The Sex-Starved Marriage

The Sex-Starved Marriage

By Michelle Weiner Davis

Part I: The Sex Starved Marriage

1. The Sex Starved Marriage

• One study found 20% of married couples have sex fewer than ten times per year
• Low desire is thought of as an issue that affects women, but it affects some men too
• There is an anecdote about a couple, Debra and Tom. (There are many anecdotes). Their sex life dries up, and it hurts Tom.
• A sex-starved marriage is not about the numbers. It is one in which there is distress about the partner's different levels of desire
• When sex is good for both partners, it has benefits for the physical, emotional, spiritual
• Sex is what defines the marriage relationship
• The high desire spouse can feel rejected, unloved, betrayed, resentful, angry
• Lack of sex can affect other parts of the relationship and put the marriage at risk
• The other partner often does not accept these feelings
• Lack of sex is not the high-desire spouse's problem, it is the relationship's problem.
• Dr. Pat Love writes the unstated arrangement is, "I know you want more sex. I will not do anything about it, but I expect you to still be faithful."
• Sex experts have discovered that for many people, sexual desire follows arousal instead of the other way around
• High-desire spouse needs to take responsibility for his or her approach and question theories for the other spouse's behavior
• Even one spouse can make a difference, though two spouses are better

Part II: The Low-Desire Spouse's Guide for Boosting the Marriage Libido

2. The Lowdown on Low Sexual Desire

• Causes of low sexual desire include
  • Bickering in marriage
  • Taking care of children, house, aging parents
  • Aging
• APA classifies lack of sex as a disorder when it is recurring and causes stress or problems
• There are two reasons to put effort into sexual relationship: when you or your spouse thinks there is a problem
• The most important step is to make a decision to change
• Statistics about sexual frequency cannot be used to diagnose or prescribe frequency for any particular couple
• Stretch yourself
• Remember your spouse will stretch himself or herself too
• The low-desire spouse sets the pace
• The low desire spouse needs to try, but this does not mean the grin-and-bear-it approach
• For many people, desire follows arousal. This is contrary to common thoughts about sexuality.
• Instead of expecting desire like fireworks, look for more subtle sparks. You may be more sexy than you thought.
• Sex is not just a biological urge. Purposes include: feeling close during sex, improve intimacy in general, please partner, relax, feel attractive, express affection, reconcile, procreate
• When a couple stops having sex, they often stop touching in general
• Sex creates a powerful bond
• Sex releases feel-good hormones
• In a healthy marriage, both partners care about each other's happiness
• You do not have to understand or agree with your spouse's needs ands wants

3. What's Causing My Desire Doldrums?

• Women may have trouble with arousal, orgasms, or painful sex
• Males may have trouble with premature ejaculation or erectile dysfunction
• Hormones improve during the infatuation stage of a relationship and later decline
• Women also have hormonal changes related to childbirth and menopause
• Males have menopause between ages 35 and 65
• Medication, illness, alcohol, tobacco and other substances can interfere with desire
• Psychological factors include depression, abuse, self-esteem, body image, grief, motherhood, midlife crisis, fatigue, stress
• Cultural expectations affect desire
• Relationship issues
  • Conflict avoidance (under-assertiveness)
  • Over-assertiveness
  • Lack of forgiveness
  • Lack of sexual education
  • Fear of talking about sex
  • Catch 22: Women need emotional connection to get physical, while men need physical connection to get emotional
• A common myth among women is that the man just needs a physical release, though men get emotional connection
• Men also feel a desire to give their wives pleasure
• Sometimes the male-female roles are reversed, and the male needs to talk

4. Sexy Solutions

• It can be hurtful for a spouse when the other dismisses feelings or is unwilling to take any action
• The high-desire spouse will appreciate the low-desire spouse's efforts. Do something.
• Biological solutions
  • Ask your doctor
  • Check your medications
  • Eat well
  • Exercise
  • Get sleep
  • Avoid alcohol
  • Consider Wellbutrin
  • Check testosterone levels
• Set goals
  • Describe what you want instead of what you dislike
  • Describe goal in action-oriented terms
  • Break down the goal into small steps
  • Keep track of progress
• Reach out to friends or a professional
• Sex drive zappers
  • Motherhood
  • Body image
  • Bad experiences
• Relationship issues
• Communicate
  • Harboring negative feelings can lead to explosions
  • When a spouse is not assertive enough, it seems the other spouse is controlling
  • Pick your battles
• If it does not work, stop
• If it works, keep doing it
• Think back to when things were better. What was different? Recreate it
• Negative feelings can lead to a spiral of isolation, so sometimes it is best to ignore feelings to cause a spiral of intimacy
• Siren Solution
  • The woman (or low desire spouse) intentionally changes attitude and behaviors to be more sexual
  • The man (or high desire spouse) becomes nicer
  • This causes a positive spiral
• Nike: Just do it
  • Many low-desire spouses find pleasure after they get started
  • Overcome the inertia
  • Reprogram your reactions: mentally correlate your spouse's advances with the pleasure that eventually follows
  • Use it or lose it: practicing sexuality increases desire (not necessarily the other way around)
• Do not expect "fireworks," and look for subtler signals of desire
• Remember conditions in which you had more interest, and recreate them
• Get to know your body, needs, and preferences.
  • It is your responsibility.
  • Be open minded
  • Sometimes preferences change over time
• Act as if you were more sexual: put effort into appearance. Consider lingerie and perfume.
• Try something new
• When one spouse stops doing something like pursuing sex, then the other spouse takes over, but do not wait until the other spouse gives up forever.
• Instead of saying "no" to sex when it is an especially bad time, offer an alternative time
• Offer your spouse a gift to show love

Part III: The High-Desire Spouse's Guide For Boosting the Marriage Libido

5. What About Me?

• Lack of sex can cause self-esteem issues
• Rejection from a loved one can cause isolation, anger, hurt, and resentment, and rejection can be confusing coming from a loved one
• Sex is not just about "scratching an itch"
• Good sex can make a person feel whole
• Also, it can be important to a man to please his wife
• Many spouses feel a "bait and switch," though this can be explained by the hormones in new relationships
• The high-desire spouse is "wired differently," so it will take understanding to overcome bad assumptions about the other spouse
• It can be difficult for low-desire spouse to not feel excited, have body issues, have pain during intercourse, depression, stress, etc.
• The low-desire spouse can feel sad to not meet up to the other's expectations
• Acknowledge your contribution to the discord. You have to change.

6. The Harder I Try, the Worse Things Get

• Many people adopt the "more of the same" strategy even when it is clearly not working and even when it is making things worse.
• Cat and mouse: the high-desire spouse chases the other spouse around and makes everything sexual, and the low desire spouse gets into a habit of rejection
• Watch how your behavior affects your partner
• Without paying attention, it may see your spouse is just getting more stubborn
• Sometimes the logical or "right" approach is the wrong approach
• Doing "more of the same" can cause partners to get into automatic pilot, following the same scripts
• Watch out for interrogation like "what's wrong?" Does the partner pull away?
• Watch out for the "diagnosis debate": who is to blame for problems, what might be causing the problem, why the cause came into existence, how often the couple has sex, and the timing or conditions for future sex
• If the spouse agrees there is a problem and agrees to do something, watch out for too many "helpful" reminders that are not appreciated
• Ask yourself exactly what you are doing about your relationship's problems, is it working or pushing the other spouse away, and what would your spouse say you are doing that is driving him or her away?

7. Melting the Ice

• Write a goal
• The goal has three criteria
• First, it is positive and turns a complaint into a request for change.
• Second, it is stated in action oriented terms.
• Third, it is small and doable. If your primary goal is big, state a smaller goal for the first signs of progress.
• The six-stage process for big life changes
  • Acknowledge the problem
  • Be willing to do something
  • Gather information
  • Decide on a path. (Let your spouse own this choice.)
  • Try it
  • Maintain it
• A physical relationship starts with an emotional relationship
• Be patient with change
• Remember not to take it personally (chapter 3) the low desire spouse's attitude toward sex may not be personal
• Spend time together. Your spouse must feel number one. What is or her idea of intimacy?
• Some spouse require romance: cards, babysitter, special planned events
• Stop nagging. Would your spouse say you are more critical or complimentary? Be nicer, even if you do not feel like it.
• Do housework. Do not burden the other spouse.
• Think hard about when things were going well. What was different?

Part IV: Doing It Together

8. Can We Talk?

9. Sex Talk

10. Afterglow