Burnt Offerings Thanksgiving 2008

My frien’s, it is not often that Walmart is thought of as a source of education; but, it can happen. In early November, of last year, I was waiting in the checkout line, bored (the lady in front of me had a list of the specials offered by every other grocery in NW Arkansas and Walmart honors the price) but everyone one of them has to be checked out. Seeking distraction, I noticed the newspapers displayed there...probably for occasions such as this. My education started, I learned that there is a secret cure for dementia and it is being hidden by the government (I think it is stored with that 100 mpg carburetor); who is acting in cooperation with the pharmaceutical industry. This way they can keep selling the things that help our failing memory enough for us to remember to refill the prescription, but do not cure and lead to a loss of income. Well, I guess even a temporary pill that would locate my car keys would be helpful.

Then I saw IT. A real opportunity to save money. There was a photo of Moses with his finger extended (courtesy of Michelangelo) to……well hell the rest was not included. But, I do remember there was something painted on the other side of that ceiling that was important. Damn, maybe I ought to start taking one of them temporary cures. Anyway, it was the headlines that really caught my eye, “World Will End On Thanksgiving Day..……according to hidden Biblical verses”.

I thought that this statement was rather curious….not the prophecy…..the fact that there are hidden verses in the world’s longest running best seller. Seems to me that it has been pored over fairly thoroughly during the last…….well, real long time. Especially if you throw in the Old Testament where Moses resides.

I was tempted to spend the buck and a half for the newspaper just to find out how, and hopefully why, such an important (at least to this generation) prophesy had remained hidden all of this time. Fortunately, the check-out line was still not moving, so I proceeded to receive my education on the cheap. Walmart should provide more personnel if they want to sell these things. Picked up the newspaper and sure enough as I followed the command to turn to page 17, there it was complete with references to Biblical verse………………the four horsemen were saddling up and ready to ride.

Then I got to considering the implications of my new found knowledge. A teacher once told me that “knowledge unused was worse than ignorance”. I was headed from Walmart to Das Butcher Haus which is owned by my Mennonite frien’ (I would describe Eldon as a frien’ of the damn good kind but he would probably prefer I left it simply as “my frien’). Now what? The world ends on Thanksgiving Day and Diana sent me to buy three of Eldon’s smoked turkeys.

My frien’s, for years I have been taking most of Thanksgiving Day to smoke a turkey. Not on the propane grill; but, in my slow cooker, complete with charcoal, apple twigs, indirect heat, lots of smoke, lots of time and requiring lots of attention.

A couple of years ago Eldon talked me into trying one of his smoked turkeys, “you can’t do this good at home”. Surely this religious man would not prevaricate to achieve a sale. As I started to head home (with turkey in hand) I was given the admonition, “don’t go laying that turkey on his back. It won’t look as good, well not traditional anyway, but you lay that thing on its breast and you cook it real slow. If you insist on taking it to the table for carving, then you can lay it on its back on the platter”. I could tell that in spite of his familiarity with my woodcarving skills; he maintained some skepticism concerning my turkey carving ability. Eldon’s information was only partially correct. The turkey was much better cooked “upside down”. But, ain’t no way you can turn that bird over. It is so tender and juicy it starts falling apart. But, following my Cajun beliefs, “forget this presentation nonsense….how does it taste?”, I was happy!

Back to my recently acquired knowledge and its use….I informed Eldon of our pending doom and the fact that we would soon be smoked like his turkeys. Knowing that his Bible is in German, I figured the hidden verses might be harder to find. “You really ought to have an opportunity to be prepared and, oh by-the-way, I am not going to buy any turkeys. Why waste money?” Eldon thought for a minute then pointed out a fallacy in my planning. If the world was ending on Thanksgiving Day, why was I saving money by not buying turkeys?

Now what? Think Paul! Armageddon…..that’s from Revelations. Somewhere in the middle east……I think. Near the Holy Land. Probably where the riders would begin their run. Leaves them a long way to go before arriving in the Ozarks. We could always eat early. Kinda like the condemned prisoner’s last meal. Might as well go out on a full stomach.

Eldon was right. Why save money if some damn demon on horseback was going to ride through the hills creating havoc? Besides, colored eggs keep turning up in unusual places long after Easter. They probably didn’t find all the hidden verses. Maybe there is an “unless” or ‘lest ye repent” or some such in there somewhere. So there might be a chance that those predicted horses would remain in whatever pasture currently held them and the horsemen would remain in whatever hell in which they reside.

Also, the verses I read were Old Testament and that part of the Book seems to put great stock in burnt offerings. Maybe if there were enough burnt offerings (turkeys on the grill do make a very pleasant aroma)……maybe I shouldn’t take a chance by throwing that ham in there though (as I remember there is some basic discrimination against hogs). Still, this is the Ozarks and hawg is a staple. Does white bird, smoke over-ride unclean ,cloven hoof, aroma?

Oh well hell! Bought them turkeys. Nothing ventured. Nothing gained.

My frien’s, I ventured…. and gained……about 5 pounds! Domestic white turkeys are kinda like giant white doves so there were lots of these burnt offerings on Thanksgiving day – decided to not take a chance on the ham. We had a group of our camping club frien’s over here for Thanksgiving dinner. Praying by the believers and friendship. I remember from my church going days, something about, “Where ever two or more of you are gathered in my name, there is love.” Well…OK…maybe the Captain and Tennille ain’t exactly Biblical messengers. But, something worked. We’re still here!

So what lesson is to be learned? Well, My Frien’s, they may have gotten the year wrong or some such. Keep Thanksgiving traditional. Keep them turkeys on the menu. Keep the aroma of burnt offerings a rising. Keep those proverbial horsemen where ever they are when not mounted. Might want to save the hawg for Christmas though.

There was something else I was musing about! Was it in the hidden verses? Don’t think so………..

Oh yeah, the government! So, as I look for my car keys, I am still concerned about them not helping out more with my memory…or the economy…..or was it with cattle flatulence….or….oh hell, it was something important. I guess I’ll just depend on the Government to look out for my best interests and I will end this epistle from Paul.