned to one of my “situations” in Walmart, which although amusing to me, had provided some level of discomfort to the “X” half of this marriage.

Prudence (Names have been changed not so much to protect the innocent as to protect my relationships within the local community) said, “Oh, that’s nothing. Dad really embarrassed Mom at the movies the other night.”

My attention was captured, “How can someone embarrass another in a dark movie theater?” Surely her folks are long past the stage of teenage expression of undying love in a dimly lit arena.

Prudence (not a statement on the teller) related the story of her Dad (Daniel, of the lion’s den), her Mom (Joan, of Arc. as in burned at the stake), and the “Passion of the Christ”. This family attends a local church with a definitely fundamental point of view. Churches around here are linked in an informal alliance based more on religious conservatism than on dogma.

Joan and Daniel are multiple generation descendants of locals. As are most of those who attend the numerous small churches. They know and are known by everyone.

Movies, restaurants, Walmart and locations purveying strong drink are not places of anonymity in rural Arkansas.

My frien’s, before you start to make judgments on my religious commentary, please bear with me. It is necessary to set the stage for this tale, which is based more on southern social mores than on southern religious beliefs.

Joan decided that it was their “Christian duty” to attend the movie. Daniel was reluctant, but fortunately realized that more than religious philosophy was involved. There are times when even the subtlest messages manage to penetrate the “Y” chromosome and demand action. Domestic tranquility was on the line. Angels holding the mouths of lions shut could not save this hero. Daniel attended the movie.

Ticket sales to the “Passion” were supported by the local churches This led to both large and homogeneous audiences. “The Passion of the Christ” was elevated to the status of a sermon.

Now, Conservative Christianity, in the south, is not a place of T shirts, shorts, sandals, or levity. The theater looked, and felt, like a meeting house on Sunday morning. Adults assuming their stations in the back rows insured that young folks paid more attention to the movie than to each other. Normally, seating arrangement is no big thing. In this case the rule of opposites attracting did not work. Did you ever notice that when put in pews or theater seats occupancy falls into groupings of males and females. Never male, female, male, female it’s always male, male, female, female. A definite disadvantage when lines of control are required.

The movie started. It was dramatic and easily captured this decidedly partisan gathering. Religious fervor quickly elevated to that of a tent revival. But, when the rough stuff happened, it was obvious that Mel Gibson had under estimated the empathy level of a southern congregation to the torture of their Savior. As the actor thrashed during the flogging, Daniel started to squirm in his seat.

Joan, aware of surrounding interest in her spouse’s reaction (by both sexes), firmly ordered, “Daniel, be still!” Snickering could be heard around them, not surprisingly in only half the audience..

More flogging. More squirming, More snickering. Joan, realizing that attention was being divided between the drama on-screen and that in the theater, resorted to a desperate measure pleading, “Daniel, please be still, remember, it’s only a movie!”

Her appeal, though unheard by Daniel, did not go unnoticed. The torture on the screen began to receive real competition. Snickering spread throughout the audience (well, o.k., half of it) in increasing ripples as elbows dug into adjacent rib cages. Joan slid lower in her seat as she went physical in an attempt to divert her husband’s increasing sympathy with the victim of the lash. She tried pulling him back into his seat.

More lashing. More squirming. More whispered admonitions as other “X” types observed the potential loss of decorum. “Y” types were definitely finding audience participation more interesting than that on the big screen.

Finally, the rough stuff ended, Daniel quit squirming; mesmerized by the unfolding plot, he settled back in his seat. Joan returned to a comfortable position as live drama had ended and everyone’s attention returned to the screen. This was a Christian audience. Joan had heard the other X’s attempting control. There would be some teasing on Sunday, but the embarrassment was survivable.

The journey to Golgotha re-captured everyone’s attention. Then, the real show began. The Romans laid the Christ on the cross and prepared to nail him down.

“Uh Oh”! Joan glanced at her spouse. Daniel, cringing in his seat. Vigorous squirming commenced.. Elbows started jabbing. Fingers pointing. Snickering started among part of the audience. Wives, realizing the possibility of the focus of embarrassment moving away from Joan, attempted control of their “Y” chromosome partners. Seating arrangements minimized control.

The hammer delivered the first blow. Blood started to flow.

“Damn!” Daniel cried while leaning forward in his seat. Live drama again competed with that on the big screen. Elbows were not required, snickering increased to chuckling. “Shhhh”, came from half the crowd.

Joan slid lower in her seat commanding, “Daniel Stephen (the martyr) Jones, behave!” My friens, it does not matter, 1 or 100, the use of a southern male’s full name, in an authoritative manner, by a member of the opposite sex, demands immediate attention and response.

No time! The Roman struck the second blow. Blood spurted.

“DAMN!” Daniel emphasized, half standing from his seat and oblivious to the developing theater in the theater. Open laughter burst out among those appreciating the humor. The audience was now definitely divided. Half out of control, half attempting control.

Joan slid down until her eyes barely cleared the seat in front. She resorted to a begging, physical defense, tugging her husband’s arm, “Please Daniel, sit down, there are more people watching you than are watching the movie”.

Too late! The spike was driven home. Daniel leaped to his feet.

“GOD DAMN!” he screamed.

“Oh Lord,” half the audience commiserated.

“Thank You Lord,” the other half cried in fervent prayers at being allowed to witness this performance…religiosity somewhat lessened as they dissolved into hysterical laughter..

Is breaking one of the ten commandments a sin when committed in total empathy with unjust persecution? My frien’s, some good comes out of most situations. God does work in mysterious ways. After the movie ended, half of the audience attempted to explain uncontrollable laughter to an equal number who had been deprived of the humor carrying chromosome. Now, let me tell you, southern male macho is absolutely no match for southern female indignation. The sacrament of repentance was rampant. Forgiveness a lot more scarce.

I have stated before that most of my stories are best related orally, with appropriate intonation and gesture. This is certainly one of those situations. But, it must be given to the proper audience. Native Americans used the long periods of winter inactivity to relate their morality based stories.

Following this ancient tradition, having been provided with a graphic illustration that the “Y” chromosome develops more than gender, some of us can’t wait until hunting season. In the remote camps we will, in safety, relate this story so as to include the moral lesson which is basically the lamenting (another good religious concept) of the total lack of understanding by half the population. Strictly in the interest of male bonding, we will initiate younger members concerning differences (physical and mental) between the sexes; all the while reminding them of the wisdom of secrecy concerning moral (ok, and other) tales of the hunting camp.

Mel had not intended a humorous reaction to his film. Joan had not intended an embarrassing greeting on Sunday morning. Daniel had not intended to be banned from theaters. Paul does intend to end this epistle and to limit his movie experiences (safely) to musicals and comedy.