16. Retirement Looms

June 2, 1995

Greetings with more notes from North Pole,

Tempora mutantur, nos et mutamur in illis. This Latin phrase which translates "The times change and we change with them." is particularly applicable in Alaska, at this time and for the Guraedy's.

Times are changing in Alaska as we enter our famous "mid-night sun" period, with moderate temperatures, flowers blooming, and the salmon ready to start their run upstream. Diana and I are changing with the times as we start counting down to retirement.

The times changed rapidly this year with one of the fastest break-ups on record. Within a five week period we had temperatures that went from -55°F to +86°F. Here in the interior, without the mitigation of cool ocean breezes, the temperature starts to climb. Nothing will reduce the strongest Alaskan to a whimpering puddle faster than temperatures over 75°F. When the temperature made it to 86°F, everyone started seeking air conditioning. Believe it or not, it resembled Fairbanks at -50°F (minus the snow of course) no one was out on the street.

Many of us voiced the well known bit of wisdom that goes, "I can put on enough clothes to stay warm, but, the law won't let me take off enough to stay cool (certain amount of truth here)". However, it is the law of nature rather than our legal system that demands compliance in Alaska. Let me assure you that skin which has been buried under several layers of clothing for the past 10 months cannot survive long exposure to sunlight and is not risked by even the most foolhardy. Safety is always a major concern as was demonstrated by one of our "different" citizens who got his picture on the front page of the newspaper by riding a snow machine naked (did wear boots, gloves and helmet) in one of the races last winter with only minor (though painful) frostbite on various (definitely unidentified in the newspaper) portions of his anatomy. The newspaper received some criticism, but as one lady wrote "I don't see what all the fuss is about, I was there and I would have missed everything without my spotting scope." I'm definitely going to miss this land!

Which brings me to the part about changing with time. Diana and I decided (rather abruptly) to retire in October. A few weeks ago, we were preparing for an Alaskan supper (location only) of cornbread (real southern style), turnip greens (frozen,of course) and butter beans (frozen, again). I was headed for the stove when I got a sharp pain in my stomach. Diana decided to get me to go to the Emergency Room (knew it was serious when I refused to eat) and being a dutiful husband I complied (three hours later).

They could not find the reason for the pain, but did make it go away with the admonition (made within Diana’s hearing) that I see my family physician the next day, take two different pills and a suppository (looked and felt like a candle to me). Needless to say, with support from my spouse, I decided to follow directions on the medication (seemed far easier than the alternative Diana was offering ─ I had already experienced suppostories) also visited Dr. Thomas the next day.

The Doctor was concerned about a possible aneurism of the Aorta and advised me to have a Sonogram. He was on the phone to the hospital when he turned and asked me, "Have you eaten recently?"

To which I replied (honestly), "I've always eaten recently. I did not get in this shape by missing meals."

He was somewhat put out, made a comment that made me wonder if he was asking for a specimen other than urine ( or thought that this might immediately curethe problem of having eaten), and observed that the sonogram would not work (I was relieved to find out he did not expect a specimen). Being resourceful, he asked if the CAT Scan was free (as in not being used, definitely costly). Even the undeserving get lucky now and then. Dr. Thomas told me to get over there and that it would tell us a lot more than we needed to know. It, however, would also tell us about the aneurism. He turned out to be both right and wrong.

It did reveal that there was not an aneurism, but it told us what we needed to know about a tumor in my kidney. Had the Cat Scan not been free, the Sonogram available or Diana not so insistent, it would have gone undiscovered. Since the initial test, I have undergone numerous others (should glow in the dark from all the radioactive material pumped into me) which have confirmed that the tumor is confined to the kidney. The Urologist says that the instant the organ is removed, it is considered to be a 100% cure.

I have to admit being concerned about the procedure. Not the operation, but the preparation. Apparently, he has a cleanliness fetish and wants to make sure that there is not any possibility of contamination (started to make me wish that I wasn’t so fond of food) . As he described the "bowel prep", I will have an enema in one end and an IV (to prevent dehydration) in the other. Makes the operation pale in comparison.

Considering the products I will be utilizing over the next few weeks, I guess I should have been more considerate in my recent dealing with the Drug Enforcement Agency. Now everyone knows that the IRS has very little sense of humor, in fact, the only more dour group most of us encounter are the security station personnel in the airports. At least this was my impression, until I started dealing with the Drug Enforcement Administration. Don't ever try do to bring a little humor into their lives.

We had received all the necessary clearances (beaucoup!) and were finally ready to have our animal immobilization drugs shipped to Alaska. Then my Administrative Officer received a phone call and decided she was not prepared to handle the requests. Coming to me, she said, "Paul there's a lady calling about our immobilization drugs and needs to talk to you". Now, the first mistake occurred, I assumed that this was the manufacturing company, picked up the phone and said, "Hey, send us some more of the good stuff, we're running low and have to do something about the bear butts", Hence mistakes number 2, 3, and 4. It was DEA not the manufacturer, the lady assumed (somehow) that I had said something about "bare" butts, and she had absolutely no sense of humor. She demanded, "WHAT??".

Thinking she needed clarification, I tried to explain that the drug was so good that the bears were jumping out of the woods and mooning every airplane that came by hoping that it was our biologist with his immobilization gun. Apparently she still did not make the bear-bare connection, and decided to move on to the reason for her call. She needed the street address in Eagle.

Mistake number 5. Never try to explain the situation at Eagle to the DEA. She did not want to hear that we barely have streets, certainly do not have addresses, and she should just send the drugs to the Eagle Trading Post with a note to "deliver this to the parkies over on the backside of the grassy landing strip".

I could actually hear her swelling up like a hot air balloon. She said, "Well, we can't allow these drugs to go anywhere without a street address and that's final". Now this kind of pomposity was not what I wanted to hear and led me into mistake number 6. I said, "that's OK, we can get better stuff than your's over here on Two street."'

This was definitely not what she wanted to hear, leading her to demand to know who is "in charge up there". My Administrative Officer had been following the conversation on the speaker phone and prevented mistake number 7 as she said, "I am!", grabbed the receiver and gave me a look that said, "Don't argue with me!".

Anyway, Mari got them calmed down, our drugs are on the way, the bears will be happy, and we are expecting a DEA raid at any time.

Once again it's time to end this epistle with the request that, in your prayers, you put in a little word for Paul and Diana.