15. Problem Moose

May 12, 1995

Greetings, with more notes from North Pole.

Winter's too dark and summer's too light. We are seldom truly happy with the sun here in Alaska. Except for the vernal equinox! After a long, dark winter this celebration of spring brings delight to everyone ─ including me. I jumped up on this special morning, got my coffee, and rocked back in my recliner to watch the sun arise in the east as is normal (except in Alaska). Oh, it did come up in the east, but to my astonishment, it immediately started sliding off to the south. That's right. It came up and ran sideways. What a land!

How many ways can moose cause problems? Maybe endlessly. Several interesting cases came to light (but happened in the Alaskan dark) last winter. Women up here are not shrinking violets. They deal with everything that the men do and are ready to handle just about any situation.

There are, alas, exceptions. A Fairbanks Mom and her daughters pulled up to their garage, the lady got out to raise the garage door, bumped into a moose, panicked, screamed, startling the moose (they really can be)and daughter number 1. Her daughter jumped, hit the gear shift lever, the car lunged forward damaging the garage door, furnace, and car. Daughter number 2 panicked, wanted to help, stomped for the brake, got the accelerator, drove the car through the back of the garage and into a snow bank, damaging the water softener, garage wall and (once again) car. Mother and moose watched with mixed reactions. Mother in horror, moose in curiosity. Mom rescued her daughters while the moose went back to munching on willow branches. The car was repaired and the household got a new garage door, wall, furnace, water softener and, oh yeah, a garage door opener.

Can this story be topped? You bet, literally. A hard to believe (but the picture was in the paper) situation occurred in downtown Fairbanks. The snowplow had plowed up a berm near one of the residences. I don't know what tests are given to determine the qualifications of a snowplow driver; but, I do know that passing an IQ test with a rating in double digits does not appear to be a requirement. Last winter the driver took out my newspaper box (some specialize in newspaper boxes, others in mailboxes) on his first pass. I put it back and he took it out again. Diana had had enough of both of us (my complaining and his destruction), called the Borough leaders and must have made some progress. This year he left the box standing, however, he did pile up a 5' high, 4' wide berm. The newspaper lady gave up trying to reach the box. Needless to say, I was out with a shovel trying to move the glacier (snow that has been turned to ice by the plow) so I could regain delivery of my newspaper.

Anyway, back to the house in Fairbanks and the moose story. This particular snowplow operator threw up a berm that not only reached the roof of the house but ran back to ground level further up the street. Now moose may look dumb, but they have survived this long by taking full advantage of opportunities. A prize specimen (translates as very large) of this species realized that a ramp had been formed to fresh tree branches. It simply walked up the berm onto the roof and was happily munching away when spotted by a neighbor. This person called the family and advised them to remain inside until the meal was over. No one wants a ton of panicked moose dropping on them. On the other hand, no one is real sure what a ton of moose balanced on four small hooves will do to the roof of a house.

Being big city dwellers (Alaska Standards) the occupants called 911. Response to the scene was swift, but a little slower solving the problem. They quickly found out that a 9 foot tall, ton of moose is not impressed by people throwing snowballs at it. He became a little agitated. Game and Fish advised against shooting it off the roof. Moose do not die quickly, nor quietly. They said call Animal Control, who said, "You want us to come get what? From where?", and hung up! With no more ideas forthcoming, everyone settled down to gather information for future reference. Several hours later, the moose (which judged by the damage claimed do to have been done to the trees now weighed considerably more than a ton) departed for his more natural haunts. The City was happy to remove the snow berm (had the unhappy snowplow driver standing by) . But, this was not the only moose that turned the tables and trapped people this season.

Six moose (feeding on last summer's landscaping effort, which was now wasted) trapped a family in their house (once again, in downtown Fairbanks) for 2 hours (911 had the response down pat this time) while Game and Fish, Animal Control and the police observed (still gathering data) No one attempted to use the snowball tactic, had they learned better, or could it be that moose look a lot bigger down on the ground than they do up on the roof? Finally, the moose decided to return to a more natural area (ran out of food) . The solution to urban moose seems to be, hire better snowplow operators, don't throw snowballs and simply wait.

The season's finale occurred when a lady opened her front door, after a spring snow storm. She intended to send "Pedro" her Chihuahua out to do his business. But, a cow moose was feeding on a bush by the door. The snow gave way and the animal slid into the house. A ton of moose dropping in unexpectedly was not the way this lady chose to start the day, she requested (screamed) for her husband to assist in removing the intruder. Pedro was apparently unaware of the size differential (1 ton and 108 inches), or really needed to get outside and do his business, rose to the occasion (a full 10 inches and 6 pounds) and took after the moose (growling and snarling) . The startled moose ran from the house with the pursuing Chihuahua close behind. Plumb exhilarated with his success, the dog decided to teach the moose a lesson and run her all the way back to the woods. Unfortunately, the moose looked around, definitely noted the size differential, and kicked Pedro clear back through the door and into the house. By this time, the husband (confused) had charged into the room to find his terrified wife staring out the open door. He looked around for the source of her fear and saw Pedro come rolling in across moose droppings (in the house?) Like all good stories this one has a happy ending. Dog, lady, and moose were all unharmed (with the exception of dignity). Happiest of all was the husband who said that he had the only Chihuahua around that could scare the .... uh, droppings ... out of a moose.

I have written (often) about how Alaskans are different. There is much speculation (by those who are different?) up here on why this should be. Well, a psychologist at the U. Of Alaska thinks she has an answer. We're all hoping that she's the one that's different. Anyway, she claims to have proof that the Aurora Borealis affects human brains (adversely). Now, it is bad enough for her to point out that Alaskan behavior might require an explanation, but to claim that the culprit is a beautiful tourist attraction, why, that's sacrilege. Although, it does cause some speculation about the Japanese. They come here to consummate marriages thinking that a resulting child will be special (different?). Just as we begin to adjust to her proposal that this spectacular display might be a threat, she had to go and add the Coup de Grace by pointing out that the pipeline is like a giant lightening rod concentrating these rays and carrying them right into Fairbanks. Is that why I write epistles instead of letters?

So goes life on the last frontier as I end another epistle from