June '10 Reboot with Pacemaker

June 2010 "Getting rebooted" (with Pacemaker)

My Frien's,

I went in for my tri-annual colonoscopy! I have had a bunch of them so I know the routine. I told the receptionist that I wanted the first opening they had at 8am (you can eat as soon as you come out from under the verset) explained to the young lady that we Coon Asses believe that fasting ended with the "Age of Enlightenment" …or should have). I planned on being under the "golden arches" by 10:30am (cutoff time for sausage biscuits).

Everything went as planned.......until I started coming out from under the drug. Found myself hooked up to an IV and muttering to Diana, "If there is a sausage biscuit in there, it's damn sure not very tasty, maybe they should try it as a suppository!".

Everything had gone fine ....for most of the colonoscopy ....then I went into Atrial Fibrillation. They hooked me up to some kind of drip and gave me a toddy of potassium to boot. Well, I did not reboot. Finally left the hospital at 5:30pm............about to starve to death! Well they had finally given me a graham cracker. The prices they charge you would think they would have at least given me a cheese cracker.

Then I started my rounds of tests with the medical community. Echocardiogram, Electrocardiogram, Holter Monitor ....and coumadin. Let me tell you warfarin (rat poison) is a hell of a lot cheaper! They explained that the coumadin (why one name as rat killer and another as a people saver?).is a Vitamin K (blood clotting agent) stopper and I had to give up eating .....as he went through a long list of foods, "Whoa", I cried, "I just bought 5 bundles of mustard green seed for this fall."

"Give it away," the Doc said.

"Well, you damn well better tell me that there's no Vitamin K in gin!"

"Nope, you can have your evening drink .......but limit it to no more than two. Well, actually you can have mustard greens too ....if you insist."

Instant reprieve, "I can?"

"Yep, just eat it everyday and we will adjust the coumadin accordingly."

“What!”, I realized that mustard greens aint that good.

"Oh, and no more chainsaws or sharp things."

"What! I'm a woodcarver. I need knives."

"Well .....O.K.; but, get a bunch of gauze pads and rolls of tape. Bandaids are not going to be enough if you cut yourself."

Next, came the 24 hours wearing the monitor and the phone call from the Doc (himself, which should have served as an advance warning). We have been seeing Dr. Schudy for quite a few years and he has started relating medical terminology in normal vocabulary. "I just got off the phone with the Cardiologist and he said bad things about your heart! You are going to have to get a pacemaker." Talk about cutting to the chase! "He will call you shortly and set up an appointment."

"WHAT!?"

"The monitor says that your heart slowed to 20 beats a minute .....several times. And, once it went 6 seconds without a beat."

"Well, that don't sound too good."

"Hell no it's not! If you were in the hospital, I would have declared you dead!"

"Then do me a favor?", I asked.

"O.K."

"Come visit me when they put in the pacemaker .........but let the other Doc do the pulse taking and declaring!"

“I am upping your dose of rat poison ….………..no, it’s not to keep from having to visit you in the hospital. Just take your coumadin and stay by the damn phone.”

So the Cardiologist's office called ....very soon (which should have been my second early warning) and set up an appointment.. When I got there his first question led into my taking this whole thing a little more seriously. "How did you get here?"

"What?"

"Did you drive?"

"Hell yes! I live 80 miles away, I damn sure didn't walk."

"Give me your keys."

“What?” but I did and he handed them to Diana. "No more driving until you have the pacemaker."

"What!?" I seem to be using this exclamation a lot these days.

"With your pulse rate, you could pass out at anytime. If you were on the Interstate, you would just quietly go to sleep, but, it would scare hell out of Diana. It won't be for long. I'm going to put in a pacemaker a week from tomorrow (Wednesday, June 23). We need to do a stress test before then. We could do it tomorrow or...."

"Tomorrow," Diana demanded, "no use prolonging the stress."

"What! I'm not stressed,"

"I know! I;m talking about me, not you, Since you won't, I have to worry enough for both of us." she explained.

So, yesterday back to the "Dark Ages" ….more fasting (do they make a toupe´ with a hole in the center? I would not even have to shave the top of my head. Oh! Forgot the religious part. Oh Well). I wore my walking shoes ........even bought a new pair of "sports" sox for the tread mill thingy. Got there and they said, "Oh, we can't let you on the treadmill. You are in AFib!"

I got to admit, I started taking this whole situation a little more seriously. I said, "So, no stress test," and started to get up.

"Sit down", the nurse said. "We are going to stress your heart chemically."

"What!"

My Friens, if they give you a choice between doing things the old way or using the modern substitutes (which don't take near as long time wise) ......put on your shoes and climb on that damn treadmill! They brought in a big old container with radiation warnings all over it, took out a syringe, and as they injected me said, "Get ready!"

"What!"

"Some people get light headed, have chest pains, even throw up," she advised .....but continued injecting.

"What! Uh Oh." No time for anything else ,,,,,I got light headed and started floating ....feeling just damn weird. Fortunately it only lasted a few minutes.

Then it was into the "camera room" and lying still with my arms over my head and a big ....uhhh thing running over my head and chest ......for 15 minutes. "Lay back down," the operator said as I started getting up.

"What!"

"That was just a test. This stuff is expensive," she advised me and reached for another of those "danger radiation" boxes.

"Judging by my reaction last time, you better get a bucket in here this time," I cautioned, “a big one!”.

"Oh this is good stuff. Much more powerful. But, no side affects," she noted.

Another 15 minutes of picture taking and I was out of there .....at 3pm .....nothing to eat since supper yesterday ....told Diana (my chauffeur), “pull in at the next ‘stop and rob’,” I’m starving.” She did and they had a good selection of hot food …..for a gas station, but, it all seemed kind of bland. Then I saw the jalapena pepper poppers ….10 of those and a 44 oz mountain dew convinced me that capsaicin and caffeine are as good as electricity for rebooting the system.

So that is the current scenario of life in the hills. All I got to do is make it until I get my “reboot device” next week. Now it is time to end this epistle from Paul and go take a dose of rat poison and do some woodcarving …….which is one of the few things I am allowed to do until next week ….well now, I have found the silver lining!

"The Rest of the story"

Diana and I got to the hospital to find my surgeon in the coffee bar drinking espresso. I was happy at check-in to find that I was not the first patient. He had a couple of minor surgeries (what kind of heart surgery is minor?) before starting on us pacemakers (and I was the second of these). I thought he ought to be off the coffee high by then. While waiting my “turn”, they took me for an Xray (in a wheel chair) and left me “parked” by the machine (all alone). I looked around to see a bunch of lead aprons hanging on the wall and warning signs everywhere. All of a sudden lights started flashing, warning klaxons blaring and doors slamming shut. I thought, “Oh great, I come in for a pacemaker and am gonna die of radiation poisoning!” I was up and wondering which way to run when a young lady walked into the room. "I sure am glad you are not wearing a space suit. Must not be much radiation leaking in here," I commented as I climbed back into the wheelchair.

Her puzzlement turned to gales of laughter as I explained. "That was just a fire drill", she advised.

The lights flashing, doors shutting and klaxon bleating kinda concerned Diana; but, at least, they got in there right fast to tell her it was a fire drill. Just as she was starting to relax they announced “Code Blue in radiation!” She thought, “Oh great, I get him all the way through this mess and he keels over in the final test before they put in the pacemaker.” Just as she was headed out for an explanation, they wheeled me back into the room.

Then they took me to the operating theater where they strapped me down (should knock you out before you start having visions of dungeons and various devices therein), put a “canopy” over my head (what was I not supposed to see?), and started slapping cold pads on various parts of my anatomy. I pointed out that warming them first might be a good idea. This precipitated an argument between two of the nurses (one apparently had heated pads ready. Then one remembered there was an interested patient hidden under the canopy. She raised my “curtain”, said, “Uuuhhhh, here it comes!” ………and I woke up in my room with one arm strapped down and an inquisitor firing questions at me. Thought of imitating Sgt. Shultz, "I know nothing!"

Hopefully, it was a result of the versed (the I can’t remember anything, and don’t give a damn about it anyhow drug); that I had forgotten about the constant safety procedure of asking you for your name and birth date. It is not good to return to cognizance hearing a nurse asking, “Can you tell me your name?” Which can translate to the patient as, “do you remember who your are?” I guess, seeing my state of concern, she changed tactics, “I have to ask you your name and birthday before I can give you the anesthetic.” Which translates as, “the nice lady is offering you a painkiller, ……answer her …..then worry about what the hell happened to you!”

So my Frien’s, here I sit ....taken off rat poison ….no lifting for 6 weeks ….sleeping with one arm strapped down ….but, ….I have a heartbeat ….I can drive again ,,,,I can drink gin ....I can carve. Life is good!!!!

Paul.