Parenting Without Power Struggles

Raising Joyful, Resilient Kids While Staying Cool, Calm, and Connected

by Susan Stiffelman, MFT

Chapter 1: How to Be the Captain of the Ship Through Calm and Stormy Seas

Be the calm captain of the ship.
When the waves are rough, would you rather be on a ship with an angry, shouting captain or a calm captain?
Keep your cool and confidence.
Be in charge (capable when the seas are rough) but not in control (compensating for feeling of powerlessness).
When no one is in charge, it is like "the two lawyers." Both are arguing their case, and parent may resort to bribes and threats.
If you do not push back, the child cannot resist. She illustrates this with a physical exercise.
Byron Katie's four questions:
- 1. Is it true?
- 2. Can you know it is absolutely true?
- 3. How do you reaction when you believe that thought?
- 4. Who would you be without that thought?
Find a statement with a "should." This is what makes you upset, and try to come up with a reason for the opposite from the child's point of view. For example, your child should whine.
Children need to feel dependent on parents.
Exercise genuine authority.

According to research in teenagers, a close relationship with a parent is the best predictor of not engaging in high-risk behavior
Attachment is necessary for healthy relationships
Parents should be intentional to develop connection
Psychology Gordon Neufeld developed a model of six stages of attachment: proximity, sameness, belonging/loyalty, significance, love, being known
There are lists of practical suggestions for each of the six stages
The drive for attachment is stronger to a child than hunger
If the child cannot attach with the parent, the child will attach with peers