Relational Intelligence: How Leaders can Expand Their Influence Through a New Way of Being Smart

Book by Steve Saccone

Part One: Origins of Relational Intelligence

Chapter 1: Human Economy

• Do not short-circuit relationships (e.g., he told a girl he loved her on their first date)
• Do not use positional authority
• Use relationships to expand influence (p10., which contradicts p.4)
• Relationships define what it is to be human (p. 11)
• Jesus values relationships
• Love, when it is the serving kind of love, can be powerful (p. 18)
• Relational intelligence "is the ability to learn, understand, and comprehend knowledge as it relates to interpersonal dynamics" (p. 20)
• There is an online assessment, but the web site is defunct

Chapter 2: Michael Scott Syndrome

• Michael Scott is the manager in the TV show The Office. He is rude without knowing it.
• Everyone has some Michael Scott Syndrome.
• Look critically at yourself before others.
• We can be humble, yet remember who made us.
• Know yourself
• Invest in relationships in which a good person will lovingly speak the truth [However, this can be a catch 22 because it takes relational intelligence to develop such a relationship.]
• The list of attributes for this good person is on page 39.
• Besides asking someone, reflect on yourself and interactions with others (page 42).
• There is a list of common traps on page 44.

Part 2 (p50)

• Anyone can develop relational skills
• Relational geniuses "mastered the art of doing relationships well"
• These people are likeable and are interested in people
• There are six roles (the next chapters)
  • Story Collector
  • Energy Carrier
  • Compelling Relator
  • Conversational Futurist
  • Likeable Hero
  • Disproportionate Investor

Chapter 3: Story Collector (p54)

• Be interested in people
• Patrick Lencioni (p56): a miserable job is anonymity
• [That's how I feel the last two years]
• Find value in a person
• People are valuable like diamonds
• Ask good questions: open ended, other focused, past the surface, deep
• A way to know a person's dream is to watch big choices, such as family, career, or running a marathon
• [p60: Are these questions too personal? Is everyone willing to have this kind of intimacy? Hey Bob, what motivated you to…]
• Three facets of human uniqueness are: dreams (p60), life history (p64), and personhood (p69)
• Steer conversations to depth
• Ask "What motivated you to do that?" (p76)

Chapter 4: Energy Carrier

• Some people only read the tone of a room, while others change the tone.
• Leaders use inner energy to change outer world
• The first energy killer is the appearance of alertness (p82)
  • A person might be daydreaming while having a conversation
  • This can lead to forgetfulness and not following through on commitments
  • Then the other person will keep coming back, having the same conversation because of a sense of not being heard
  • However, this isn't the same as appearing alert on the outside [what?]
  • If a person sets the tone of the room, this is working
  • [This section isn't clear on how to be internally alert or even what it really is
• Second energy killer is distraction (p87)
  • Be all there (p89) in heart, soul, mind, and strength (p91)
  • Change the atmosphere (p92/95)
  • Believe you have something to offer (p92/95)
  • Be assertive (p92/95)
  • Tear down predictable walls to create a spark (p95)
    • Example: Sueann asked probing, personal questions to change the mood
    • Example: Sueann asked whether it's more important to be kind or right? (p94)
  • Start with individuals and smaller groups (p95)

Chapter 5: The Compelling Relator

• People are easily bored (p103)
• Become more interesting and relevant (p106)
• Be controversial (p107)
• Act or speak for the great good of others (p112)
• Attune to others' contexts and concerns. Listen well. (p114)
• Jesus related to the Samaritan woman using words, metaphors.
• Your audience may not want to listen (p122). It's not just the content that matters: it matters how it's delivered.
• Passionless people are boring (p123). Show passion.

Chapter 6: Conversational Futurist

• It is possible to see in the future (p128)
• Look ahead to where the conversation is going
• People who have this skill steer the conversation with intention
• Look beyond the surface (p130)
• Mastering the skill requires practice (p132)
• When Kelly was stuck in bitterness against her ex-boyfriend, her friend Emily challenge Kelly about the roots of her unforgiveness
• Look for signs. Example: Brad was well liked and engaged, but he was deceitful and thought poorly of women (p141)
• Courageously and humbly speak the truth (p143)

Chapter 7: Likeable Hero

• Some successful people were not likeable, but it can help to be likeable
• Some people object to likeability, but warmth helps convey the mission (p152)
• Sign #1 of likeability: being approachable
• Do no not seem too busy or unimportant
• Seem interesting in people and getting to know them
• Zappos focuses on the best customer service
• Sign #2: maintaining long relationships
• How much turnover is there in your relationships?
• Sign #3: Do people rapidly form trust?
• Sign #4: Friendliness
• It is not about personality [but it seems to be]
• It is a choice to be warm with people
• Sign #5: flexible optimism (p165)
• This comes from the research of Martin Seligman

Chapter 8: Disproportionate Investor

• "You earn wages, only to put them in purses with holes" (p173)
• People can be either investors (who pass it on to other people) or consumers
• A consumer is not satisfied and expects others to satisfy him/her (p176)
• "It is more blessed to give than to receive," Jesus said (p180)
• The six qualities of an investor (p184)
  • Gives and serves
  • Grateful and thankful
  • Teachable and humble
  • Lives for the mission
  • Strategic with time
  • Gritty and resilient