One study found 20% of married couples have sex fewer than ten times per year
Low desire is thought of as an issue that affects women, but it affects some men too
There is an anecdote about a couple, Debra and Tom. (There are many anecdotes). Their sex life dries up, and it hurts Tom.
A sex-starved marriage is not about the numbers. It is one in which there is distress about the partner's different levels of desire
When sex is good for both partners, it has benefits for the physical, emotional, spiritual
Sex is what defines the marriage relationship
The high desire spouse can feel rejected, unloved, betrayed, resentful, angry
Lack of sex can affect other parts of the relationship and put the marriage at risk
The other partner often does not accept these feelings
Lack of sex is not the high-desire spouse's problem, it is the relationship's problem.
Dr. Pat Love writes the unstated arrangement is, "I know you want more sex. I will not do anything about it, but I expect you to still be faithful."
Sex experts have discovered that for many people, sexual desire follows arousal instead of the other way around
High-desire spouse needs to take responsibility for his or her approach and question theories for the other spouse's behavior
Even one spouse can make a difference, though two spouses are better
Part II: The Low-Desire Spouse's Guide for Boosting the Marriage Libido
2. The Lowdown on Low Sexual Desire
Causes of low sexual desire include
Bickering in marriage
Taking care of children, house, aging parents
Aging
APA classifies lack of sex as a disorder when it is recurring and causes stress or problems
There are two reasons to put effort into sexual relationship: when you or your spouse thinks there is a problem
The most important step is to make a decision to change
Statistics about sexual frequency cannot be used to diagnose or prescribe frequency for any particular couple
Stretch yourself
Remember your spouse will stretch himself or herself too
The low-desire spouse sets the pace
The low desire spouse needs to try, but this does not mean the grin-and-bear-it approach
For many people, desire follows arousal. This is contrary to common thoughts about sexuality.
Instead of expecting desire like fireworks, look for more subtle sparks. You may be more sexy than you thought.
Sex is not just a biological urge. Purposes include: feeling close during sex, improve intimacy in general, please partner, relax, feel attractive, express affection, reconcile, procreate
When a couple stops having sex, they often stop touching in general
Sex creates a powerful bond
Sex releases feel-good hormones
In a healthy marriage, both partners care about each other's happiness
You do not have to understand or agree with your spouse's needs ands wants
3. What's Causing My Desire Doldrums?
Women may have trouble with arousal, orgasms, or painful sex
Males may have trouble with premature ejaculation or erectile dysfunction
Hormones improve during the infatuation stage of a relationship and later decline
Women also have hormonal changes related to childbirth and menopause
Males have menopause between ages 35 and 65
Medication, illness, alcohol, tobacco and other substances can interfere with desire
Psychological factors include depression, abuse, self-esteem, body image, grief, motherhood, midlife crisis, fatigue, stress
Cultural expectations affect desire
Relationship issues
Conflict avoidance (under-assertiveness)
Over-assertiveness
Lack of forgiveness
Lack of sexual education
Fear of talking about sex
Catch 22: Women need emotional connection to get physical, while men need physical connection to get emotional
A common myth among women is that the man just needs a physical release, though men get emotional connection
Men also feel a desire to give their wives pleasure
Sometimes the male-female roles are reversed, and the male needs to talk
4. Sexy Solutions
It can be hurtful for a spouse when the other dismisses feelings or is unwilling to take any action
The high-desire spouse will appreciate the low-desire spouse's efforts. Do something.
Biological solutions
Ask your doctor
Check your medications
Eat well
Exercise
Get sleep
Avoid alcohol
Consider Wellbutrin
Check testosterone levels
Set goals
Describe what you want instead of what you dislike
Describe goal in action-oriented terms
Break down the goal into small steps
Keep track of progress
Reach out to friends or a professional
Sex drive zappers
Motherhood
Body image
Bad experiences
Relationship issues
Communicate
Harboring negative feelings can lead to explosions
When a spouse is not assertive enough, it seems the other spouse is controlling
Pick your battles
If it does not work, stop
If it works, keep doing it
Think back to when things were better. What was different? Recreate it
Negative feelings can lead to a spiral of isolation, so sometimes it is best to ignore feelings to cause a spiral of intimacy
Siren Solution
The woman (or low desire spouse) intentionally changes attitude and behaviors to be more sexual
The man (or high desire spouse) becomes nicer
This causes a positive spiral
Nike: Just do it
Many low-desire spouses find pleasure after they get started
Overcome the inertia
Reprogram your reactions: mentally correlate your spouse's advances with the pleasure that eventually follows
Use it or lose it: practicing sexuality increases desire (not necessarily the other way around)
Do not expect "fireworks," and look for subtler signals of desire
Remember conditions in which you had more interest, and recreate them
Get to know your body, needs, and preferences.
It is your responsibility.
Be open minded
Sometimes preferences change over time
Act as if you were more sexual: put effort into appearance. Consider lingerie and perfume.
Try something new
When one spouse stops doing something like pursuing sex, then the other spouse takes over, but do not wait until the other spouse gives up forever.
Instead of saying "no" to sex when it is an especially bad time, offer an alternative time
Offer your spouse a gift to show love
Part III: The High-Desire Spouse's Guide For Boosting the Marriage Libido
5. What About Me?
Lack of sex can cause self-esteem issues
Rejection from a loved one can cause isolation, anger, hurt, and resentment, and rejection can be confusing coming from a loved one
Sex is not just about "scratching an itch"
Good sex can make a person feel whole
Also, it can be important to a man to please his wife
Many spouses feel a "bait and switch," though this can be explained by the hormones in new relationships
The high-desire spouse is "wired differently," so it will take understanding to overcome bad assumptions about the other spouse
It can be difficult for low-desire spouse to not feel excited, have body issues, have pain during intercourse, depression, stress, etc.
The low-desire spouse can feel sad to not meet up to the other's expectations
Acknowledge your contribution to the discord. You have to change.
6. The Harder I Try, the Worse Things Get
Many people adopt the "more of the same" strategy even when it is clearly not working and even when it is making things worse.
Cat and mouse: the high-desire spouse chases the other spouse around and makes everything sexual, and the low desire spouse gets into a habit of rejection
Watch how your behavior affects your partner
Without paying attention, it may see your spouse is just getting more stubborn
Sometimes the logical or "right" approach is the wrong approach
Doing "more of the same" can cause partners to get into automatic pilot, following the same scripts
Watch out for interrogation like "what's wrong?" Does the partner pull away?
Watch out for the "diagnosis debate": who is to blame for problems, what might be causing the problem, why the cause came into existence, how often the couple has sex, and the timing or conditions for future sex
If the spouse agrees there is a problem and agrees to do something, watch out for too many "helpful" reminders that are not appreciated
Ask yourself exactly what you are doing about your relationship's problems, is it working or pushing the other spouse away, and what would your spouse say you are doing that is driving him or her away?
7. Melting the Ice
Write a goal
The goal has three criteria
First, it is positive and turns a complaint into a request for change.
Second, it is stated in action oriented terms.
Third, it is small and doable. If your primary goal is big, state a smaller goal for the first signs of progress.
The six-stage process for big life changes
Acknowledge the problem
Be willing to do something
Gather information
Decide on a path. (Let your spouse own this choice.)
Try it
Maintain it
A physical relationship starts with an emotional relationship
Be patient with change
Remember not to take it personally (chapter 3) the low desire spouse's attitude toward sex may not be personal
Spend time together. Your spouse must feel number one. What is or her idea of intimacy?
Some spouse require romance: cards, babysitter, special planned events
Stop nagging. Would your spouse say you are more critical or complimentary? Be nicer, even if you do not feel like it.
Do housework. Do not burden the other spouse.
Think hard about when things were going well. What was different?